


ultimate disaster squad 6942053

by khattikeri



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Getting Together, Human K1-B0 (Dangan Ronpa), Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Past Relationship(s), chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2020-06-26 15:03:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khattikeri/pseuds/khattikeri
Summary: ultimate disaster squad 6942053guactaro:gm everyone :) had a dream shirogane killed metsu53:? are you positive i would do something like thattsu53:i think my username is just too plain ordinary for me to be a killer like that...guactaro:wouldn't put it past you actuallykaedid i fucking stutter:uhh yeah u sure it wasn't me???guactaro:fuckin hell i said what i said





	1. tildes, hooker taxis, and lesbian god

**Author's Note:**

> hello good mornin i am in Hell
> 
> some notes!!!  
> -this chatfic takes place in an HPA au where the tragedy and therefore all of the killing games never happen. danganronpa canon is all just a huge fanfic in tsumugi's head, and she gets insp from stuff that happens either irl or in the chat to her and her classmates
> 
> -kiibo is human and he's the ultimate roboticist, or someone who creates and studies robots. as for his real name, it's iidabashi ki[loud interrupting truck noises] (don't worry you'll find out eventually)

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**guactaro:** gm everyone :) had a dream shirogane killed me

**tsu53:** ? are you positive i would do something like that

**tsu53:** i think my username is just too plain ordinary for me to be a killer like that...

**guactaro:** wouldn't put it past you actually

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** uhh yeah u sure it wasn't me???

**guactaro:** fuckin hell i said what i said

**pantakichi:** nishishi~

**detective hooker taxi:** Did you just type out your laugh 

**detective hooker taxi:** And add a tilde to it

**pantakichi:** >:3c

**detective hooker taxi:** Hm. Don't like that

**it's not gay if it's in space:** lmao what's a tilde

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** squiggle

**anti robophobia activist:** According to my search, a tilde is a grapheme with several uses in various languages. In the modern internet age, it is commonly referred to as "a squiggly line".

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** HAHAAAAA FUCKIN NERD-ASS LOSER

**anti robophobia activist:**...Iruma, you told him what it was before I was even finished.

**pantakichi:** lmao whos the nerd now bitch

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** still you ya fuckin 5'1" shota 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** mr "Oh Wow Wouldja Look At That I Ranked First In Our Exams Yet Again"

**pantakichi:** ... um... the truth is i'm actually 5'9". I got surgery when I was younger, and that ended up messing with my hormones so much that my height regressed :'(

**detective hooker taxi:** ...I think that's a lie

**it's not gay if it's in space:** fugjgcking HELL that's NOT how hormones WORK 

**it's not gay if it's in space:** you're FUCKING KILLING ME 

**pantakichi:** did i really kill kaito?

**pantakichi:** or did kaito kill me?

**detective hooker taxi:** ?

**pantakichi:** :))

**detective hooker taxi:** ?! ?????????????

**pantakichi:** lmao

**jock lesbian:** prepare for trouble

**magic lesbian:** and make it double

**jock lesbian:** himiko and i, tenko, have arrived!

**god is watching:** god is here so make it triple, angie is here so make it quadruple!

**jock lesbian:** this was a couple thing please leave, 

**god is watching:** [eyes emoji]

**jock lesbian:** eeeeeek unsettling

**magic lesbian:** eh angie's cute she can stay

**jock lesbian:** oh no angie was never the problem

**jock lesbian:** her god is uh. creepy. and presumably a degenerate male

**god is watching:** how can god be a degenerate human male if He's a god?

**god is watching:** in fact, you can't know for sure if He's male. She could be female

**jock lesbian:** LESBIAN GOD?????

**god is watching:** if it helps you convert to platinum membership then sure why not

**detective hooker taxi:** Suspicious…

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** yeah...

**magic lesbian:** hey why is saihara "detective hooker taxi" again

**detective hooker taxi:** Uhh tl;dr due to certain Classified circumstances during a recent case i had to drive a taxi late at night and i accidentally ran over. um. a prostitute

**magic lesbian:** GUDHUSKBFHILSDGKJFHDJSLHFDJSKKL???????? 

**it's not gay if it's in space:** bro what the FUCK

**guactaro:** saihara :/ i'm disappointed in you :/ respect women :/

**detective hooker taxi:** HEY I PULLED OVER AND TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL!!! AND SINCE I WAS GOING BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT SHE WAS FINE JUST ENDED UP HAVING MINOR SCRAPES

**it's not gay if it's in space:** SHUICHI THAT'S REALLY NOT THE PROBLEM HERE

**pantakichi:** HDSDSLFDSGIHFKLDSKFLDsf I MFUCKGNI G DYUINg 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** oh my god

**bugs:** good morning everyone! :D

**bugs:** noo saihara running over people bad D:

**insert seesaw joke here:** good morning gonta. what a pleasant message to wake up to

**jock lesbian:** all of us were here before gonta tho?

**insert seesaw joke here:** gonta's message is the Only message. also saihara apologize

**detective hooker taxi:**??

**insert seesaw joke here:** apologize to the hooker

**detective hooker taxi:** I CAN ASSURE YOU I DID THAT PLENTY OF TIMES 

**insert seesaw joke here:** h

**insert seesaw joke here:** ahaha so anyway what i came here to do was to say something. 

**fuck echizen:** oh?

**insert seesaw joke here:** hear me out: depression

**fuck echizen:** [raucous applause] encore

**bugs:** D: no depression bad! hoshi and shinguji please feel happy soon!

**fuck echizen:** aw shit. gosh gonta you're right. fuck

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** you two,, don't skip out on therapy

**fuck echizen:** we're not

**fuck echizen:** well i know i'm not idk about shinguji

**insert seesaw joke here:** i'm not either

**makill me:** _@kirumaid_ sowwy um touwjouw kiwumi :3 wiww youw hewp me owganize my awmowy pwease :3 my weapons awe hawd to categowise on my own :3

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** wh

**anti robophobia activist:** Am I meant to laugh here or

**kirumaid:** Um

**kirumaid:** Well, I can certainly do that for you... Harukawa...? 

**tsu53:** ? where did she go

**guactaro:** she just disappeared...

**kirumaid:** Harukawa? It's been a while since your last response

**makill me:** OUMA KOKICHI DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE

**makill me:** RUN YOU SHITTY LITTLE BITCH

**pantakichi:** AHLGKDSJLHgjksdfhjsdsflk CHILL IT WAS A JOKE

**pantakichi:** fuck i can hear your footsteps BYE GUYS GOTTA BLAST

**it's not gay if it's in space:** yeaaaaa harumaki fuck him up

**pantakichi:** FUCK OFF KAITO

**detective hooker taxi:** uhh good luck

**pantakichi:** aw <3 shumai <3 is that a message meant for me? :3

**detective hooker taxi:** If i specify that harukawa may kill me as well

**detective hooker taxi:** So for the sake of my survival, no

**pantakichi:** WOW MEAN

=

**Saihara Shuichi > Ouma Kokichi**

**Shuichi:** For the record... it is for you

**Kokichi:** !!! :'D aww

**Kokichi:** siaharau youreor so ncie,, ncie c to me ,,, , ii'm

**Shuichi:** Stop crytyping for a second

**Shuichi:** I'm leaving my door unlocked so if you want you can hide in here as long as you stay quiet

**Kokichi:** ...

**Kokichi:** no

**Shuichi:**?? Why not it's fine wiht me

**Shuichi:** *with

**Kokichi:** dkfjdslkf dumbass why Should i

**Shuichi:** Because it doesn't bother me at all? And you're not a bad person, I actually enjoy your company

**Kokichi:** there's no need for u to act nice to me after what i did lmao

**Shuichi:** ...So this IS about that one time

**Kokichi:** haha bye

_Kokichi has left the chat._

**Shuichi:**...ugh

**Shuichi:** If you just stayed and listened you'd know how I actually felt…

_Shuichi has left the chat._

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**makill me:** [photo attachment]

**makill me:** everyone behold the _Oumakokichi idiotbitchus,_ more commonly known as the Purple Rat, photographed with a distraught look on its face after having been caught in its natural habitat

**it's not gay if it's in space:** aww i'm so proud of you!! you even formatted the genus and species part correctly <33

**magic lesbian:** UHDSJLFHDSLGUHGDSHLFJS YOU HANDCUFFED HIM TO HIS DOOR????

**pantakichi:** i cant even tyiw with hust my kedt habd smfh hadymaki

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** translation: "i can't even type with just my left hand smfh harumaki"

**it's not gay if it's in space:** LMAOOOOOO

**pantakichi:** fuck you momota

**it's not gay if it's in space:** hey why the fuck did that come up totally clearly

**pantakichi:** because i despise you, next

**pantakichi:** and also i picked the lock lmao

**makill me:** i'd go after you again but you're a waste of my time

**pantakichi:** uwu love u too harumaki <3

**detective hooker taxi:** hah

**makill me:** ?

**detective hooker taxi:** sorry mistype don't worry

**detective hooker taxi:** goodnight everyone [moon emoji]

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** night [moon emoji]

**kirumaid:** Goodnight

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** sleep tight gang

**guactaro:** not if i see shirogane killing me in my dreams again

**guactaro:** but gn

**tsu53:** hey!! i’d just plain never do that

**tsu53:** rest well everyone!!

=


	2. danganronpa v3, but like, not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsumugi uses her alt account to have a little bit of fun at the others' expense... not that they're aware it's her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know some people tend to stick to either first names only or last names only or canon jpn honorifics only in chatfic like these, but im doing a mix of all three.
> 
> why? bc my brain is used to mixing them all up from playing the game with japanese audio (which uses surnames and/or honorifics) with the english translated captions (first names only). i can't and won't undo this, so I do apologize if this is uncomfortable in any way. 
> 
> anyway h. have fun

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

_> TEAM DANGANRONPA has added themselves to the chat._

**TEAM DANGANRONPA:** Oh good you’re all asleep. That makes this easier

_> TEAM DANGANRONPA has changed 16 nicknames._

**TEAM DANGANRONPA:** Have fun figuring out each other's secrets! Toodles <3

 _> TEAM DANGANRONPA_ _has deleted themselves from the chat._

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** HUH

_> TEAM DANGANRONPA cannot be added back to this chat._

**lost a sibling near a volcano once:** FUCK YOU IM NOT DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** This is... troublesome

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** WWWHHHHHDSKHJDSFKHHH NO

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** you've done this before :?

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** 1) yeah long story 2) was that a homestuck reference 

**lied about watching all of naruto:** nooooo

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** is that a lie?

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** upupu

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** what the fuck does that mean

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** .

 **locked the closet:** ooooof mayyyybe i should leave

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** UM

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** HAHA BYE GUYS!! 

**likes magical girl anime:** haha. this sucks

 **has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** ahem [screaming]

 **was raised in the city:** >:O what is a danganronpa

 **has had a crush on everyone here at least once:** BITCH

 **is into wireplay:** Ffffffffuck

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** team danganronpa whatever i'm gonna cut out your tongue

 **drew drammatical murder fanart yesterday:** heyyyy it wasn't yesterday it was two days ago

 **sawed an assistant in half once:** taken wildly out of context...

 **once called a teacher mommy on purpose:** eek

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** okay so

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** i suppose the way we should do this is... 

**kissed saihara in a closet:** just confess right

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** it won't be as embarrassing or scary if we all just own up to what we did...

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** NO are you kidding

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** we need to just... go with the flow and guess each other's names, then cchange our names back when our identities are properly revealed

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** that is how this class trial will work!

 **kissed saihara in a closet:**????

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** inside joke

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** yeah no i'm not doing this

 **locked the closet:** same. i'm gonna try to figure out who this Team Danganronpa person is and catch them

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** you two are rantaro and kaede in that order

 **locked the closet:** WOW RUDE

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** LITERALLY TRIPPED ME UP THE SECOND THE GAME STARTED

 **lost a sibling near a volcano once:** DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE THE FUCK

_> lost a sibling near a volcano once changed their name to guactaro_

_> locked the closet changed their name to kaedid i fucking stutter_

**guactaro:** yknow what finish naruto for real & then go fuck yourself shirogane

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** HEY WHAT 

**lied about watching all of naruto:** AMAMI YOU BITCH

 **guactaro:** hahaaaaa

 **is into wireplay:** Lmaoooooooooo fhjdbndsl you deserve it

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** kfdsjfhdlsklhaf????

 **lied about watching all of naruto:** ugh in hindsight eliminating them doesn't do much if it’s this type of game

 **guactaro:** genuinely no offense tsumugi but who the hell are you talking to

_> lied about watching all of naruto changed their name to tsu53_

**tsu53:** readers will know ;)

 **is into wireplay:** Ugh why are you Like This

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** currently undergoing cardiac arrest but k

 **sawed an assistant in half:** hey... not to throw him under the bus, but

 **sawed an assistant in half:** mm nvm i'm not totally sure yet

 **once called a teacher mommy on purpose:**? what is it himiko

 **once called a teacher mommy on purpose:** OH SHIT

 **sawed an assistant in half:** TENKO YOU MORON

_> sawed an assistant in half changed their name to magic lesbian_

_> once called a teacher mommy on purpose changed their name to jock lesbian_

**practices acting cute in the mirror:** oh my fucking god

 **has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** tenko you 

**has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** you have a mommy kink???

 **jock lesbian:** NO I DONT

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** (x) doubt 

**jock lesbian:** I DONTTTTT

 **jock lesbian:** ONE OF MY MIDDLE SCHOOL FRIENDS DARED ME TO DO IT PLESAE ;-;

 **has had a crush on everyone here at least once:** cool so ig we can stop oppressing you

 **likes magical girl anime:** yyyeah no i can't do that on a clear conscience

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** more importantly, Yumeno...

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** You're guilty of murder??

 **was raised in the city:** no... no... murder is bad

 **guactaro:** oooof

 **magic lesbian:** THAT WAS TAKEN WILDLY OUT OF CONTEXT

 **magic lesbian:** ILL HAVE U KNOW THAT HAPPENED IN PRESCHOOL AND MY ASSISTANT WAS A TEDDY BEAR NAMED MISTER SNUGGLES

 **is into wireplay:** "mister snuggles"...

 **magic lesbian:** may his soul rest in peace…

 **was raised in the city:** rest in peace mister snuggles

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** cuuuute

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** ...okay that is kinda cute 

**almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** Speaking of cute things

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** Magical girls... are related to anime, correct?

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** Shirogane was already guessed, but there's one other person here who had an anime reference in their username prior to this game... specifically, a Prince of Tennis reference.

 **likes magical girl anime:** oh?

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** Hoshi?

 **likes magical girl anime:** good job toujo you got it

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:**...

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** I suppose I was rather obvious with my typing style, wasn't I.

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** not to mention you're the only person here who 1) regularly meets ambassadors and 2) knows what cognac even is

 **almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac:** Fair enough. 

_> likes magical girl anime changed their name to fuck echizen_

_> almost poisoned an ambassador with cognac changed their name to kirumaid_

**kirumaid:** I will admit, that was among the greatest slights to my career.

 **kirumaid:** How did this Team Danganronpa know about it?

 **tsu53:** does it matter how they knew? we're all trapped here guessing each other's secrets for the time being

 **guactaro:** no?? this is a group chat????? anyone can just leave whenever

 **tsu53:** trapped...

 **guactaro:** i swear im gonna have a stroke

 **has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** anyway i wanna get out asap soooo

 **has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** it's fairly obvious to say that there's only one ultimate artist in this group

 **has been asked to do threesomes with his sister:** which means the person who drew drammatical murder fanart was prob angie 

**drew drammatical murder fanart yesterday:** nyahahahaaaa yeah

_> drew drammatical murder fanart yesterday changed their name to god is watching_

**god is watching:** mmm but yknow what? god's telling me somethinggg

 **god is watching:** aside from rantaro, only one other boy here has a sister

 **god is watching:** i suppose god will reserve judgement for after you die and explain yourself, but until then

 **god is watching:** i personally hope that you didn't actually agree to those threesomes, korekiyo

_> has been asked to do threesomes with his sister changed their name to insert seesaw joke here_

**magic lesbian:** AAAAAAAAAA I KNEW IT!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE DOUBTED MYSELF

 **guactaro:** HUH??????

 **jock lesbian:** prepare to DIE, ultimate degenerate 

**tsu53:** ;; everyone press f for shinguji

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** FUCK no i'm not payin respect for that

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** ^

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** ^

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ^

 **guactaro:** ^

 **magic lesbian:** ^

 **has had a crush on everyone here at least once:** ^

 **jock lesbian:** ^

 **is into wireplay:** ^

 **insert seesaw joke here:** okay guys you can stop now

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** ^

 **fuck echizen:** ^

 **was raised in the city:** not sure what's going on but ^

 **insert seesaw joke here:** it's not like either of us actually agreed to it

 **insert seesaw joke here:** quite frankly i'm guessing people found both of us attractive and asked because they thought a threesome with two siblings who look vaguely similar would be hot

 **tsu53:** i mean,,, it IS wrong to judge someone for the kinks someone else projects onto them...

 **guactaro:** HELLO????? incest is not a KINK

 **insert seesaw joke here:** yeah ^

 **insert seesaw joke here:** but aside from that shirogane has a point

 **insert seesaw joke here:** i'm not particularly fazed by various sexual things people imagine since i study people

 **insert seesaw joke here:** but i'd rather you all not judge me for what other, perhaps depraved people believe i might be into 

**kirumaid:** We do not.

 **jock lesbian:** i'm still grossed out but i won't

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i doubt anyone here will. don't worry

 **has had a crush on everyone here at least once:** oKAY this convo is too heavy time for a change in pace

 **kirumaid:** For recap, the people whose secrets still have yet to be guessed are Ouma, Saihara, Momota, Harukawa, Gonta, Iruma, and Kiibo

 **god is watching:** god is wondering why shuichi hasn't really been the one to uncover everyone's secrets based on deductions and detective work

 **god is watching:** since he usually does that sort of thing

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ...i mean

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** if he does that, then his secret will also get revealed, won't it? 

**fuck echizen:** ^ yeah i was gonna say

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Gokuhara Gonta**

**Kokichi:** Iruma's had a crush on everyone.

 **Gonta:** ? Why 

**Kokichi:** if we want the game to end fast, it's better to just reveal it. i think it's better if you do it big guy

 **Gonta:** What about you?

 **Kokichi:** my secret happened sooorta recently, so it might hurt people if they find out

 **Kokichi:** you don't want people to get hurt, right?

 **Gonta:** D: no

 **Kokichi:** then do it. iruma doesn't know my secret or your secret either so she won't reveal it

 **Kokichi:** even if she did know i doubt she'd leak it since she's lowkey spineless

 **Gonta:** ??Iruma is a mammal she has a spine

 **Gonta:** But Gonta agrees. Game should end soon so friends don't get hurt

 **Kokichi:** ...

 **Kokichi:** ...yeah

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**was raised in the city:** iruma had crush on everyone

 **has had a crush on everyone here at least once:** MTOEHR FUCKCER

_> has had a crush on everyone here at least once changed their name to 1-800-GET-THIS-DICK_

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** OUMA YOU MOTHERFUCKER

 **was raised in the city:** not ouma

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** ????? THEN WHO THE FUCK ELSE

 **is into wireplay:** Wait a minute you've had a crush on EVERYONE here?

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** YES BITCH YOU'RE ALL SEXY BE PROUD

 **is into wireplay:** legitimately conflicted rn but okay

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** isn't it weird how all of us have these huge secrets for names and then this one's just "was raised in the city"

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** yeah... 

**used to cross-dress as a child actor:** maybe that means it IS a huge secret

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** for them at least

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** well i know for a fact that gonta was raised in the wilderness so it's not him

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** plus he's not mean enough to throw iruma under the bus, even if it is. well. [gestures] iruma

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** no. it is gonta

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** the wilderness thing was a half-lie. he wasn't raised there, he voluntarily stayed there to train and learn more about bugs

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** for the most part, gonta's lived a city life

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** what the fuck is wrong with you??? why would you accuse gonta like that 

**used to cross-dress as a child actor:** no, it is plausible for that to be gonta’s secret

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** it’s not something that would faze the rest of us, but to gonta, it probably means more than that

 **stole one of maki’s machineguns:** why are you taking their side??? gonta’s not that kind of person

_> was raised in the city changed their name to bugs_

**bugs:** no... that's right

 **bugs:** wasn't expecting betrayal but... it's true :'(

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** hey fuck you for real why would you make gonta cry

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** it's a chat chill he's probably not actually crying

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** plus now that he's out of the way it doesn't matter anymore lol

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Gokuhara Gonta**

**Kokichi:** ur not actually crying right

 **Gonta:** no, but... gonta still upset at you for double-cross

 **Kokichi:**...i'm sorry 

**Kokichi:** it's all for the sake of ending the game

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**tsu53:** [sob] what a plot twist... omg...

 **guactaro:** did you really just type out "[sob]"

 **tsu53:** [blows nose] let me have feelings

 **guactaro:** no

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** That way of thinking pisses me off but whatever, we need to move on

 **magic lesbian:** so all that's left is Saihara, Ouma, Kaito, Maki, and Kiibo

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** i'm still not sure who is who

 **tsu53:** oh well i do know one of them. or maybe more?

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** okay???

 **fuck echizen:**? wh

 **insert seesaw joke here:** why didn't you just say so before then

 **magic lesbian:** or just say them now if you know them??

 **tsu53:** eh loses the charm

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** i THINK i know one but my logic tends to be wrong with these things

 **jock lesbian:** ugh just try it i'm tired of this game

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** kiibo works with robots, so is he the one into wireplay?

 **is into wireplay:** ...

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:**?

_> is into wireplay changed their name to anti robophobia activist_

**anti robophobia activist:** I'm BEYOND embarrassed rn do NOT speak to me

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** AJFHKHD FORREAL?????? WIREPLAY?????? LMAO

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** hlskFHdhksfhkdlsafhahklsf

 **god is watching:** NYAHAHAHAHA 

**magic lesbian:** so... what? you wanna touch those sexy robot wires until you get some sparks????? how is that attractive. what is the appeal

 **jock lesbian:** how could metal robot orgasms ever be better than the soft supple skin of a girl as she embraces you

 **anti robophobia activist:** PLEASE BE FCREAKIGN QUIET SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP I'M IN EMO MODE

 **anti robophobia activist:** MIGHT JUST BLOW UP THE PLACE AUGH

 **tsu53:** don’t crash yourself into glass n self destruct while you’re at it 

**anti robophobia activist:** Wh

 **anti robophobia activist:** Huh??

 **tsu53:** ...inside joke 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** I WAS FUCKIN RIGHT BABEYYYYYY

 **anti robophobia activist:** See you all in court. Especially you Miu

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** ,,first name???

 **anti robophobia activist:** After learning you've had a crush on me before plus the fact that you know one of my kinks I may as well just call you Miu

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** oh wow thank you i'm super horny now

 **insert seesaw joke here:** shut UP Literally Nobody Asked

 **anti robophobia activist:** Are we still doing robot maintenance work later?

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** at 4 right? yeah dw 

**anti robophobia activist:** Kk

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** [cough] get a room 

**kirumaid:** I think the easiest to figure out now would be between Momota and Ouma

 **guactaro:** since they're super different right? same vibes same vibes

 **tsu53:** but... but which one is which? momota, ouma... 

**tsu53:** which one is in the exisal and which one is long gone? 

**tsu53:** there's no way for us to know...

 **guactaro:** kindly take your headass mecha fanfic out of this chat thx

 **anti robophobia activist:** ^

 **magic lesbian:** there's a way we can figure this out. namely...

 **magic lesbian:** ...who kissed saihara?

 **jock lesbian:** YES himiko good thinking!!

 **jock lesbian:** saihara would know that!

 **god is watching:** god agrees! that's a good way of thinking about it

 **god is watching:** god is also thinking He's surprised that Kokichi hasn't tried stealing everyone's phones to find out their secrets nyahaha

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Momota Kaito**

**Kokichi:** momota i need you to lie for me

 **Kaito:** excuse me????

 **Kokichi:** Please

 **Kokichi:** there's a reason saihara hasn't spoken out yet

 **Kokichi:** technically speaking he has two secrets here. One being what his username was changed to, and the other being the fact that we kissed

 **Kaito:** ouma what the fuck

 **Kaito:** you kissed my sidekick???

 **Kokichi:** yes i did that's not the FUCKING point rn can you shut up and listen to me

 **Kokichi:** obviously he doesn't want to be associated with either of those incidents but he's literally forced into a corner the way this game is going and i don't want him to be exposed

 **Kokichi:** well idc about him and he isn't interested in me but anyway

 **Kokichi:** please, lie for me 

**Kaito:** i

 **Kaito:** you're even saying please, shit

 **Kokichi:** my plan is basically this. we both keep switching things up by acting as each other and as ourselves intermittently. That way they have no clue which one of us is really us. If I act like you then suddenly switch and go back to acting like myself, they won't have any idea

 **Kokichi:** saihara's the only real detective here who can figure us out, but since his own secrets are on the line, he won't point it out

 **Kaito:** well i guess shuichi isn't gonna say anything, but won't akamatsu? since she locked the closet

 **Kokichi:** nah she cares about him she won't put him in the spotlight by confirming anything

 **Kaito:** harumaki's the only other person remaining so she could just reveal herself and that'd be it for shuichi

 **Kokichi:** i can count on her to not reveal herself bc she hates talking about herself and she'd also rather die than admit it

 **Kaito:**...you've really planned ahead 

**Kaito:** you sure you don't care about shuichi?

 **Kokichi:** i'm going to call my lackeys and have them skin you alive if you ask me that again

 **Kaito:** as they say in america. denial is a river in egypt

 **Kokichi:** and kaito is gonna become extinct if he tries to analyze kokichi's feelings again <3

 **Kaito:** fine then you self sacrificial emotionally repressed egomaniac

 **Kokichi:** eh you could've called me worse i'll accept that

 **Kaito:** as soon as this shit game is over you're getting an intervention

 **Kokichi:** ...why do you care so much

 **Kaito:** because you're my friend, fucker

 **Kokichi:** hJDSF okay you made me laugh thanks

 **Kaito:** ...to be fair though I'm doing it for Shuichi's sake, not yours

 **Kokichi:** well you kinda Have to do this too yknow?

 **Kaito:** huh?

 **Kokichi:** you do know harumaki will kill you if she finds out you stole her shit right?

 **Kaito:** UGH FUCK YOU

 **Kokichi:** SDKLFHDSLKFJ LMAO

 **Kaito:** ...god i can't fucking BELIEVE i'm your friend

 **Kaito:** you owe me for this, kokichi

 **Kokichi:** ... 

**Kokichi:** thanks, kaito

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**bugs:** kokichi probably wants to protect own secret, so he avoid stealing because someone else could get revenge on him

 **bugs:** and trying to find who kissed saihara? um not sure

 **fuck echizen:** you can use process of elimination, right?

 **fuck echizen:** "kissed saihara in a closet" can't be saihara himself, and it can't be harukawa because she's above that

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** way to roast him smh

 **fuck echizen:** ,,you get my point

 **fuck echizen:** similarly, "stole one of maki's machineguns" can't be harukawa because she can't steal her own weapons

 **jock lesbian:** that doesn't tell us a lot

 **insert seesaw joke here:** Hey wait a minute wasn't Akamatsu's secret "locked the closet"? She ought to know

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ;;; about that... 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** i DO know but i'm not about to betray shuichi like that. he's my friend

 **tsu53:**...

 **jock lesbian:** so? who was it??

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** well... I guess it's time I man up and say it...

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** Shuichi, you're my bro, so

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** IM SORRY WHAT

 **tsu53:** IT WAS MOMOTA?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** uhh not sure what you're talkin about but i'm alive? and i'm the one... who... yknow

 **guactaro:** meaning that the one who stole harukawa's weapon was ouma...?

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** nishishi~ you got it totally correeeeeect

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** or did you??? LMAO it's a lie uwu

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Momota Kaito**

**Kokichi:** YYOU FUCKING SUCK AT THIS GOD

 **Kaito:** IM SORRY BITCHC IM UNDER A LITTLE PRESSURE HERE

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**stole one of maki's machineguns:** but still... it's kinda pathetic that you guys didn't realize until now, isn't it?

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** i mean >:3c i can pick locks

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** ouma, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** stealing harumaki's things... stealing my precious sidekick's weapons...!

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** you're a fucking piece of shit for it! return harumaki's stuff, or else!

 **stole one of maki's machineguns** : WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH WHY AREU YO U G SO MEA EN, T OME 

**stole one of maki's machineguns:** ...just kidding. nishishi... i don't care about returning stuff. and I'm not going to, either.

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** tell me, my dearest momota, why the fuck would i give a shit about any of your morals?

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** after all... i run the world's biggest evil organization.

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Momota Kaito**

**Kokichi:** im ufkcgin pisisng myself you suck SO bad youre TERRIBLE at this

 **Kaito:** YOU'RE WORSE YOU LITTLLE SHIT

 **Kaito:** THE FUCK IS THAT "return harumaki's stuff, or else!" DO I LOOK LIKE SOME WEEKLY SHOUNEN JUMP MAGAZINE HERO TO YOU

 **Kokichi:** BITCH DO YOU REALLY THINK OF ME AS SOME CRYTYPING THREE-MOUTH EMOJI MAKING NISHISHI-ING SHITPOSTER?? "i can pick locks" I HAVE TO LAUGH 

**Kaito:** FUCKIGN CLOWN

 **Kokichi:** FUCKING HAREM ANIME PROTAG

 **Kaito:** AUGH

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kissed saihara in a closet:** well, nobody cares about your little secret organization! know why?

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** because it belongs to me.

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Momota Kaito**

**Kokichi:** switch rn, then when they start getting confused switch again

 **Kaito:** [thumbs up emoji]

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kissed saihara in a closet:** maaaan, Momota, you're so lame! I can't believe you

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** You're the worse one, Ouma... you did that to my sidekick...

 **bugs:** what?

 **fuck echizen:** wait a minute 

**kirumaid:** I'm confused

 **kissed saihara in a closet:** YOUR sidekick? shuichi is MY sidekick, you piece of shit!

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** oh yeah? what are you gonna do about it?

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** grow up. he's his own person. your pwecious widdle sidekick shuichi can do what he wants, and so can i.

 **anti robophobia activist:** What the hell is going on

 **guactaro:** who is who

 **tsu53:** gh! was this intentional?!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ...

 **jock lesbian:** this is dizzying

 **insert seesaw joke here:** even I lost track of this... what on earth

 **god is watching:** god isn't sure who's who

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** their typing styles are switching too who the fuck are they really

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** oh my god

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** fucking enough i'm tired of this

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** Kaito, Ouma... 

**practices acting cute in the mirror:** WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS KISSED SAIHARA

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** You guys are sweet, trying to cover for me

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** But it's okay

 **used to cross-dress as a child actor:** I'm okay

 **magic lesbian:** hold on so that means

_> used to cross-dress as a child actor changed their name to detective hooker taxi_

**detective hooker taxi:** And for the record, kaito... 

**detective hooker taxi:** You should give harukawa her machinegun back.

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** alright then

 **tsu53:** OH MY GOD

 **stole one of maki's machineguns:** :') good job, shuichi

_> stole one of maki's machineguns changed their name to it's not gay if it's in space_

**kissed saihara in a closet:** ...i'll chalk it up as a personal loss

_> kissed saihara in a closet changed their name to pantakichi_

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** if any of you make gross or otherwise invasive questions or comments about this @ these two you have me to face :)

 **detective hooker taxi:** ghdslkfjsda thanks kaede

 **detective hooker taxi:** uhh anyway explanation time: my parents are an actor and a screenwriter. in their earlier projects they didn't have as much money since they were just starting out in the industry

 **detective hooker taxi:** so if they needed to cast children in certain roles or as background extras in certain scenes they usually saved the expense by having me dressed in different outfits and makeup

 **anti robophobia activist:** I see...

 **kirumaid:** That makes sense. 

**fuck echizen:** cool

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** hey wait so

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** harumaki practices acting cute in the mirror?

 **practices acting cute in the mirror:** do you want to die.

_> practices acting cute in the mirror changed their name to makill me_

**makill me:** run, idiot

 **makill me:** vengeance for my machinegun

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeee

 **tsu53:** that's a wrap, i guess

 **guactaro:** yeah it better be

 **guactaro:** good fucking rest of the day to you all i hope this never happens again

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** agreed

 **detective hooker taxi:** agreed

 **pantakichi:** agreed

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** agreed

 **makill me:** agreed

 **kirumaid:** Agreed

 **bugs:** agreed

 **jock lesbian:** agreed

 **magic lesbian:** agreed

 **god is watching:** agreed

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** agreed

 **anti robophobia activist:** Agreed

 **fuck echizen:** agreed

 **insert seesaw joke here:** agreed

 **tsu53:**...yeah, agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was EXTREMELY fun to write, especially the "chapter 5" part of things. please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated


	3. secret meetings, cousins, and iidabashi (???)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **detective hooker taxi:** hey no wait a minute go back i’m curious
> 
>  **detective hooker taxi:** Kiibo, what IS your real name?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to think that in a more cartoony version of this au every time kiibo tries to say his name he just gets interrupted by wacky background noises. like a truck's engine revving or construction noises or screeching cat sounds jfdhsfjklfjkhkj

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** Good evening, fellow denizens of this academy! I am beyond overjoyed to inform you that today is a special day that we must devote towards brightening our futures further!

 **pantakichi:** who the FUCK are you and what have you done to the momota kaito i have always hated and loathed

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ouma those are synonyms

 **pantakichi:** yes and? :3

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:**...nvm

 **guactaro:** it’s nice to see you so cheery but it’s also sorta late to make that kinda statement isn’t it?

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** sorry hall monitor senpai took my phone bc i was walking n textign and he just started typing inspirational shit

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** how'd you gget the phone back??????

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** asked him if he was straight and then he started weeping in the corner saying it was "the meanest assumption anyone had made" of him

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** they were real manly tears n all but that gave me the opening i needed to take it back and fukcign star t runnign

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** yeah i was gonna say biker senpai's gonna want your head on a fuckin platter if he finds out you made ishimaru cry lmao

 **detective hooker taxi:** good luck running? lol

 **detective hooker taxi:** but yknow surprisingly that thing wasn't all that different from what you usually say in terms of inspiring people

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** yeah you just say it in less of a stick-up-your-ass way and more of a I’m-A-Totally-Hetero-Dudebro way

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** i’m not a hetero >:/ rude

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** buuuut i do have a girl of my dreams now <3

 **detective hooker taxi:** HUH 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** the luminary of the stars is officially TAKEN babes

 **detective hooker taxi:** WHO WHAT WHEN?????? WHERE WHY HOW 

**makill me:** hm

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** maki!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333333333333

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** whoa first name only instead of sushi nicknames? im sensing horny energy right there

 **makill me:** …

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** <3 ?

 **makill me:** ...okay it’s cute coming from you

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** :D

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** fuckers stop ignoring me

 **detective hooker taxi:** img havign a heart atatakc WHEN did you two become a thing

 **makill me:** chased him for a bit for stealing my machinegun two nights ago, caught him, then we Talked and here we are

 **detective hooker taxi:** that is so vague. thanks for the scraps

 **makill me:** you’re a detective. search for clues yourself 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** damn fine guess i’ll just sit and do my japanese lit homework smfh

 **detective hooker taxi:** i’m not psychic i can’t go back in time to see exactly what you two did

 **makill me:** suffer then

 **detective hooker taxi:** h.

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** so basically after harumaki caught me she was like “whyd you take my machinegun” 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** and i told her that it was so that i could save the world from the impending doom that’s coming from an alien virus in meteor strikes from the 53rd dimension, which only i know about since i’m the luminary of the stars

 **makill me:** okay i’m not having you explain this BASICALLY

 **makill me:** he just wanted to try it out for fun. except he couldn’t use it right, so i took him to my lab and showed him

 **makill me:** while we were doing that he asked me why i practice acting cute in the mirror and i told him why (but i’m not telling You why) and he said it’s dumb that i do that because i’m already cute

 **makill me:** fuck this is embarrassing

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** aww babe <3 love you too <3

 **makill me:** … <3

 **makill me:** just. talking about things about each other we liked and how much we liked each other ig? we’re already friends so

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** anyway so that’s the deal!! harumaki n i are dating. 

**makill me:** if any of you chuckleheads make him cry i’ll make you die

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ,,,maki

 **makill me:** okay not die. i’ll make you cry too

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** better

 **pantakichi:** this is so boringgggggg snore

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** wow look who’s talking

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** speaking of that! im on my way going somewhere rn

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** _@kaedid i fucking stutter @guactaro_ you guys are also coming right? to the thing i talked about

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** gonta and maki are getting the grape soda so we better meet up fast

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** yeah we’re walking together 

**guactaro:** we’re almost there

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** cool see ya then

 **bugs:** gonta almost done getting “Grape Soda” :D

 **pantakichi:** …? 

**pantakichi:** what are you talkignguoery931t4gfoj13804wy9DSGU

 **detective hooker taxi:**??????? ouma??

 **pantakichi:** HEL F GP UFKCIGN

 **detective hooker taxi:** ?!???!?!?!?! 

**anti robophobia activist:** Leaving my lab after a long afternoon’s work to see known robophobe and local menace Ouma kicking and screaming is an interesting way to end the day. Life really is neat

 **detective hooker taxi:** UM?

 **anti robophobia activist:** just like you I have absolutely zero clue what is going on, but as long as we hear from him within 24 hours I’m sure it’ll all be fine!

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** he’ll be with us dw

 **detective hooker taxi:** oh… okay

 **magic lesbian:** nyehh hey why was gonta carrying ouma like a sack of grapes

 **jock lesbian:** he looked like a murderous cat… degenerates are scary…

 **tsu53:** whaaaaat cats are cute though! like nya

 **kirumaid:** Good evening, everyone. Shirogane, I’m sorry but please never do that again.

 **tsu53:** nya?

 **fuck echizen:** i like cats and all but Stop,

 **tsu53:** but,, [sad nyas]

 **anti robophobia activist:** You are quite possibly the WORST cousin anyone could have. You are SO embarrassing and for WHAT

 **tsu53:** shush i practically MADE you

 **anti robophobia activist:** As Tenko normally says, “die”

 **tsu53:** >:O iidabashi kiibo do not backtalk me like that

 **fuck echizen:** lmao your legal name is actually kiibo?

 **anti robophobia activist:** No

 **tsu53:** no haha kiibo’s a family nickname

 **detective hooker taxi:** then what is his actual legal name?

 **anti robophobia activist:** _@tsu53_ if you say it you get blown up

 **tsu53:** ehhh not crushed under a boulder???

 **anti robophobia activist:** How on earth does amami manage to deal with you

 **tsu53:** he’s death with worse

 **tsu53:** *dealt

 **anti robophobia activist:** ...Riiiight

 **detective hooker taxi:** hey no wait a minute go back i’m curious

 **detective hooker taxi:** Kiibo, what IS your real name?

 **magic lesbian:** [eyes emoji] saihara’s in the zone

 **kirumaid:** Truth be told, I am also curious.

 **insert seesaw joke here:** hello everyone + it appears i came here at a good time this looks dramatic

 **jock lesbian:** ehhhh who cares about iidabashi’s name….

 **anti robophobia activist:** ...You don’t usually call me iidabashi, tenko

 **jock lesbian:** if kiibo is not your real first name then i will call you iidabashi since i’m assuming it’s your real last name

 **jock lesbian:** until i hear your real first name you are now iidabashi

 **anti robophobia activist:** what happened to “ehhhh who cares about iidabashi’s name….”

 **tsu53:** _@jock lesbian_ ya iidabashi is his actual surname. my mom and his dad are siblings

 **anti robophobia activist:** TSUMUGI

 **tsu53:** you’re so rebellious these days smh!!! i still remember the days when you used to call me tsumugi-neechan. those were ideal

 **anti robophobia activist:** [gagging noises]

 **detective hooker taxi:** huh so when amami’s not here kiibo takes on the role of Violently Opposing Whatever Shirogane Says And Does

 **tsu53:** it’s tsumuphobia

 **insert seesaw joke here:** that’s not a thing

 **tsu53:** tsumuphobia

 **magic lesbian:** saying it again won’t make it a Thing

 **tsu53:** hmph

 **tsu53:** well everyone the truth is... kiibo's real name is.... [cue dramatic music] 11037

 **magic lesbian:** i don't get it

 **tsu53:** ugh it is so hard being the only weeb in this chat [sneeze emoji]

 **kirumaid:** I thought Hoshi liked anime as well?

 **fuck echizen:** nah i'm a casual

 **makill me:** back from the stupid event +yeah sorry i refuse to believe anyone who can watch modern magical girl anime and not wanna puke from the ditzy waifu shit is a casual

 **fuck echizen:** damn you didn't have to come after the whole genre like that

 **tsu53:** hey. HEY. apologize to sailor moon

 **fuck echizen:** and precure

 **makill me:** fine sailor moon and precure are valid

 **fuck echizen:** thank god. precure is the only pure thing in the world

 **makill me:** im only saying this because kai made me watch a few episodes of go! princess precure with him last night and i actually thought it was cute

 **fuck echizen:** valid

 **tsu53:** WAIT MOMOTA’S INTO ANIME???? 

**makill me:** chill he just got freaked bc of a zombie movie that idiot mechanic senpai showed him last night and wanted to watch something lighter before he went to sleep

 **tsu53:** oh so he’s a normie that’s disappointing

 **tsu53:** but either way im sobbing thank u momota for your service

 **insert seesaw joke here:** okay but is that 11037 number thing some sort of meme or other cultural reference i'm not getting

 **tsu53:** god it really is SO hard being the only real anime geek in the group yall have no clue how badly i'm dying here

 **jock lesbian:** oh YOU'RE dying, sure

 **jock lesbian:** where were you when shinguji talked me into helping him perform a seance for some occult research paper and i got stuck under the basket for an hour because my hair got tangled in it 

**insert seesaw joke here:** i APOLOGIZED for that MANY times 

**jock lesbian:** you also launched me onto the second years' dorm roof using the elementary schoolers' seesaw so perish thot

 **insert seesaw joke here:**...okay yeah sorry for that too

 **tsu53:** eep sorry ;; i was kinda too busy writing it down for OC insp to help out 

**jock lesbian:** aww honey that's okay <33 

**insert seesaw joke here:** wow. as always the human race fascinates me

 **jock lesbian:** die degenerate (i mean this in a meme way lmk if it makes you uncomfortable)

 **insert seesaw joke here:** you’re good 

**jock lesbian:** (okay nice)

 **god is watching:** i can detail the importance of tattooing both as an art form and as an important aspect of the coming-of-age process within polynesian culture if you're up for it? _@insert seesaw joke here_

 **god is watching:** come to my lab in like two minutes i'll be done with this painting by then

 **insert seesaw joke here:** !! thanks omw i'll be there soon

 **kirumaid:** This has derailed fantastically from the matter of learning Kiibo's real name

 **anti robophobia activist:** Ahaha, I was hoping you'd forget that

 **anti robophobia activist:** It's really not a big deal! I prefer Kiibo, honest. Even being called Iidabashi feels too stuffy to me

 **anti robophobia activist:** I don’t hate my actual name per se. Some people know it and that’s fine. I just kinda want to keep it a mystery for fun

 **anti robophobia activist:** For the Dramatic Backstory™ if you will

 **kirumaid:** Nonsense. It is a maid's duty to know everything about her classmates

 **anti robophobia activist:**...Such as...?

 **kirumaid:** On Sundays from approximately 10-11 AM you engage in fantasy roleplay games with your mini-bots Redtaro, Greendam, Yellowsuke, Bluekid, and Pinkphanie, so I avoid your research lab so as to allow you peace while you are stimulating your imagination

 **anti robophobia activist:** aAAAAAAAAAAAAA KIRUMI STOP SHTOSP PD SDJFH!!!! !!! 

**jock lesbian:** ehhhh... so mr degenerate iidabashi's into that....

 **magic lesbian:** HJLDSKFIYLDSKGFLHDSJFKLH

 **kirumaid:** ?

 **anti robophobia activist:** emo mode .

 **kirumaid:** I apologize, I didn't realize I was being insensitive

 **anti robophobia activist:** It's alright, apology accepted :') Also tenko. Please call me kiibo

 **jock lesbian:** i’m calling you iidabashi until we get that real name 

**anti robophobia activist:** I suppose I’ll have to be called iidabashi my whole life then… sad...

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** nnn kiichiro

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** can we cancel tonight? m wayyy too fuckign exhausted……. japanese lit is a bitch…….

 **jock lesbian:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lesbian rights babey

 **fuck echizen:** oh my god

 **tsu53:** HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHA LMAOOOO 

**kirumaid:** So your name is

 **detective hooker taxi:** Iidabashi... Kiichiro?

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** wait 

**anti robophobia activist:** MIUUUuuuuuuu whyyyyyy

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** SHITTTT BABE IM SSORRY I THOGUHT TTHIS WAS DM

 **anti robophobia activist:** eh whatever if not now then they would've found out later

 **detective hooker taxi:** ah yeah Kirigiri-senpai was already about to start snooping through her dad's school records for me ;;

 **anti robophobia activist:** WOW

 **anti robophobia activist:** You wasted her time for something this petty? What if the headmaster found out about it???

 **detective hooker taxi:** wellllll

 **magic lesbian:** if _@pantakichi_ would fucking ANSWER HIS DMS then i would've had him steal them long before that actually

 **anti robophobia activist:** Oh rad you all have zero patience that's neat

 **anti robophobia activist:** Hey wait just use your magic????

 **magic lesbian:** ……………………...my mana’s low 

**anti robophobia activist:** uh huh. i see

 **anti robophobia activist:** (is it working? are my texts looking less like automated spambots now?)

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** you're doing great babe [thumbs up emoji] 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** ehehee i'm gonna reward you later~ [eggplant emoji]

 **jock lesbian:** wow look at that i'm already gagging. 10000% less willing to stay online

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** you're not the only one who's gonna be gagging ;)

 **jock lesbian:** EWWW IRUMA DIE

 **tsu53:** i didn’t NEED to know that my baby cousin is doing R18 stuff IRUMA

 **anti robophobia activist:** Sorry what do eggplants have to do with kissing? And what does kissing have to do with gagging I don't get it

 **magic lesbian:** oh cute this is more pure than i was expecting

 **tsu53:** oh thank god it’s not R18 stuff

 **anti robophobia activist:** Also tsumugi shush i’m only like two months younger than you

 **detective hooker taxi:** aww you guys have kissed? and you’re super close looks like

 **detective hooker taxi:** i didn't even realize you two were dating wow...

 **jock lesbian:** u need to step up that detective game saihara that’s TWO couples you didn’t know about now. i better see progress by tmr morning

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** hhh hhh hh ng

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** hey just walked by the dorms why is iruma so red in the face

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** ...........oh hh hkay i see

 **pantakichi:** AW I MISSED A CHANCE TO STEAL SOME SHIT AND MAKE FUN OF KIIBOY

 **pantakichi:** >:( >:( >:( look at all the fun shit you made me miss out momota smfh

 **guactaro:** i think we had a good talk though

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** yeah it took a while but i think it was worth it. i’m gonna head to bed...

 **bugs:** yes! gonta agree it was fun :D gonta go to sleep too now

 **makill me:** wait it didn't end in premeditated disaster??

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** no??? why would you expect that

 **makill me:** it's ouma

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** ...actually yeah i can see now

 **pantakichi:** my lackeys are coming for all of you. you have two days. have fun in clown hell [check mark emoji] and goodnight

 **detective hooker taxi:** ??????????

=

**Saihara Shuichi > Ouma Kokichi**

**Shuichi:** Should i be worried?????????????

 **Kokichi:** gonta kidnapped me and you weren't even there to rescue me :'( ugh saihara i was so hurt

 **Shuichi:** ...if they actually did hurt you I'm gonna be fucking mad 

**Kokichi:** ahaha sorry that's a lie. i’m totally fine nothing really happened

 **Shuichi:** Ah... good. i'm glad it was a lie then

 **Shuichi:** ? you've been typing for a really long time is everything okay

 **Kokichi:** just

 **Kokichi:** god you really ARE unpredictable

 **Shuichi:** ? look who’s talking 

**Kokichi:** whatever anyway I have something to tell you.

 **Kokichi:** It may or may not be a lie though, so you'll have to use that trustworthy detective brain of yours to figure out what I actually mean. Got it?

 **Shuichi:** Yeah, got it

 **Kokichi:** okay 

**Kokichi:**...goodnight, Shuichi

 **Kokichi:**? hmmmm? what’s got you so flustered that you’ve been typing for so long ;)

 **Shuichi:** Goodnight, Kokichi

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**magic lesbian:** my mana’s even lower than before now that tenko’s not here so gn

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** mm same goodnight kiichiro 

**anti robophobia activist:** goodnight miu c:

 **tsu53:** im going to bed too. gn kiichiro

 **anti robophobia activist:** -_- 

**tsu53:** someone date me i’m sad now

 **anti robophobia activist:** Yamada Hifumi-senpai makes magical girl doujin if you want a weeb bf lol

 **tsu53:**...i’d just plain rather take my chances with one of your robots

 **anti robophobia activist:** I was attempting to make a joke but wym? i thought you and amami were a thing?

 **guactaro:** ahaha nooooo way in hell 

**guactaro:** i’m aroace ;; and sorry but honestly even if i wasn’t i wouldn’t wanna date your anime freak cousin 

**tsu53:** no offense but i’d rather date a piece of yellowing grass than rantaro LMAO

 **guactaro:** tl;dr tsumugi thinks i’m too basic and i think she’s too extra

 **tsu53:** yeah ^

 **guactaro:** most importantly though. i'm just not into people that way

 **anti robophobia activist:** That's so weird I could've SWORN

 **tsu53:** well whatever you thought kii you were wrong. we're not dating 

**anti robophobia activist:** Huh... okay. At least you’re good friends though right

 **guactaro:**...sure

 **tsu53:** ...mhm

 **detective hooker taxi:** stop spamming and go to sleep we have class tomorrow

 **guactaro:** kk goodnight

 **anti robophobia activist:** gn

 **tsu53:** night!

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Rantaro:** KSLDJFSDL I THOUGHT YOU SAID NOBODY KNEW WE USED TO DATE???? I GOT SCARED

 **Tsumugi:** ARE YOU KIDDING I WAS JUST AS FREAKED AS YOU I THOUGHT WE ACCIDENTALLY DID SMTH OBVIOUS

 **Tsumugi:** god he's super perceptive about the worst things

 **Rantaro:** ahaha it was the most awkward two weeks of my life so i was thinking maybe i was acting weird and he picked up on that

 **Rantaro:** no offense!! that was all me ;;

 **Tsumugi:** none taken

 **Tsumugi:** at least you managed to figure the aroace stuff out before anything escalated? lmao

 **Tsumugi:** and it's not like you were the only one who felt awk about it... even if im bi and talk about wanting a bf or gf im just plain not really into actually getting into those sorts of relationships. i actually prefer just hanging out with friends more. i learned that from my time with you

 **Rantaro:** yeah... no hard feelings

**Tsumugi:** c: aw 

****

**Rantaro:** unless you do creepy weird otaku shit then yes hard feelings

****

**Tsumugi:** >:p rude 

****

**Rantaro:** yeah sorry there's a difference between Normal-Slash-Maybe Chuuni Person Weird (tolerable) and Shirogane Tsumugi Weird

 **Tsumugi:** see i know you wanna call me a crazy asshole liar but you still settle for being a Nice Normie Boy and calling me weird instead

 **Rantaro:** you're not evil or anything yknow

 **Rantaro:** you're just a normal teenager with your own circumstances

 **Tsumugi:** ,,,you're way too nice considering all the shit i did (and still kinda do) but whatever

 **Rantaro:** i mean... it's just who you are, isn't it? despite all of that, you're still my friend. it's okay for you to be open about yourself

 **Tsumugi:** . 

**Rantaro:** ...........well at any rate us dating was a decent while ago so i was surprised kiibo even noticed

****

**Tsumugi:** aha god i know!!! i was certain we kept it hidden well enough since even saihara didn't realize and he does detective stuff for relationships and infidelity for a living

****

**Rantaro:** right? lmao

****

**Rantaro:** well luckily kiibo seems convinced so ig it's all good

****

**Tsumugi:** ahaha yeah

****

**Tsumugi:** well then. see you in class, i guess

 **Rantaro:** yeah seeya

****

**Momota Kaito > Saihara Shuichi**

****

**Kaito:** sooooo [eyes emoji]

****

**Kaito:** spill the tea is he gonna do something 

****

**Shuichi:** Toujo will have to clean it up so no, i won’t spill the tea

****

**Kaito:** shuuuuuuuuu :'( please i wanna know!! 

****

**Shuichi:** i don’t know what you did kaito but you really don’t have to meddle

****

**Kaito:** Heroes Help Sidekicks when sidekicks are in trouble 

****

**Shuichi:** you sure it’s not just because the hero “reeeeally wants to go on a double date to that new space-themed rollerskating place once shu and ouma get their shit together”

****

**Shuichi:** because that’s what maki’s testimony (and text history) had to say

****

**Kaito:** damn this isn’t some murder investigation don’t come at me like that

****

**Kaito:** but anyway DID he get his shit together? please we spent hours of effort on this

****

**Shuichi:** pushing and forcing ouma around isn’t a good idea... you probably just pissed him off

****

**Kaito:** ah...

****

**Shuichi:** but he’s not cruel and i’m not totally sure what you all said to him so maybe it’ll go well? who knows.

****

**Kaito:**...

****

**Shuichi:** DEEP sighs okay i’ll update you when anything happens

****

**Kaito:** :DDDDDDDD YESS

****

**Shuichi:** yeesh just buy a spla-teen vogue subscription if you want drama

****

**Kaito:** nooo i care about youuuu

****

**Shuichi:** Kaito.

****

**Kaito:** andddd i already have a subscription…. anddd i like the drama…..

****

**Shuichi:** yeah that sounds about right

****

**Shuichi:** ...he called me Shuichi

****

**Kaito:** awww

****

**Kaito:** i’m glad it’s working out ;)

****

**Shuichi:** gudbkfljjkgkhadjkl stop making fun of usssss

****

**Kaito:** i’ll only stop once you two are dating for sure

****

**Shuichi:** :’) thanks + goodnight

****

**Kaito:** sleep tight shu [stars emoji]

****

=

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon chapter 3 references in chapter 3 of this fic? more likely than u think. 
> 
> tsumugi and kiibo being cousins just sort of naturally came about as i was writing ig...? i found the idea of them being relatives as a way of conveying them both being part of team danganronpa in canon funny, so here we are.
> 
> also... past rantsu because i can ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ amami being aroace is a personal hc based on all his responses to people during FTEs/salmon mode/UTDP [(this person did a good job of compiling examples here if you're interested).](https://khattikeri.tumblr.com/post/181713455847/ririruby-tumblr-ver-of-my-aroace-amami-receipts) tsumugi being bi but just not liking relationships because she doesn't care for expressing herself openly is also a headcanon based more off of my personal experiences.
> 
> their relationship is among my favorites to write (even if their only canon interactions are the nail brush scene and the murder), so i really hope i did rantaro's more selfless nature and tsumugi's more self-centered nature justice ;;; oof
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated


	4. grape soda, eyeballs, and a talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Kaito:** :)
> 
>  **Kokichi:** ...what am i looking at
> 
>  **Kaito:** :) good morning it’s intervention time
> 
> _Kokichi has left the chat._
> 
> **Kaito:** hghDSFUHHK WWAIT COME BACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small note! This chapter starts out taking place before chapter 3, and ends at the same time as chapter 3. 
> 
> Alsoooo..... this is the first chapter where there's prose! Yeah, I really couldn't keep this plot entirely in chat format, given how it plays out. Future chapters are also gonna have a lot more prose (there'll still be chat here and there, though).
> 
> Let me know if my prose is good, I guess...? I hope it doesn't take away from the reading experience, ahah ;;;

**Momota Kaito > Ouma Kokichi**

**Kaito:** :)

 **Kaito:** :)

 **Kaito:** :)

 **Kokichi:** ...what am i looking at

 **Kaito:** :) good morning it’s intervention time

_Kokichi has left the chat._

**Kaito:** hghDSFUHHK WWAIT COME BACK

 **Kaito:** damn guess not 

=

_> Kaito has added Maki, Gonta, and two others _

_> Kaito changed the group name to Operation: Grape Soda_

**Kaito:** heyyyyy guys okay so

 **Gonta:** hello! what is this chat :0

 **Rantaro:** what is this and why am i here

 **Kaede:** ^ ?

 **Kaito:** dont be so imPATIENT just listen

 **Maki:** kinda rich coming from u but okay

 **Kaito:** :’( kaitophobia

 **Kaito:** ANYWAY

 **Kaito:** i’m holding an intervention for ouma cos he’s dumb and still hasn’t asked shuichi out yet even though they both CLEARLY like each otehr

 **Kaito:** and since this is secret i’m calling it Operation Grape Soda

 **Kaede:** OOOOOO SOUNDS FUN >:D

 **Rantaro:** aaa ;;; i’m not a huge fan of meddling ;;

 **Kaito:** cmon :/ ranty :/ don’t be a baby :/

 **Rantaro:** no offense but if you call me ranty again i’ll drop you into a river of crocodiles

 **Kaito:** EEEEEEEK WHY

 **Rantaro:** Certain Reasons™ 

**Kaede:** MOVING ON ANYWYAY

 **Kaede:** what’s the intervention plan?

 **Kaito:** right right so 

**Kaito:** basically ouma’s a lil gremlin bitch who’d never come of his own volition yknow? so we’ll have gonta bring him 

**Gonta:** ohhh gonta can do that

 **Gonta:** since gonta is ouma’s friend :D

 **Kaito:** precisely, big guy!

 **Kaito:** buuuut since gonta’s a little bit gullible and ouma knows how to sweet talk his way out of things i’m also gonna have harumaki go with him so that ouma can’t escape while you’re en route

 **Maki:** ughhhh okay

 **Maki:** i’m only agreeing to this because it’s you btw

 **Kaito:** <3

 **Maki:** <3

 **Rantaro:** why are akamatsu and i here then

 **Kaito:** oh you guys are there for like. moral support and talking basically

 **Maki:** ouma does seem less antagonistic to the two of you 

**Kaito:** i think it’s more like you two are less antagonistic to him;;; and you both have the ability to know exactly when he’s fucking with you and shut that shit down. unlike gonta or kiibo

 **Kaede:** that’s fair

 **Kaede:** so we’re the ones talking to him and actually doing the Intervention stuff?

 **Kaito:** i was thinking we could all do it but if we end up in like a worst case scenario you and amami steer ouma to like. the Right path

 **Kaede:** gotcha [thumbs up emoji]

 **Gonta:** so gonta just bring ouma right? find him and carry him?

 **Kaito:** yup. you can stand by the door too and catch him if he tries to escape

 **Gonta:** :D !! okay! 

**Kaito:** if we talk about this little Event of ours in the main chat, use the words “grape soda” whenever you talk about ouma

 **Gonta:** i understand

 **Maki:** noted

 **Rantaro:** ^

 **Kaede:** ^

 **Maki:** and this is all happening tomorrow right

 **Kaito:** yup tomorrow at around like…. 8-ish? before nighttime but after dinner 

**Gonta:** one question, where does gonta bring him

 **Kaito:** oh huh i forgot about that

 **Maki:** kai 

**Kaito:** ,,, i don’t know…. 

**Rantaro:** gimme a sec i’ll arrange something

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Rantaro:** hey can we borrow your lab tomorrow at around like 8 pm

 **Tsumugi:** ????????? who is ‘we’

 **Rantaro:** uhh me gonta momota akamatsu and harukawa

 **Tsumugi:** that is the weirdest group of people i’ve seen what is going on

 **Rantaro:** it’s kinda private but we need a place that isn’t easy to escape 

**Tsumugi:** escape?????? god you are so fucking cryptic

 **Tsumugi:** but it’s fine, go ahead. i had iruma install a security lock on there so weirdo freak senpais (doujin guy, cook guy, mechanic guy, etc.) couldn’t come in and drool all over my outfits

 **Rantaro:**? huh okay where’s the key then

 **Tsumugi:** you know the super tall mannequin by the door that’s wearing a bikini? it’s inside a secret compartment in its right boob

 **Rantaro:** …

 **Rantaro:** you are so goddamn annoying i hope you know that

 **Tsumugi:** well 1) iruma made it and 2) how else am i supposed to stop people from trying to find it smh

 **Tsumugi:** plus tiddy hot

 **Rantaro:** screenshotted

 **Tsumugi:** die

 **Rantaro:** that thing’s like several times the height of a normal person so do you mind if i like. use my gear to climb it or

 **Tsumugi:** yeah yeah go for it just be sure to do it after curfew so nobody sees

 **Rantaro:** okay cool thanks 

=

**Operation: Grape Soda**

**Rantaro:** shirogane’s lab is open :p

 **Kaito:** damn that was fast

 **Rantaro:** apparently it’s lockable so we’re gucci. i’ll have to get the key myself later tonight tho

 **Maki:** i’ve heard it’s super spacious… ouma could hide p easily

 **Gonta:** gonta will look as scary as possible so ouma does not leave!! >:C

 **Kaede:** gonta you are so sweet thank you

 **Gonta:** :D anything to help

 **Kaito:** great so we’re all set

 **Kaito:** see you guys tomorrow then ;) be there at eight

=

And that was was how Amami Rantaro was stuck sneaking around the school way past curfew with his climbing gear, ready to get the key to Shirogane’s lab.

“She could’ve just found a way to give the key to me herself, but no…” he muttered under his breath, securing the rope around the mannequin as quickly and quietly as possible. Granted, it wasn’t that much of an issue-- he was the Ultimate Adventurer for a reason. It was just, y’know, awkward. A twenty foot tall mannequin wearing nothing but a bikini was _not_ on Amami’s list of things he had climbed before.

He shook his head with a sigh. _First time for everything, I guess._

So he climbed, careful not to make too much noise. Luckily, Shirogane found a way to turn off the school cameras outside her lab (how, Amami didn’t want to dwell too much on), so he wouldn’t be caught by any staff. 

The surface of the mannequin was smooth, but climbing it was far from impossible. Within the next twenty or so minutes, he managed to arrive at his destination. 

“A secret compartment, huh…” Amami muttered. He reached for the flashlight on his utility belt, switching it on and holding it in his teeth to give both of his hands the freedom to move about. _If there’s a secret compartment, then there has to be some sort of uneven edge to the mannequin that makes it easier to open..._

One vigorous mental apology to the mannequin later, Amami chanced a look underneath the mannequin’s bra.

_Bingo._

It was extremely small in comparison to the rest of the mannequin; no doubt to hide the fact that it contained the key to the lab to begin with. Amami traced his finger over the edge until he finally heard the tell-tale _click_ that told him that he’d successfully found the compartment and pulled it open.

What he saw inside made him almost drop the flashlight from his mouth.

A single eyeball.

Amami’s eyes widened. A brief, strangled noise passed through his teeth as he processed exactly what it was. Swallowing his fear, he reached out and gingerly touched it, then visibly sagged with relief as he realized that it was fake.

There was nothing else in the compartment; at least, nothing that he could see. Amami put the flashlight back in his utility belt and put the eyeball in his pocket, then reached for his phone as he climbed down, scrolling through his contacts and pressing the call button.

 _If she doesn’t pick up, I swear…_ Amami grit his teeth. After several rings, there was a click from the other line.

“Mmmh, what…? It’s two in the morning…”

“Did you lie to me about the key to your lab?!” Amami hissed. 

Shirogane seemed a bit more awake on the other end after that. “What do you mean?”

“Tsumugi,” Amami said as calmly as possible, which was actually not very calm at all given the situation, “if I don’t get an explanation as to why there’s a fucking _eyeball_ in my pocket right now, I’m gonna sue you.”

“I’ve had worse lawsuits from production companies,” Shirogane yawned. “Copyright this, trademark that... they really have no respect for fans and their efforts…”

_“Tsumugi!”_

She grumbled. “Okay, okay, I did lie. Only a little, though! It’s not a normal lock with a key; it’s a retinal scanner.”

Amami pinched the bridge of his nose. “Couldn’t you just use your own eyes instead of… whatever this thing is?”

Shirogane bristled. “Of course not, then people could just use photos of me and break in. I had to have this eyeball so that nobody else could enter unless I was the one using it!”

 _Whose eye is it, then?!_ Amami swallowed uncomfortably. As if sensing the question, Shirogane shifted. “The eye belongs to someone far away, so don’t sweat it.”

_No, that’s actually more worrisome…!_

“Ahaha, that’s another lie,” Shirogane giggled. “Iruma-san intentionally made it one-of-a-kind. There isn’t a single person in the world who it’d match.”

Amami removed his gear from the mannequin and began walking back to his dorm room, holding his phone up to his ear using his shoulder. “Uh-huh…”

“But that’s good for you, isn’t it?” Shirogane hummed. “That way Ouma-kun can’t pick the lock when you all bring him there tomorrow.”

Amami sighed. “Yeah…” He froze, blinking. “Wait, how did you--”

Shirogane giggled. “I know everything, Ranty,” she sing-songed. Amami’s eye twitched in annoyance. “But don’t worry about it! I’m sure you guys’ lame normie intervention will totally _crush_ everyone’s expectations.”

_God, she’s so…!_

Amami smiled, spite on his mind. _Two can play at that game._ “Thanks for the creepy eyeball, _Tsu-chan,”_ he teased, voice saccharine sweet. He grit his teeth, ignoring her indignant cursing at the nickname he knew she hated on the other end. “ _Goodnight.”_ Without waiting for another response, Amami ended the call.

He shook his head and rubbed his temple, opening the door to his dorm room. “Over the top, ridiculous...” he muttered under his breath as he arranged his gear in his closet and put the eyeball in his desk drawer. “If people actually knew she was like this, the school would have a field day…”

Amami let out a groan as he finally flopped onto bed.

 _Ah, whatever..._ he thought, pressing his face into his pillow. _Even if she acts like that on purpose, she’s still nice enough to let us use her space..._

The exhaustion lulled him to sleep.

=

Ouma Kokichi was _totally_ gonna torture Momota after this was all said and done.

Not kill, because killing was against DICE’s rules, and Ouma still liked to abide by them. But torture wasn’t out of the question for something as irritating and nosy as this.

In hindsight, Ouma should’ve run to his room, but the surprise of being suddenly picked up and carried overtook his logic for that brief moment. Worse than that, Harukawa had swiped his phone from his hands and lockpicking tools from his pocket, so he couldn’t even play games as he was being oh-so-brutally kidnapped.

“Gonta,” he said, boredly resting his chin in his hand, “put me down.”

“No can do,” Gonta replied. Harukawa glared at him for even bothering to ask, and Ouma let out a long-suffering sigh.

He willed fake tears to his eyes. “G-Gonta… Y-You’re so mean,” he sniffled, voice watery. “I… I wanna go home!”

Gonta paused, gritting his teeth as if in physical pain just from listening to Ouma’s voice. “I’m sorry, Ouma-kun…! This is necessary!”

“Keep moving,” Harukawa said evenly, and Gonta obliged. As they continued walking, she flicked Ouma in the forehead. “Tough luck, gremlin.”

_Goddammit._

=

“A retinal scanner…?” Akamatsu asked. She looked left and right at the eyeball as Amami opened access to Shirogane’s lab, like she couldn’t believe something like it was actually in front of her. “Weird, I didn’t think Shirogane-san would bother with something so over-the-top…”

 _Girl, same,_ Amami thought tiredly in response. The doors to Shirogane’s lab opened, and the two walked in. 

Like the rumors had said, it was spacious. There were several stages and backdrops, and at least ten racks full of all sorts of different clothes that Shirogane had made by herself.

“Amazing,” Akamatsu whispered.

It really was.

Just then, Momota, Gonta, and Harukawa came in, with a loudly whining Ouma in tow.

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease let me go! I have an evil organization to lead in case you weren’t aware! I actually kinda like you guys, so it’ll be really sad if all my followers end up slaughtering you!”

“You can put him down now, Gonta,” Harukawa sighed.

“Welcome to your intervention!” Momota grinned. 

Though Ouma didn’t look amused in the least, he still played it up. “Wow! You guys clearly put a lot of thought into this,” he put a finger in front of his grinning mouth. “Maybe I will go along with it!”

And then he sprinted.

“OUMA-KUN, NO!” Gonta cried, leaping in front of Ouma with the same desperacy as a man about to take a bullet for someone. Ouma ran smack-dab into Gonta’s large chest. “Gonta no let you leave! This important! Please listen to friends!”

“This is stupid,” Ouma muttered.

Amami stifled a sigh. _This is gonna take a while._

=

**Shirogane Tsumugi > Akamatsu Kaede**

**Tsumugi:** psst

 **Tsumugi:** amami’s turned his phone off and it seems like the rest of you are having trouble with ouma, so I’m just gonna let you know

 **Tsumugi:** there’s a trap door underneath the fourth clothes rack from the left that has gags and rope and handcuffs and other similar things juuuust in case

 **Kaede:** ??!?!?!?!?!??! IM SORRY????

 **Tsumugi:** hey i’m just saying

 **Kaede:** are you. into that? like Into into th

 **Tsumugi:** kaede i’m not korekiyo i don’t have a bondage kink that’s jusif t to tie up intruders

 **Kaede:** oh okay

 **Kaede:** WAIT KIYO HAS A WHAT NOW KINK????

 **Tsumugi:** god i wish rantaro kept his phone on

=

Luckily for Akamatsu Kaede, there eventually proved to be no need for Shirogane’s…. dubiously kept bondage gear.

Ouma was only human after all; he knew he couldn’t keep up the stamina required to outrun several people (all of whom were stronger than him) within a confined space. So instantly, he blurted:

“If half of you leave, then I’ll talk.”

“Oh, sweet,” Harukawa immediately leapt up at the chance. “Bye.” And so she walked out.

“Ah, Harumaki, wait up!” Momota ran after her. He turned around to look back at everyone else. “I’ll stay outside the door just in case you decide you need me after all, okay?” 

Gonta bit his lip. “Gonta’s not the best at talking and explaining feelings, so… Gonta will also wait outside with Momota-kun.”

After Gonta had made his exit, Ouma let out a deep sigh and sat on the floor.

Akamatsu walked up and sat down on her knees in front of him, anticipating some sort of response. Amami joined her.

“Well?” Akamatsu licked her lips. 

Ouma stayed quiet.

“Ouma-kun… If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay,” Amami said gently. “Momota-kun tends to be too righteous about this sort of stuff, so you don’t have to spill your guts about how you feel.”

“No,” Ouma said tiredly, waving away their concerns. “As much as I hate to admit it, that idiot has a point. I just don't want to talk about it with that many people from our class around.”

 _Oh?_ Akamatsu and Amami shared a look with each other. Maybe they’d end up getting somewhere after all.

“...Kissing Saihara-chan in that closet was one thing, but wanting a relationship is entirely different,” Ouma continued. “It’s a lot more to ask of a person. It’s too…” he didn’t seem to be struggling so much with choosing the words as he was with simply saying them aloud.

Akamatsu sort of felt like she knew what he was going through. “...Intimate?” she guessed. 

Ouma stayed quiet again, burying his face in his knees. Amami gently patted him on the back.

“You guys know I’m not into romance, so this might seem like out of place advice,” Amami began, “but it’s okay to be scared of intimacy, y’know?”

“I think I’m just scared of confronting him,” Ouma admitted softly. “I don’t want to ruin this back-and-forth thing we’ve got going on by telling him how I actually feel.”

Akamatsu felt a surge of sympathy. “It’s okay!” she rested her hands on her knees. “The only way you’ll be able to stop being afraid of confronting him is if you actually do it. If you two don’t dance around the matter and face each other honestly, you’ll be alright!” 

“Because you and Toujo-chan are totally doing that, right?” Ouma stuck his tongue out at her. Akamatsu stuck out her tongue back.

“Toujo-san and I are getting there,” Akamatsu admitted. “But I’m not lying! Shuichi isn’t the kind of person who’d get mad or upset at you for what you did. And he definitely won’t hate you or feel like you’re ruining anything, either.”

“But what if he does?” Ouma insisted. 

“Then it’s okay, isn’t it?” Amami said. 

Akamatsu whirled her head in surprise. _What are you doing?!_ she tried to say with her face, internally panicking. _We need to be encouraging him!_

Amami shuffled awkwardly. “I mean… When I first tried dating, back before I had my sexuality figured out… I experienced something sort of similar to that. Feeling like I was ruining something with my awkwardness… We talked it out, and she felt the same way about herself. So we broke up, and agreed that neither of us really liked dating in general to begin with.” 

Ouma blinked. Amami continued. “The point is, things go forward. Life goes on. Instead of being scared of what might happen if things go wrong and running away whenever an opportunity presents itself, it’s better to take the chance and enjoy the experiences you’ll get.” Amami smirked. “Not to mention,” he added slyly, gently nudging Ouma’s shoulder, “I’m fairly certain Saihara-kun is just as anxious about wanting to be with you as you are with him.”

Akamatsu wagged her eyebrows suggestively. “What a coincidence, Amami-kun. I was thinking the same,” she grinned.

“Piss off, both of you,” Ouma muttered, ignoring their muffled laughter. 

(Even so, he was smiling with them.)

“...Thanks, guys.”

=

Momota brightened up when the three of them came out of Shirogane’s lab. “Hey! How’d it go?”

“Peachy, Momota-chan,” Ouma smiled serenely. “In fact, your uncalled-for meddling was so successful I proposed to Saihara-chan on the spot!” Ouma fluttered his eyes dreamily. “We’re getting married in Area 51. I had my secret evil organization threaten the US government to let us use it and they caved. Saihara-chan wanted you to be his best man since you're an astronaut and would totally love to see the aliens, but I said no, because I'm evil and enjoy denying you fun life opportunities. We’re also getting a specially-ordained Catholic Peruvian llama to officiate as the minister--”

“Quit lying, you little stinker,” Momota growled, pinching Ouma’s cheeks and pulling on them. Ouma let out a loud whine in response.

“Where’s Gonta-kun?” Akamatsu yawned, changing the subject. 

Momota shuffled. “He went back to bed around ten minutes in. Said he believed in his friends enough that he could rest easy now, and stuff.” Momota then reached into his jacket pockets and pulled out Ouma’s phone and pickpocketing tools, handing them to Ouma. “Here, Harumaki gave them to me as she left.”

Ouma snatched them back, hugging them close to his chest and wailing obnoxiously loud. “Oh, my precious phone! My darling lockpicking tools!" he shed crocodile tears as he wept. "I’ll never let a brute like Harumaki-chan kidnap you again!”

“Where did the sentimental Ouma that we were talking to go…” Akamatsu muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

Amami shrugged, muffling a giggle with his hand. “He really doesn’t change, does he?”

Momota turned to them. “Let’s all go back to the dorms? Curfew is soon.”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Akamatsu yawned, stretching. “Ahhh, I’m so tired...” Amami used the eyeball to lock the lab when they all left; Ouma looked at it curiously and made a mental note to sneak around and check it out later.

“It’s barely been half an hour, but it feels like ages,” Amami agreed, checking his wristwatch. He yawned. “I’m gonna go return this to Shirogane-san tomorrow morning… I had to stay up super late to get it, so my sleep schedule’s messed up…”

“I might try talking to Saihara-chan later,” Ouma looked at his nails. “Maybe.”

(He ignored Momota whisper-yelling _“YES!”_ and pumping his fist in the air.)

= 

Ouma plugged his phone in to charge and turned the lights in his dorm room off.

Naturally, he wouldn’t confess his feelings in a straightforward way; it just wasn’t his style. Already, he was thinking of a plan for how to present it… Hopefully Saihara would accept him and his feelings regardless when they met up tomorrow. 

No longer afraid of the future, Ouma went to sleep. 

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhh not sure how that turned out? i'm a little bad at stuff like interventions, ahaha. but anyway... the plot continues! stay tuned for Ouma Kokichi's Great Big Totally Not Clownish Confession next chapter ;p
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated


	5. king of my heart, queen of my soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _This is why I fell in love with you to begin with._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouma Kokichi's Totally Not Ridiculous And Over The Top Confession.... GO!

**Ouma Kokichi > Saihara Shuichi**

**Kokichi:** hey hey~

 **Shuichi:** hhey

 **Kokichi:** meet me in the classroom at like 7

 **Shuichi:** ? it’s already lunch though??

 **Kokichi:** oh shumai. u beautiful bambino.

 **Kokichi:** i mean 7 PM

 **Shuichi:** wh?????? that late at night? wb curfew

 **Kokichi:** it’s okayyyyy jeez

 **Kokichi:** nobody actually bothers following curfew to begin with!

 **Kokichi:** and besides… don’t you wanna hear what i have to say? >:3c

 **Shuichi:** ...I do

 **Shuichi:** am i allowed to have hints or 

**Kokichi:** you’ll see ;p

=

It was weird being in the classroom at nighttime.

Weird, but kind of thrilling, in a way.

Saihara carefully opened the door and turned on the lights and breathed a small sigh of relief when Ouma was indeed there waiting for him. The other boy brightened up seeing his face, motioning for Saihara to come over to where he was sitting.

 _I wonder what he’s going to tell me,_ Saihara thought.

Ouma opened his mouth, and--

“Play some chess with me,” he grinned, pulling up a chessboard out of _thin air._

“Huh?” The words came out before Saihara even realized it; he covered his mouth. “What does this have to do with anything?”

Ouma beamed. “If you manage to beat me at chess,” he bit his lip impishly, “then I’ll tell you.”

Without even waiting for a response, Ouma put the board on the desk and began setting up pieces. Saihara sighed. It was late at night by school standards, and he really wasn’t prepared for a game of chess at the moment… but he still really wanted to know what Ouma wanted to tell him.

He pulled up a chair and sat opposite Ouma, who by now had finished setting up.

“Ready?” Ouma raised a brow. 

Saihara let out a huff of air. “Mm.”

“Capture the king, and you’ll get to know,” Ouma reiterated. “You start.”

=

Ouma’s Great Incredible Plan To Confess To Saihara Shuichi did not, in fact, account for Saihara losing five consecutive games of chess.

On the flip side, he was happy that Saihara had actually bothered asking for a rematch every time. Ouma was honestly just going to go back to bed, but since Saihara took the initiative for once, well...

“That makes it five times you’ve beaten me,” Saihara looked grim. He met Ouma’s eyes, looking rather fierce despite this only being a game of chess. “Rematch?”

_Time for plan B, I guess._

Ouma held up his hand. “Easy there, Shumai. This isn’t life or death. We don’t have to keep doing this--”

“But I want to know,” Saihara insisted. He shifted uncomfortably, as if realizing how bold that sounded. “Aside from curiosity being part of my nature… I just want to find out for myself what you have to tell me. Not as a detective, but as Saihara Shuichi.”

Ouma softened his gaze. 

_This is why I fell in love with you to begin with._

Ouma shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, I’m not done with you yet. We’ll still play games, just… not chess.” Saying so, he whipped out a pack of cards and raised a brow. “Cards?”

Saihara nodded. “Okay. You’ll tell me if I win, right?”

“Yup~” Ouma took out the cards from the pack and began shuffling, taking a quick glance at the clock in front of the classroom before speaking. “It’s getting way late, and we have class tomorrow, so all you have to do is play some Go Fish with me.”

Saihara narrowed his eyes. “Is… Is there a catch?”

“Nishishi,” Ouma giggled. “Maybe. Why don’t you try to find out?”

Seeing that confused yet determined look on Saihara’s face was always worth it. 

The game went on normally at first. But as the two of them got more and more pairs, and the draw pile slowly dwindled, Saihara finally realized what was wrong with the deck of cards.

“Ouma-kun,” Saihara said, “the king of hearts card is missing.”

_Plan successful._

“No, it’s right here!” Ouma insisted.

“Is it?” Saihara asked dubiously. “I don’t see it.”

Ouma snickered. “You’d have to look in a mirror to see it, silly.”

“What…?” Saihara furrowed his brows, confused. “I don’t--”

 _“You’re_ the king of my heart,” Ouma said quietly, suddenly feeling an embarrassing heat rising in his cheeks. 

Saihara nearly dropped his cards, eyes widening incredulously. “What?”

“AHaha, juuuuust kidding, that’s a lie!” Ouma grinned breezily. “Thanks for playing with me, Saihara-chan.” he set his cards down, gathering them together to put back in the pack. “This was fun!”

“Wait, stop--” Saihara grabbed onto Ouma’s wrist, halting him from his task. “I’m... just a detective, Ouma-kun,” Saihara said. “I’m not a king. I’m not someone to revere or bow down to…” he looked Ouma in the eye. “A-After all, how can I be a king when my most valuable treasure is no longer with me?”

Ouma’s throat felt dry. “Ha. Like what, gold or something?”

Saihara smiled softly. “No. My own heart.”

A twisted feeling spread in Ouma’s chest. “Oh… Is that so…”

Of course. Of _course_ Saihara’s heart was already set on someone. Why did he even bother?

Saihara smiled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Be proud of yourself, Ouma-kun. You’re a successful thief for managing to steal my heart so easily.”

Ouma blinked. “huh?”

Saihara blinked back, equally confused. “Do you not get it? It’s you. _You_ stole my heart.”

This was a dream. No way in hell did Saihara actually say that. Ouma was probably hallucinating or something--

Suddenly Ouma felt incredible pain on his face. “Ow ow ow, what are you doing--”

“I’M IN LOVE WITH _YOU,”_ Saihara was pinching both of Ouma’s cheeks in frustration. “I’ve been trying to get that through your head for the past six months!”

“It’s hard to believe,” Ouma admitted, rubbing at his sore cheeks. “I’m not the sort of person that people fall in love with.”

“Believe it,” Saihara said firmly. He paused. “Before you ask, no, that wasn’t a Naruto reference.”

“Well then, since I already stole your heart....” Ouma grinned. “Now I’m making it my mission to steal your whole life, too.”

“Murder?” Saihara immediately guessed.

Ouma smacked him upside the head. “Wrong,” he huffed, walking to his desk to grab a bottle of Panta from his secret stash. He opened the bottle and began to drink.

“I jest, I jest,” Saihara grinned, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. He continued softly. “You meant... marriage, right?” 

Ouma choked, spitting out the Panta.

A light blush dusted Saihara’s cheeks, but even so, his smile didn’t falter. “Consider that payback for making me sit through five chess games before you confessed.” 

Ouma sputtered. “Y-You--”

Saihara hurriedly brought over paper towels, wiping the desk and floor. “I’m just teasing you,” he said. “But honestly, putting marriage aside… I seriously want to try dating you for real, Ouma-kun. I...” he looked flustered. “I’ve liked you for a really long time now.” 

“Kokichi,” Ouma corrected, coughing the last bit of soda out. “If we’re boyfriends then you’ll have to call me ‘Kokichi, Great Supreme Overlord of My Heart and Soul’.”

Saihara quirked up a brow. “Can it be ‘Kokichi’ for short?”

“Hmm,” Ouma hummed, pretending to think very hard. “I suppose it’ll have to do for now.” He took off his scarf and made a face. “Ugh, my mouth feels all sticky and gross…”

“You can just put your scarf to wash when we go back,” Saihara said mildly. 

“I’m a morning shower kinda guy,” Ouma sighed. “This sucks.”

Saihara furrowed his brows. “I’ve heard your shower running in the evenings plenty of times before.”

“Reeeeeally?” Ouma feigned surprise. “Huh! You learn something new every day.” He changed face. “Well, anyway, I’ll have to find a way to get this off before I go to bed--”

Impulsively, Saihara leaned in and pecked Ouma on the lips.

“...You’re right,” he licked his lips as he pulled away, intentionally avoiding Ouma’s gaze. “Grape soda really is too sticky to handle...”

Ouma narrowed his eyes slyly, setting his scarf aside and bringing his arms up to wrap around Saihara’s neck. “Riiiight? It’s such a shame....” He leaned in to whisper into Saihara’s ear. “Will you help me clean it up, _Shuichi?”_

Saihara shivered. “Gross, your breath smells,” he giggled. He lowered his voice. “Of course I’ll help. That’s what boyfriends do, right?”

This time, they met each other in the middle.

It was slow and languid. Saihara opened his mouth to lick at Ouma’s bottom lip; the latter parted his lips. The dense taste of sugar and artificial grape flavoring permeated throughout the kiss as the two lazily melded their mouths together, taking all the time they wanted. 

It was a slow, gentle kiss, but even so, it was dizzying and full of heat.

(It was a lot better than their little rendezvous in the closet.)

Saihara caught sight of the clock on the wall and yanked away from Ouma in shock. “It’s super late,” he reasoned chidingly, carding his fingers through Ouma’s hair in apology as the other whined in lament of the loss of contact. “We’re… way past curfew…”

“Akamatsu-chan’s probably freaking out then,” Ouma grimaced. “It’s her job to check on us in our rooms, right…?”

“Shit,” Saihara swore under his breath. “We need to go--”

Ouma interrupted his boyfriend (boyfriend!!!!!!) by stealing another quick peck on the lips. “See you tomorrow?”

Saihara’s face, initially surprised, changed to show the most fond smile Ouma had ever seen from him. “Mm. See you then.”

 _I guess they were right…_ Ouma decided as he and Saihara made their way back to their dorm rooms. _Taking chances isn’t so bad after all._

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** HE’S ONLINE

 **pantakichi:** ehehe got involved in some sticky business ^p^ 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** was that a sex joke >:D

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** AH NVM THATS NOT IMPORTANT WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DUUUUDE

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** WHERE IS SHUICHI?? BOTH OF YOU HAVE BEEN GONE FOR AGES AND YOU WEREnt IN YOUR ROOMS WHEN I HAD TO DO A HEAD COUNT AT CURFEW I WA SGFUFCKFAEREAKING OUT

 **pantakichi:** oh no i made our class rep worry :( i’m sorry akamatsu

 **detective hooker taxi:** SORRY kaede i’m here

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ; - ; i was about to pass out from worry 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** at least you’re safe ig? go sleep and don’t be late for curfew next time

 **makill me:** kai was worried too. [knife emoji] warn us next time you go off to do random shit

 **pantakichi:** okayyyy 

**kirumaid:** I'm disappointed in you two for making Akamatsu worry so much. It's not good for her, especially considering how much she does for us. 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** thanks toujo [heart emoji] 

**kirumaid:** ah;b 

**kirumaid:** of course, Akamatsu. You work very hard for our sakes... 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** c: 

**pantakichi:** anyway shuichi and i are dating

 **detective hooker taxi:** GdlkhdfjglhshahsuGDSHGJHJ KOKICHI

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i’m too exhausted to react beyond that but CONGRATS GUYS IM SO PROUD OF YOU :”D

 **kirumaid:** Congratulations.

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** YEEEEEEAAAAAHH BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** imma go sleep then yeet 

**makill me:** glad that shit intervention worked for you grape fucker. good night

 **detective hooker taxi:** ? intervention? 

**pantakichi:** loooong story ;D tell ya later babe

 **detective hooker taxi:** ,,, babe?

 **pantakichi:** since i’m a thief & i successfully stole ur heart im also gonna steal kaito’s pet names

 **detective hooker taxi:** okay darling whatever you want

**Ouma Kokichi > Akamatsu Kaede**

**Kokichi:** heh es’ gonna gkigcuhsbhfh fkill me 

**Kokichi:** HE CALLE D ME DARLING….

 **Kaede:** JDfhkdH I CAN SEE THAT 

**Kaede:** but still aww!!! that’s so sweet c:

 **Kokichi:** thank you kaede!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Kaede:** no prob!! :’D

**Ouma Kokichi > Amami Rantaro**

**Kokichi:** HE CLACLCE DM EDARLING

 **Rantaro:** seeeeee i was right! 

**Rantaro:** i’m glad you took this chance c: 

**Kokichi:** thank you rantaro ; v ; 

**Rantaro:** anytime kichi

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**pantakichi:** wow!! shuichi you’re coming on really strong for someone who’s only been dating me for like twenty minutes!!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** you’ve been keeping count?

 **detective hooker taxi:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **pantakichi:** kaede shut

 **guactaro:** i’m glad it worked out ;)

 **kirumaid:** Would you all please go sleep? We have class tomorrow…

 **kaedid i fucking stuttter:** ah sorry toujo!!! 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** she’s right. everyone go sleep 

**kirumaid:** Thank you, Akamatsu :-)

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** no pro brb le m [thumbs up emoji] juust doing my job as class rep

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** googdnighttt everyone

 **kirumaid:** goodnight. c:

 **detective hooker taxi:** gnnnn

 **pantakichi:** night~~

 **guactaro:** gn

**Saihara Shuichi > Akamatsu Kaede**

**Shuichi:** smoooooooth

 **Kaede:** SKDHFJDSHLFD BE QUIET YOU TOOK FOREVER TO TELL OUMA TOO

 **Shuichi:** Yeah, but I actually finally told him in the end, didn’t I?

 **Kaede:** … shes like a queen..... queen of my soul.... shuichi i really like herrrrr

 **Shuichi:** 1\. she's not a queen. she's a maid. 2. shes also a teenager jjust like you. please calm down and go confess like a normal human being

 **Shuichi:** tho either way it’s kinda cute seeing you flustered around her lol

 **Kaede:** EASY FOR YOU TO SAY YOU N OUMA WERE SO OBVIOUSLY MUTUALLY PINING

 **Shuichi:** hhey. shut

 **Shuichi:** anyway good luck, kaede!! fight on (^^)9 

**Kaede:** hhhnhhjnhnjhnjdgnhnnhgnn n yea ht thanks shushi

**Amami Rantaro > Toujo Kirumi**

**Rantaro:** "I know what I'm doing, Amami-kun. I don't need advice with courting Akamatsu-san, Amami-kun. I don't intend to court her to begin with, Amami-kun."

 **Kirumi:** Don't mock me. People change.

 **Rantaro:** mhm? do tell? Miss "As A Maid I Will Not Change The Way I Do Things"

 **Rantaro:** I'll be honest, it's almost painful seeing your flirting only go to the extent of normal maid-like concern

 **Kirumi:** She's so bright and hardworking, of course I like her...

 **Rantaro:** SDKFLDSHLK??? THEN CONFESS? WHAT THE HELL

 **Kirumi:** I know you're a wanderer with little worldly attachments save for your family and cool jewelry, but a maid's duty is to her work. I cannot abandon it to pursue my own desires, such as relationships...

 **Rantaro:** okay, then forget the fact that you're a maid for a second. what about just plain Toujo Kirumi's duty? are you just gonna leave akamatsu hanging forever

 **Kirumi:** ...the way you said that sounded oddly like Shirogane. Have you been spending time with her..?

 **Rantaro:** ...no, not really. i guess it slipped since i talked to her recently. anyway don't change the subject do you intend to leave akamatsu hanging forever

 **Kirumi:** No. I'm not that cruel. I'm not the type to just leave some hopeless thread dangling in front of her...

 **Rantaro:** i can't force you to do anything, but... follow your heart, yeah? if you want to be with her, then you should go for it. taking chances is the only way progress can be made

 **Kirumi:** Spoken like a true adventurer, I suppose. I'll keep that in mind.

 **Kirumi:**...Thank you, Amami.

 **Rantaro:** they ought to rename me the Ultimate Matchmaker or Ultimate Relationship Advice Giver smh

 **Kirumi:** ghdsfjgahkdlsjf

 **Rantaro:** OMG

 **Rantaro:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREENSHOTTED

 **Kirumi:** I'll tell the others you doctored it. They won't ever believe you over me.

 **Rantaro:** NO!!!!!

 **Kirumi:** It's hard to stop myself from laughing... You can chill. No need to sound so desperate over a keysmash ^^ 

**Rantaro:** I'm glad you're able to smile then. Even if it's by laughing at my expense, ahaha ;; 

**Rantaro:** Goodnight, Toujo 

**Kirumi:** Goodnight, Amami. See you in class tomorrow.

**=**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it, saiouma have gotten together as well!!!!! kirumi texts like my mom, but that's okay, she's learning!! what's more important is that kirukae is on the rise :0c what could there be in store for them....
> 
> i hope this was a good read???? :? let me know ;;; i'm still feelin shaky on the mix between prose and chat aha
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated <3


	6. festival plans, girl crushes, and spooks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **kaedid i fucking stutter:** Here At Class 79-A, We Care About Our Classmates.
> 
>  **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** BULL 
> 
> **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** SHIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Culture festival plans + KiruKae + Maki's relationship woes and wows... let's see how this goes.
> 
> this wasn't actually originally going to be part of the fic, but it works with what i'd originally planned for a few future chapters, so i'm rolling with it!!
> 
> hope you guys like it!!

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** CULTURE FESTIVAL IS COMING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **bugs:** :D YAY!!!

 **god is watching:** NYAHAHAHA HOORAY

 **insert seesaw joke here:** as an anthropologist can i just say that i am internally EXPLODING with glee. i love people. i love culture. culture festival appreciation hours

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** yyou can’t. internally explode. that’s not a thing. you either implode or explode my guy

 **insert seesaw joke here:** die stem major

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** im mixed… i need knowledge of both stem and culture/languages/liberal arts for my talent… but ok….

 **jock lesbian:** degenerate males and their intellectualism. we stan physical activity only. jock girls unite

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** IM MIXED… I NEED BOTH ACADEMIC KNOWLEDGE AND ATHLETICISM FOR MY TALENT… BUT OK….

 **bugs:** kaito is Mixed??? hhuh gonta thought you were only japanese

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** AKHKFLDKSJFKDS

 **bugs:** what is so funny. did gonta say a joke?

 **pantakichi:** hKLHJFDSHLFJDSHKLF

 **fuck echizen:** deep sighs who taught gonta about memes without telling him they were memes

 **detective hooker taxi:** gonta,, no,

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** _@everyone_ EVERYONE SHUT

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** what ideas do yall have for our class’s culture festival booth!!!!

 **tsu53:** hmmm

 **anti robophobia activist:** ho don’t do it

 **tsu53:** what about a maid cafe? like the cliche types in anime

 **guactaro:** oh my goddddd

 **anti robophobia activist:** sighs

 **tsu53:** kii i’m gonna kill you for calling me a ho

 **anti robophobia activist:** i guess my girlfriend’s foul mouth is rubbing off on me <3

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** awwww <3 both literally and metaphorically! 

**tsu53:** [hurling noises]

 **makill me:** this is a no flirting zone. get out

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** eh i think it’s kinda cute

 **makill me:** i. i guess. h

 **detective hooker taxi:** [coughs] whipped

 **makill me:** Did you say something Shuichi Saihara, Ultimate Detective, originally from the Yayoi district in Bunkyo Ward in Tokyo Prefecture, lives with his uncle Shuhei Saihara and aunt Sonomi Saihara when school is out in a third floor two-bedroom apartment in a building across from a Family Mart and a local bookstore both joint-owned by the REDACTED and REDACTED families, has three cell phones all by Softbank of which the phone numbers are 080-XXXX-XXXX (personal use), 070-YYYY-YYYY (detective use), and 090-ZZZZ-ZZZZ (emergency use)?

 **detective hooker taxi:** holy fucking shit 

**detective hooker taxi:** cool im scared now!!!

 **pantakichi:** maki what the hell. are you trying to assassinate my boyfriend 

**detective hooker taxi:** :’( yeah i thought we were friends… doxxing is bad…

 **pantakichi:** rude!! that’s my job!! >:p

 **detective hooker taxi:** HHHUH 

**detective hooker taxi:** ; - ; did i do something…

 **pantakichi:** NO nono babe it’s a lie

 **pantakichi:** i love you i couldn’t ever kill you

 **detective hooker taxi:** <33 i love you too

 **kirumaid:** This entire chat is filled with disasters. All of you, be quiet and please listen to Akamatsu.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** THANK YOU KIRUMI

**Toujo Kirumi > Amami Rantaro**

**Kirumi:** A 

**Rantaro:** first name syndrome huh.

 **Kirumi:** asdfghjkl ,,,, need time to recover,,

 **Rantaro:** [pats u awkwardly] there there… 

**Akamatsu Kaede > Saihara Shuichi**

**Kaede:** s TO P FLIRTING WITH YOUR BOYFRINDF ON MAIND DSsk bdksfSK I CALLED HER KIRUMI….

 **Shuichi:** hm. gay

 **Kaede:** SHUSCHI >:C

 **Shuichi:** there’s really nothing I can do, kaede ;; it’s up to one of you to make a move

 **Kaede:** ahgjkdhfklkasd i help saiouma become real by going to an intervention and what do i get? scraps

 **Shuichi:** HEY that was all kaito! i wasn’t in on that

 **Kaede:** [crying cat meme]

 **Shuichi:** kaede……..

 **Kaede:** bi clown solidarity, shuichi. bi clown solidarity

 **Shuichi:** ? kokichi’s gay though?

 **Kaede:** FHDSLKFHDSJKFL BOYYY I MEAN YOU

 **Shuichi:** ohhhhh

 **Shuichi:** hmm idk since i’m actually dating my crush idt i’m the clown here ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Kaede:** the DISRESPECT… i WILL remember this

 **Shuichi:** yeah love you too. go get her ^^

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kirumaid:** At any rate, Shirogane… I am disappointed that you’ve suggested something so frivolous. 

**kirumaid:** Maid work is serious business. To do a maid cafe during a school event may seem fun at first glance, but it is harmful to the image of authentic maids who are more than sexualized waitresses or mother-like figures. 

**kirumaid:** I refuse to participate in this farce upon your suggestion as it would wholly desecrate the name of my career with flippant otakuism.

 **tsu53:** eeeep sorry

 **pantakichi:** o shit she went off

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** she’s right though! her career means more than that. thanks for speaking up, kirumi

 **kirumaid:** I was only defending my work.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** that in itself is admirable in its own way!! C: 

**Toujo Kirumi > Amami Rantaro**

**Kirumi:** I think I will ask her out after all. Perhaps during the festival itself, if I have time...

 **Rantaro:** :O !! REALLY?

 **Kirumi:** this is more out of caution for my health in the future

 **Rantaro:** ?

 **Kirumi:** if i allow her to continue being so cute and admirable without letting her know i like her then i will surely end up getting sick 

**Rantaro:** DSKLfDSKFJKLDSL

 **Kirumi:** lovesickness isn’t technically a real ailment, but……

 **Rantaro:** I support you!!! Good luck!

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**insert seesaw joke here:** what about a trivia game corner? like we just ask people riddles or trivia questions or have them solve puzzles and that’s it

 **guactaro:** ooooOOO sounds interestin i like it

 **detective hooker taxi:** me too… i love puzzles

 **god is watching:** ^ sort of same idea but we let people paint their own stuff instead. art corner!!

 **bugs:** sounds nice! :D gonta would suggest another insect meet and greet but the last one went bad, so…

 **god is watching:** not to worry, gonta. even if lots of people think bugs are scary, god loves bugs. he created them with care

 **bugs:** god is very nice for making so many of gonta’s friends :D

 **god is watching:** he sure is!

 **fuck echizen:** not to interrupt your sermon angie, but hear me out: cat cafe

 **detective hooker taxi:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pls 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** mm i don’t think we have permits for animals

 **fuck echizen:** what thehell

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i mean tanaka-senpai does for all HIS animals since that’s part of his breeding talent. and gonta does for his bugs. but since none of us have talents related to cats or cat training idt we can do that ;; hope’s peak is a bit strict when it comes to that sort of thing

 **fuck echizen:** i hate this school

 **tsu53:** boy do i know some teens who’d agree with that

 **jock lesbian:** what about a dunk tank. but like, with degenerate males being the only ones getting dunked as girls consistently throw stellar shots

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** hell no

 **jock lesbian:** tchh i was only 47% joking

 **pantakichi:** what about the other 53 percent...

 **magic lesbian:** magic show! magic show!!!!

 **jock lesbian:** ^ that’s the actual idea i agree with

 **fuck echizen:** NO. did you forget about the Great Piranha Incident already?

 **guactaro:** the what now????

 **tsu53:** ah this happened while you were on leave to go adventuring/looking for your sisters so you weren’t there for it

 **guactaro:** huh ok

 **fuck echizen:** yeah tl;dr yumeno was doing a trick involving a tank full of piranhas and the tank broke and the fucking fish ate my hat

 **guactaro:** SDHKLFJLDSF????

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i wasn’t there either but that’s hilario suhdjfhadskfjdsj

 **kirumaid:** That more or less ended up being my fault due to my setup of the performance… My apologies.

 **magic lesbian:** it’s okay kirumi!!!

 **fuck echizen:** ahhhh don’t worry about it toujo

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** aww i’m sure it’s alright! that was a while ago, anyway

 **anti robophobia activist:** so the ideas we have so far are still just puzzle corner and art corner… any other ideas?

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** bondage corner?

 **anti robophobia activist:** DO YOU WANT US TO GET SUSPENDED

 **kirumaid:** I would suggest a normal cafe or street food stall in which we provide a few popular items, but the prepwork is a bit much to undertake with the little time we have before the festival date.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** mm true

 **makill me:** ...haunted house

 **tsu53:** ooo that’s a good idea! cliche and anime-esque but still fun for everyone!

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** nnnNO

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** HHARUMKAKI EPAESEL NO :(((

 **detective hooker taxi:** sorry kaito but ;; i actually think it could be interesting

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** SIDEKCIHK RIGHTS REVOKEVKDD

 **detective hooker taxi:** :’( but it really could be interesting!!! think about it. what if we up the ante by making people solve simple puzzles while they’re in there? 

**insert seesaw joke here:** like, they have to solve fast or else they’ll get jumpscared? that sounds cool

 **guactaro:** it sounds super fun when you put it like that

 **god is watching:** i can create super creepy art for you guys with god’s help! nice!!!

 **bugs:** :D good idea, harukawa and angie!

 **pantakichi:** i can put my pranks to use AND people won’t have the right to be mad? count me in

 **magic lesbian:** gives me an excuse to cling to tenko soooo <3

 **jock lesbian:** HHHHH <3333 SAME… ALRIGHT IM SUPPORTING THIS

**Harukawa Maki > Yumeno Himiko**

**Maki:** funny you mentioned clinging onto tenko… i only suggested a haunted house bc i want kai to cling onto me ;;;

 **Himiko:** LMAO?? why

 **Maki:** nnnn he never goes further than holding my hand… for someone so into manliness and skinship and back-slapping Bro stuff he’s almost prudish when it comes to touching me… 

**Maki:** i’m still too embarrassed to just ask him to hug me or cuddle me outright so here i am. haunted house

 **Himiko:** awww that’s really cute of you maki

 **Himiko:** i can use my magic to make him more lovey dovey if you want? :3c

 **Maki:** your sugar cookies aren’t necessary. they do taste good tho

 **Himiko:** aw boo >:p

 **Maki:** i know he gets super super freaked by paranormal stuff… and i don’t want to upset him, but i don’t see how else i can get him to. yknow… 

**Himiko:** if you want advice, i’d say just communicate. tenko would probably say the same if you ask her

 **Himiko:** tell him what you want and you can both work it out!! i’m sure he’s probably just as nervous n unsure about how far he should go. scaring him into it might make him sad, so just talk to him. you both like (love?) each other, so keep each other’s thoughts in mind

 **Maki:** I’ll… keep that in mind

 **Himiko:** ehehe my magical advice can do no wrong

 **Maki:** thanks, himiko

 **Himiko:** anytime~ 

**Himiko:** huh the way things look on main tho i think we probably are gonna end up doing a haunted house 

**Maki:** oooooof

 **Himiko:** maybe you can [eyes emoji] get some ~practice~ in [eyes emoji]

 **Maki:** do you wanna die

 **Himiko:** no i want you to have a healthy cute relationship 

**Maki:** …you’re weird but you’re a good friend

 **Himiko:** uwu

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** COOL HAUNTED HOUSE IT IS

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** HYYGAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** momota since this scares you!! you can be in charge of the tickets and such outside the door during the festival

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** Here At Class 79-A, We Care About Our Classmates.

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** BULL 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** SHIT

 **makill me:** kaiiii please? <3 i’ve never done culture festivals before, so i’d like to try it out

 **insert seesaw joke here:** and here we see miss assassin harukawa attempting to be coy with her boyfriend despite previously being recorded saying that this chat was a no flirting zone. everyone, hold your breaths. this is a first in human history, and we must not disturb the delicacy of this moment.

 **makill me:** shingucji i’m going to tear out your nerves if you narrate my life agian 

**insert seesaw joke here:** HEY nerve tearing is MY threat 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghghghhhh harumaki,,,, ,ccute,, 

**jock lesbian:** god your girlfriend is so cute momota. i cry

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** :p back off she’s MINE

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** i won’t let you steal my girl!

 **jock lesbian:** lmaooo wouldn’t dream of it himiko’s better anyway~

**Harukawa Maki > Yumeno Himiko**

**Maki:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Himiko:** DSHKLFHJDSLFHKDSHKHKLFKDSKFJDSKLFLDSHKFS

 **Maki:** [screenshot]

 **Himiko:** MAKI HE LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT ON MAINfkDLHFDLKSFL WHY AREYOU SCREENSHOTTING IT

 **Maki:** immimmngghhhhhfjgjjfkjdf he’s too perfect , ,, ,whathehefufck

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**detective hooker taxi:** so it looks like we’ve decided.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i’ll fill out the forms and send it in! Class 79-A is officially doing a haunted house!!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** it’ll feature angie’s art and include puzzles and riddles and such that people have to solve within a set amount of time, or else they’ll get jumpscared!

 **god is watching:** yeet

 **god is watching:** _@magic lesbian @jock lesbian_ do help me out with painting if you can!!!

 **magic lesbian:** i will!!!

 **jock lesbian:** count me in too <3

 **insert seesaw joke here:** cool _@detective hooker taxi @guactaro_ and i can come up with puzzles

 **guactaro:** can’t waitttt

 **detective hooker taxi:** ya i will

 **pantakichi:** i’ll help. and by help i mean i’ll make sure to point out how easy all of your riddles are and how they ought to be harder

 **detective hooker taxi:** th. thanks

 **pantakichi:** anything for the detective of my heart~

 **tsu53:** oooh i can make scary outfits!!!! 

**kirumaid:** I can help with that ^ and more

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK: __** _@anti robophobia activist_ n i can handle animatronics n other jumpscary tech shit

 **anti robophobia activist:** !! yes, i’d love to!!!! there are a few i’ve been working on that i’d like to try out

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** idt i can do anything to help produce something scary and ghosty sorry gang

 **makill me:** you can bring us snacks n drinks while we’re working. i can help so you’re not lonely

 **bugs:** gonta will support everyone!!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** :’) i love this class we work together so well

 **fuck echizen:** i’ll support everyone with gonta then

 **fuck echizen:** rest in pieces the cat cafe of my dreams

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** oh hoshi i heard the third years (77-B) are doing an animal petting zoo if you’re up for it

 **fuck echizen:** !!!!!!!! nice i’ll text tanaka senpai about it

 **detective hooker taxi:** something tells me that That Class doing an animal petting zoo will end up badly somehow... 

**pantakichi:** i was thinking the same… because of... yknow… 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ehhh don’t be buzzkills… he probably won’t be able to fuck this up

 **detective hooker taxi:** isn’t it pretty telling how you knew who we were talking about even without being given a name though? 

**pantakichi:** not to mention apparently he blew up the school gym last year??? i remember seeing that shit on prime time news hours lmao 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** forget that. whether komaeda senpai does or does not end up somehow fucking over this festival is out of our hands. believe in our OWN hope and in our OWN efforts for our stand 

**anti robophobia activist:** ^^^^ 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** back on track: because hope’s peak academy is wack and also hates us, we have one (1) week to prepare

 **kirumaid:** Not a problem. With my talent, I will help everyone make it with time to spare.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** THANK YOU KIRUMI!!! <3333 LOVE

**Saihara Shuichi > Akamatsu Kaede**

**Shuichi:** i’m texting you first before you send me a keysmash

 **Kaede:** KDSfhljGSDLHLFKLHLDSKFKHLLKDSSFJLSKFDHFHD I REALLY DID THAT

 **Shuichi:** see? beat you to it

 **Kaede:** do you think she’ll get the hint…

 **Shuichi:** i dunno… maybe you’ll have to flirt during the prep week and the actual festival?

 **Kaede:** what. do you mean like. a festival date?

 **Shuichi:** invite her maybe [eyes emoji] 

**Kaede:** maybeeee [eyes emoji]

**Akamatsu Kaede > Toujo Kirumi**

**Kaede:** Kirumi!! Hi.

 **Kirumi:** Hello, Akamatsu

 **Kaede:** I was sort of wondering

 **Kaede:** after prep week if we have time during the festival, do you wanna go around and explore everyone’s booths with me?

 **Kaede:** um just the two. of us

 **Kirumi:** oh!

 **Kirumi:** What a coincidence. I was about to ask you the same.

 **Kirumi:** I’d love to, Akamatsu. Festivals aare for having fun, after all

 **Kaede:** C: great!!

**Toujo Kirumi > Amami Rantaro**

**Kirumi:** i’m in a good mood so you get a heads up

 **Rantaro:** huh?

 **Kirumi:** 3

 **Rantaro:** what

 **Kirumi:** 2

 **Rantaro:** ttoujo whats going on

 **Kirumi:** 1

 **Kirumi:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHJKDSHLJFJlkDHKSLJF

 **Rantaro:** DSFKLDSHFHKLDSFJ LKWHAT?????? WHAT IS HITHSI

 **Kirumi:** SHE ASKED ME… ON WHAT I BELIEVE THEY CALL A “SCHOOL FESTIVAL DATE”... I WAS GOING TO ASK HER BUT SHE BEAT ME TO IT

 **Rantaro:** :O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S AWESOME AW

 **Kirumi:** I’ll have to prepare for both the festival and this outing of ours. She said it would be just the two of us, but I hope I’m not being presumptuous by assuming it is a date-like scenario…

 **Rantaro:** nahh you’re probably right. akamatsu’s nice but she’s not usually THAT forward 

**Rantaro:** have fun~

 **Kirumi:** thank you [sneeze emoji]

 **Kirumi:** We’ll see how things play out soon.

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the festival itself! How will Kirumi and Kaede's date go...? And will Komaeda _actually_ end up fucking things over...? Look forward to it ;)
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated


	7. festival dates, komaeda chaos, and drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **guactaro:** hi hello am i just meant to comprehend the fact that someone let THREE LLAMAS and a BEAR loose in our fucking school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we interrupt this shoujo blither to bring you cultural festival pandemonium, sponsored by komaeda and another mystery person.
> 
> i seriously apologize for the long wait for this chapter!!!! ; - ; this week was incredibly hectic for me and i had a lot of emotional ups and downs. a bout with depression and other.... potentially triggering mental health stuff, for lack of better words. but i'm feeling better now!! (^^)9 
> 
> and now I bring you this rather lengthy culture festival chapter. beware, for this is only the beginning!

**Akamatsu Kaede > Toujo Kirumi**

**Kaede:** It’s almost 9 AM

 **Kaede:** technically speaking, neither of us have to constantly stay at the haunted house

 **Kaede:** and i sorta ;;; used my class rep powers to make our shifts the same for when we do have to be there

 **Kirumi:** In that case, would you be alright with 10 to 12? I’ll have to get out of my ghost makeup, so if you would meet me in front of the bathroom

 **Kaede:** !!!! yes! that works

 **Kirumi:** alright c: I’ll see you then

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** school officials are opening the gates in about 5 min!

 **guactaro:** i’ll be real i still think it’s super weird how hopes peak only has their festival from 9 am to 2 pm instead of until like 5 in the evening like everywhere else

 **detective hooker taxi:** eh yeah i guess elite schools can afford to be picky like tthat 

**fuck echizen:** im still surprised gonta n i actually found stuff to help with lmao. puzzlemaster hoshi at your service from 10-11 am i guess

 **fuck echizen:** i’m gonna be at 77-B’s animal petting zoo thing the entire rest of the day. petting all the cats gundam brings… just imagining it makes me feel content

**bugs:** gonta will do his best to be scary!! :D but he will not hurt anyone

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** I just wanna say… I’m really proud of you guys. You all worked so hard and in the end actually managed to make an amazing haunted house within just a week. Awesome work! :’D

 **detective hooker taxi:** aw kaede you worked just as hard

 **kirumaid:** Saihara is right. We all worked hard together.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** awww <3

 **pantakichi:** anyway LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED BABYYYYYYYYY

 **insert seesaw joke here:** hopefully i can scare people well ;;

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** oh dw dude you scared the shit out of me during the practice run

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** im still vaguely traumatized...

 **insert seesaw joke here:** thanks………...??

 **detective hooker taxi:** i hope our puzzles aren’t too hard

 **guactaro:** i think it’s alright! oumas clowning actually helped determine the order we put them in

 **pantakichi:** nishishiii that’s right! credit me for my brilliance!!!!!!!!1!!

 **makill me:** ascending by difficulty right

 **guactaro:** ya

 **makill me:** noted

 **pantakichi:** dont ignore meeeeee

 **magic lesbian:** nyehh i don’t think people are scared of witches these days

 **jock lesbian:** im sure you’ll be terrifying himiko!!!!! i support u c:<

 **magic lesbian:** aw ilu2 tenko c:

 **jock lesbian:** on another note angie’s art is really amazing!! it seriously sells the creepy vibes

 **god is watching:** all thanks to god~ nyahaha

 **jock lesbian:** r. right

 **anti robophobia activist:** now is the time... i will put my frankenstein-ing abilities to the test

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** FUCK YEAH my SEXY mad scientist outfit is bound to SCARE THE SHIT out of everyone

 **anti robophobia activist:** (It’s not even sexy it’s just a normal scientist outfit)

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** STILL it’s awesome

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** _@tsu53_ thanks!!!

 **detective hooker taxi:** yeah actually we owe a lot to her

 **detective hooker taxi:** 16 different outfits within one week must’ve been a lot of work…

 **makill me:** ? she’s not online

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i don’t see her in person either? now i’m a little worried

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** oh nm she’s here

=

The festival was going surprisingly well.

Hope’s Peak was purely for students with ultimate talents, and there were only two different classrooms per year-- six classrooms total, meaning six different booths. There wasn’t much to explore, but because it was Hope’s Peak, a ton of people showed up every year.

Akamatsu Kaede mentally rifled through what every class was doing. 77-A was doing a takoyaki stand. 77-B was doing an animal petting zoo. 78-A was doing a school play about a murder mystery, 78-B was doing a maid cafe, and 79-B was doing an arts and crafts crafts center. 

Toujo already said she didn’t like the idea of maid cafes, so she’d avoid that for the duration of their date. The play and the arts and crafts centers seemed fun, though-- and the takoyaki stand would be a nice visit for a snack.

She took a cursory glance at the happenings around her as she bounced on her heels, anxiously waiting for Toujo outside the girls’ bathroom. The decorations were lively and heartfelt. The crowds were pretty huge this year, too. 

Akamatsu was startled out of her thoughts by Toujo walking out of the bathroom. “Shall we go?” she smiled, motioning towards the end of the hallway.

 _Oh my god you’re so pretty,_ Akamatsu wanted to say.

“Auhwha,” Akamatsu actually said.

Toujo hid a giggle behind her hand. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Akamatsu nodded soundlessly, flushing crimson. _Get a grip on yourself, Kaede!_

=

**Harukawa Maki > Akamatsu Kaede**

**Maki:** Saihara can’t use his phone rn so keeps bugging me to ask you how your little “date” is going

 **Maki:** and then Angie and Ouma got in on it and also started bugging me

 **Maki:** so how’s it going

 **Kaede:** augriprpqhoqeithohksfdjskldfflkds she,,, girl pretty,

 **Maki:** wonderful

 **Kaede:** we visited the murder mystery play and left in the middle while naegi senpai was screaming “sore wa chigau yo!” in a class trial @ celes senpai just bc we wanted to see some other stuff

 **Kaede:** a n d s h e h e l d m y h a n d.

 **Kaede:** rn we’re taking a break next to 77-A’s takoyaki stand. matsuda senpai gave us water

 **Maki:** oooooh

 **Maki:** pretty gay. good for you

 **Kaede:** did you ever end up getting skinship with momota

 **Maki:** and who the fuck told you about that

 **Kaede:** i overheard himiko chatting with tenko about it a few days ago ehe ^^

 **Maki:** ...for the record we did

 **Maki:** we talked a bit about it in the few days leading up to the festival so ;; that’s happening more often 

**Kaede:** :’D im happy for u

 **Maki:** enough about me get off your damn phone and talk to toujo

 **Kaede:** roger that!!!

 **Maki:** good luck

=

Their “date” was relatively normal after that. They explored most of the booths side by side, holding hands as they flitted about the school.

In truth, it ended way too quickly for either of their liking. It had hardly felt like anything had begun, and they were already making their way back to their haunted house booth.

“Since our shifts are about to start again…” Akamatsu started, “Did you have fun, Kirumi?”

Toujo paused, a bit flustered. It was always amazing, in her opinion, how Akamatsu Kaede managed to be so friendly and kind and cheerful. Though a little different from her own professionalism, that method of interacting with others was still just as much of a useful skill. Being able to interact with others at a casual level, away from the constraints of her job and her talent… Toujo admired Akamatsu for it.

“Yes, I’ve been having fun,” she responded honestly, moving a hand to fidget with her hair. “I… I love spending time with you, K-Ka-- Akamatsu-san.”

 _Damn it._ Even now, Toujo was finding it hard to fully express just how much she liked Akamatsu. 

Akamatsu laughed joyously, evidently pleased in some way by Toujo’s answer. “Good! I’m glad.” She moved a strand of her own hair behind her ear, peering up at Toujo somewhat shyly. “And for the record… I love spending time with you, too.”

 _She’s going to kill me,_ Toujo thought, head spinning in the clouds. _Akamatsu Kaede is beautiful and kind and pretty and hardworking and cheerful and all of that is going to kill me._

Akamatsu glanced at the clock in the hallway. “We should get back to our posts soon. I need to get my makeup done for the afternoon round, I’m supposed to be a banshee.” 

“I can help you when we reach there,” Toujo offered. “We’re only a floor below our classroom; it shouldn’t be too much trouble.”

Akamatsu looked back at Toujo, a radiant smile gracing her face. “Thanks! Please do.” She beamed, looking like the epitome of springtime. “This was probably the most fun two hours I’ve ever had this whole school year, Kirumi. We should go out again sometime.” And then she turned around, walking towards the stairs.

It was now or never, Toujo decided. If there was one thing Amami had the correct ideas about, it was that she shouldn’t have been thinking about every aspect of her life from the perspective of her maid work. 

Right now, she was Toujo Kirumi, a normal high school student, and she wanted to confess to the girl she loved.

She reached out and grasped Akamatsu by the wrist, holding her back. “Akamatsu-san, please wait. Actually, I have something to tell--”

“THERE’S A STAMPEDE!” a nearby visitor on the stairs screamed, piercingly loud. “A STAMPEDE! EVERYBODY RUN!”

“What?” Akamatsu whirled around, incredulous. Toujo released her grip on Akamatsu’s wrist.

“I’M SORRY, EVERYONE,” a familiar-looking senpai screeched, desperately clutching onto the fur of some sort of deranged alpaca-like creature with ‘ **#2’** shaved on either side. “MY LUCK JUST SORTA WENT OUT OF CONTROL, SO A FEW ANIMALS FROM OUR PETTING ZOO ESCAPED AND NOW THEY’RE ALL OVER CAMPUS--”

“Komaeda-senpai?!” Akamatsu yelped. She went ignored; the screams of both Komaeda and the festival’s visitors far outweighed her own cry.

“THREE LLAMAS AND A BEAR?!” another visitor shrieked; more pandemonium struck the guests as they began wildly running about.

Whatever was going on, Toujo couldn’t wait. As soon as she heard “animals” and “escaped”, she grabbed Akamatsu again by the waist and yanked her into the nearest classroom, slamming the door shut behind them and sinking to the floor.

Toujo panted, let out a heavy breath. “There,” she heaved, “we should be safe from the escaped petting zoo creatures for now…”

Too late, Toujo realized exactly what position she and Akamatsu were in.

=

 _Holy shit,_ Akamatsu thought dizzily.

It had all happened too fast-- Komaeda riding a llama, announcing escaped zoo animals, the guests stampeding out, Toujo grabbing her out of nowhere and yanking her into an empty classroom--

\--and now here she was, half-sitting in Toujo’s lap, with Toujo protectively holding Akamatsu’s head against her chest.

“K-Kirumi?” Akamatsu’s throat felt incredibly dry all of a sudden. She didn’t dare move. 

It seemed like Toujo was also having similar thoughts, because she inhaled sharply when Akamatsu broke the silence. “A-Ah, I-- my apologies…”

“N-No, it’s fine…” Akamatsu insisted, feeling more and more flustered by the second. “I just…” 

_This position is tender and bold and sorta sexy and it’s making me nervous._

_I really really like you and this is a lot more intimate than what I expected for a first date._

_I can hear your heartbeat with the way my head is pressed against your chest, and its tempo is just as fast as mine._

There was no way Akamatsu could say any of that out loud, right...?

She swallowed thickly. “I…”

Akamatsu’s face burned positively crimson. She couldn’t see Toujo at the moment, but hopefully Toujo was in a similar state, or else this would just be _embarrassing._

“No,” Toujo interrupted, gently letting go of her hold on Akamatsu’s head. Akamatsu peered up, confused. The loss of contact was actually… disappointing. “I should apologize for grabbing you so suddenly. The instant I saw what was going on, I foresaw chaos following soon after, so I moved without thinking…” Toujo took a deep breath. “If you don’t want this, then I’m sorry. I took those actions because I wanted to protect you.”

Akamatsu shook her head, messy golden hair swaying in tandem with her. “There’s no need to apologize for wanting to protect me.” She laughed all of a sudden. “I guess I should get off now, huh? Sorry for staying on you so long… Even though I do like this, I shouldn’t have put that much weight on you--”

“What if I said that I want you to stay?” Toujo asked. Akamatsu froze.

“Eh?”

=

“I…” Toujo bit her lip. “If I’m being honest, I… I don’t actually want you to get up and leave. I liked this date… even if it’s ending in an unconventional way like this.”

Akamatsu flushed again, remaining as she was. “Really?” she whispered.

Toujo nodded, equally red-faced. “I was trying to tell you earlier… The truth is, I…” she grimaced, burying her face in her hands. “I apologize, give me a moment, I-- this is embarrassing me, I need a bit more time to process--”

Akamatsu slumped back down, resting her head on Toujo’s chest again. “Take as much time as you need,” she sighed contentedly. She peered up at Toujo again through her thick, blonde lashes. “I’ll be here. I’ll _always_ be here, by your side. You said you were sorry, Kirumi, but… you don’t have to be, because I want it too.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Everything suddenly felt crystal-clear. 

Toujo placed a hand on Akamatsu’s head again, stroking her hair. They sat quietly, contemplating, and Akamatsu sank further into Toujo’s touch, gently clinging to Toujo’s uniform jacket with slender, piano-worn fingers.

All the while, Toujo mentally practiced the words she wanted to say, until finally:

“...Kaede,” Toujo said. Akamatsu froze.

“Kirumi?” she squeaked.

“Kaede,” Toujo repeated. “Kaede, Kaede, Kaede, Kaede, Kaede--”

“What?!” Akamatsu sat up, flushed. “What is it?”

Toujo giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. “What I wanted to say is… I love you, Kaede. Will you be my girlfriend?”

=

Many things were going on in Akamatsu’s mind at that moment, one of them being _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER._

She managed to compose herself enough to not scream like a maniac despite her mental excitement, however, and instead blurted: “YESI’DLOVETOCANIKISSYOU?”

A small part of her felt internally horrified by how suddenly she’d jumped from asking out to kissing, but the majority of her was just focused on keeping her wildly pounding heart out of her throat as she waited for Toujo’s answer.

Toujo responded by caressing Akamatsu’s cheek with one hand, holding her steady by the waist with her other hand, and leaning in.

(Her lips were soft and hesitant, barely brushing over Akamatsu’s, but the touch was still electrifying all the same.)

The two girls pulled apart, looked at each other, and then dissolved into a fit of giggles.

“What _was_ that?” Toujo covered her face, barely hiding her grin.

“Don’t ask me!” Akamatsu laughed, close to tears as she clutched Toujo’s uniform.

It was perfect, in its own way.

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**guactaro:** hi hello am i just meant to comprehend the fact that someone let THREE LLAMAS and a BEAR loose in our fucking school

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** HUH???WHO THE FUCK LETS THREE LLAMAS AND A BEAR LOOSE IN A HIGH SCHOOL

 **anti robophobia activist:** allegedly komaeda senpai. accidentally, of course

 **kirumaid:** I heard there was a time when he blew up the school gym? How has he not been expelled

 **guactaro:** ah yeah i remember that

 **guactaro:** i only remember bc i was all the way in okinawa and even over there it was on the news sdfhasdklfdfsdhlk

 **detective hooker taxi:** IM SORRY WHAT???

 **detective hooker taxi:** OK. AHAHA. OK

 **pantakichi:** shuichi fuckign snapped mark me down as horny AND terrified

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** IM LIKE THISCLOSE TO GOING APESHIT…. HELLO WHAT

 **anti robophobia activist:** big mood

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** OKAY DONT PANIC

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ALL THE UPPERCLASSMEN ARE JUST GOING ABOUT BUSINESS AS USUAL SO IM SURE ITS FINE? THOUGH THE GUESTS ARE STAMPEDING OUT THE DOOR AND KIRUMI N I ARE HIDING IN A CLASSROOM

 **pantakichi:** [eyes emoji]

 **god is watching:** [eyes emoji]

 **detective hooker taxi:** EVERY SENPAI IN THIS SCHOOL IS CANCELLED THEN!!!!!!! THEYRE FREAKS

 **detective hooker taxi:** oh but on a different note [eyes emoji]

 **kirumaid:** Yes, we are dating. Please put away those eyes.

 **detective hooker taxi:** !!!!! CONGRATS :D

 **kirumaid:** c: thank you

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** thanks :>

 **fuck echizen:** congrats + allegedly three years ago the then-Ultimate Lucky Student’s class was doing a school play and they ended up accidentally causing three ww2 era chandeliers to fall and break on the guests

 **detective hooker taxi:** where did they get ww2 era chandeliers hoshi kun. fuckign shouwa era chandeliers???? this school did all their major renovations ten years ago shut the hell

 **fuck echizen:** i’m not your sour grape boyfriend saihara i don’t lie about dumbass shit to entertain myself

 **pantakichi:** pbbbbfhfpthpt >:p

 **fuck echizen:** anywho… nobody was seriously injured or dead from the chandeliers. but then somehow due to that person’s luck right after that an asteroid hit the school’s ongoing building project and plunged it in debt so the project got cancelled 

**fuck echizen:** “the hope project” or smth like that? idk. they were gonna have some “reserve course building” but the asteroid wrecked all their progress so they scrapped it

 **insert seesaw joke here:** oh didn’t some famous teen fashionista or model or w/e die from the asteroid? she was being considered for entry at some point in the future even though she was just a visiting middle schooler too so it was in the news 

**guactaro:** ooh i vaguely remember smth like that. what was her name?

 **bugs:** gonta can’t seem to recall… it was eno-something… enojima? enoshita?

 **tsu53:** ...maybe we dodged a bullet or several with that one

 **pantakichi:** okay according to celes senpai. last year the third years did a cafe, except thanks to komaeda’s luck 

**detective hooker taxi:** lemme guess. all their bread expired a week beforehand and they didn’t realize so everyone ended up getting food poisoning

 **pantakichi:** oh no the food was fine! it’s just that one of souda senpai’s pet project godzilla robots went haywire because komaeda accidentally tripped and spilled a pot of tea all over it 

**pantakichi:** and along with the tea, the way he tripped was in such a position that it flipped the switch from “good” to “evil” so the robot started attacking the guests

 **detective hooker taxi:** why am i even surprised anymomre. why do i even react to things

 **anti robophobia activist:** souda senpai was really stupid enough to put a literal “evil” switch under his robot huh. the robophobia of it all

 **detective hooker taxi:** but ig that explains why they stopped doing the whole lucky student thing 

**anti robophobia activist:** yeah ;;

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** LLAMA #1 ALMOST CRUSHED ME UNDER ITS HOOVES I WANNA CRY

 **fuck echizen:** her name is yumi-chan you fucking asshole. treat gundam’s pets with respect

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT MAN I WAS ALMOST CRUSHED 

**makill me:** the llama ended up ripping kai’s jacket sleeve clean off… the sleeve was sticking out of its mouth & it was chewing on it… i almost wanted to assassinate the thing

 **bugs:** D: nooooo! don’t be mean to the animals maki

 **makill me:** i didn’t do anything to it in the end, relax

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** it took like two minutes to talk you out of it + hopefully shirogane can make a replacement jacket ;;; shit was expensive

 **pantakichi:** all jokes aside i like. legitimately got crushed by llama #3. like trampled

 **detective hooker taxi:** ??!?!?!??!? KOKICHI??????

 **pantakichi:** i am in extreme pain. lmao

 **god is watching:** #3 is rumi-chan! god and ryoma told me so

 **fuck echizen:** ya ur right

 **pantakichi:** HAAAA it’s a lie

 **detective hooker taxi:** go to the nurse’s office i’m omw there

 **pantakichi:** ;; mmh my ribs hurt too much to move on my own

 **detective hooker taxi:** fine then im omw to sakura senpai and i’ll have her carry you there 

**pantakichi:** thats embarrassing but alright thx

**Ouma Kokichi > Saihara Shuichi**

**Kokichi:** i didn’t Actually get trampled yknow

 **Shuichi:** okay but knowing you the llama still probably hurt you some other way right

 **Kokichi:** no, it didn’t

 **Shuichi:** ko…

 **Kokichi:** ...fffine yes

 **Kokichi:** but it’s only a few bruises on my stomach… i was playing dead to try and get it to leave me alone

 **Kokichi:** it just nudged me with its hoof several times. the thing left me alone and went away right after that

 **Shuichi:** that’s still super dangerous! what if it got to your heart or your spine or something

 **Kokichi:** whaaaaat shuichi have you forgotten??? babe you’re the one who has my heart

 **Kokichi:** ...okay stop angry-typing i’m sorry

 **Kokichi:** i’m jsut not all that fazed since animals don’t like me much to begin with

 **Kokichi:** this one time one of gundam senpai’s cats scratched me when all i did was pick it up!! he had to put antiseptic all over my arms

 **Kokichi:** and then he had to send me to the ER because i got infected with some feline STD and now i’mm gonna spend the rest of my life cursed as i eventually morph to get a cat’s face [ugly crying] will you still love me in spite of that?

 **Shuichi:** sakura senpai’s with me rn 

**Kokichi:** what no reaction?? at all? boo

 **Shuichi:** you could stand to be a little more serious about this whole situation yknow

 **Kokichi:** …

 **Kokichi:** I don’t want to worry you more than you already are

 **Kokichi:** it’s sad seeing you freaked out because of me

 **Shuichi:** kokichi, i _love_ you

 **Shuichi:** of course i’ll be concerned if you get hurt

 **Kokichi:** ...i love you too, shuichi

 **Shuichi:** alright we’re almost there

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**kirumaid:** Kaede and I managed to leave that classroom, but it appears the festival will be ending early as a result of the mayhem

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** once all the guests manage to get out and all the animals are rounded up (which is gonna ;; prob take an hour or two minimum) we’ll have to clean up

 **detective hooker taxi:** cool noted

 **detective hooker taxi:** hey im so tired. what the fuck

 **detective hooker taxi:** i have never cussed this much in my life why is this school so shitty and stupid and stressful

 **bugs:** is ouma alright D:

 **pantakichi:** yeah dw gonta m fine

 **pantakichi:** m in the nurses office. sakura senpai gave me like fifty bajillion icepacks & a stern lecture & now i gotta sit here

 **pantakichi:** it’s so boringgggggggggggggg

 **pantakichi:** just kidding~~ my beloved shuichis here so i’m having the absolute time of my life

 **detective hooker taxi:** this is why im tired (joking)

 **pantakichi:** we all know u enjoy taking care of me shumai :3c

 **makill me:** get a room

 **detective hooker taxi:** we already have one it’s the nurse’s office

 **makill me:** i’m calling mikan senpai over to confiscate your fucking phones

 **pantakichi:** fiiiine we’ll stop

 **pantakichi:** i’d rather play doctor with shuichi anyway ;)

 **detective hooker taxi:** whwhAT

 **bugs:** they both haven’t said anything in a while…. gonta thinks they left?

 **makill me:** the gay is giving me a massive headache

 **tsu53:** haha headaches… that totally isn’t a reference to [the author's wip](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256/chapters/49626257)

**guactaro:** you can’t break the fourth wall for something that hasn’t even been published yet

 **guactaro:** i mean it wasn't when this chapter was first posted, but now it is, so... 

**tsu53:** shhh we're only meant to lean on the fourth wall not bulldoze through it 

**makill me:** what in the fuck are you two talking about

 **makill me:** god it’s a miracle i even consider you all my friends

 **tsu53:** haha anyway i’ll be MIA for aa while so dont try contactign me guys! i’ll beback soon

 **tsu53:** ive logged in on a different device for a while now but it’s temproroayr i’ll be back eventualyl

 **guactaro:** ?????

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi **

**Rantaro:** tsum you good?

 **Tsumugi:** NO IM PANICKIGN ON MAIN

 **Tsumugi:** MY PHONE IS MISSING… IM uSGNIG NAEGI SENPAIS PHONE HE LET ME BORORWO IT

 **Tsumugi:** i dontkn wo where it coudlv be ive bene looking geverytwher

 **Tsumugi:** i didnt realize until the animals got loose but once i did realize i ran super fast to the audiroitorium to borrow his phoen and now iginm runging back

 **Rantaro:** well don’t freak out, you’ll lose energy and get stressed

 **Rantaro:** take deep breaths i’m sure it’ll be fine

 **Tsumugi:** IT’S NOT IFNE

 **Tsumugi:** I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF IN THERE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO SEE

 **Rantaro:** like your fanfics and ocs? it’s okay

 **Tsumugi:** there are also pictures of us i n there from back when we wer e dating

 **Tsumugi:** aaaaaaaa i knew oyu’d frekaout stop typgin so frantickalyl 

**Rantaro:** WHAT

 **Rantaro:** WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Rantaro:** ...you kept those?

 **Tsumugi:** i mean htey were nice picutrues

 **Tsumugi** : and forall your lffaws you have fgood fashiogn sense so i also kept them for deisgn insp 

**Rantaro:** thanks ig

 **Rantaro:**...i’ll help you look for it

 **Tsumugi:** ?!? theres three wild animals on the loose and also a fucking stampede of peopel trying trampling each other to leave the school

 **Rantaro:** doesn’t matter i’m helping you look for it

 **Tsumugi:** you don’t have to it’s fine just maaitnain the fact that i’ll be MIA for a wh ile since i can’t let the gruo p chat know

 **Rantaro:** lmao sux :p ‘m helping you whether you want me to or not

 **Rantaro:** now retrace your steps for me, i’m omw

 **Tsumugi:** ugghghhg god you’re so fuckign nice STOP doing that

 **Rantaro:** if you really hate me doing things out of the goodness of my heart then just think of it as repaying you back for letting me borrow ur lab

 **Rantaro:** im gonna call you now

=

“Hey,” Shirogane answered the call, panting. Amami felt a little bad about how exhausted she sounded-- though part of him also felt somewhat smug. “Ugh…” Shirogane wheezed. There was quite a bit of background noise from the stampede, but he could hear her well enough. Cities like Mumbai and New York City were way noisier than this.

“Hey. Now will you retrace your steps for me?” Amami asked patiently. “I can look around the top few floors--”

“Fuck you,” Shirogane heaved a shaky breath. “My liberal arts-oriented body wasn’t made for running around doing shit like this.”

Amami twisted his mouth, perplexed. “...So are you gonna tell me, or?” 

Shirogane made an annoyed grumbling sound, but continued. “This morning I woke up late and was in a rush, so I just put my phone in my pocket and left. From 9:00 to 10:00 I was in the same station in the haunted house. My break started at 11:00, so I decided to go to the auditorium to see the second years’ play, because I designed and made all their costumes--”

“And you say _I’m_ overly helpful,” Amami muttered under his breath.

“Shut up, _normie,”_ she held back any further insults. “Anyway, at 11:30, there was an intermission, so I went backstage to talk to Celes-senpai, because her performance was amazing, especially the part when she was burning at the stake and that robotic bear came at her with a fire truck, it was really poignant and symbolic for her character--”

“You’re veering off-topic,” Amami reminded, scanning the crowd around where he was.

“Right, sorry-- anyway, I left at 12:00 because I had to be back at the haunted house by 12:30. By then, the animals had gotten loose and the stampede started. I tried to grab my phone so I could text everyone that I’d be late, but I realized it was gone, so I ran to the auditorium again and begged Naegi-senpai to let me use his phone because mine was missing and he agreed, so here I am.”

Amami nodded. “Okay. I’ll check in the auditorium, and you can go check backstage. If you find it, call me. I’ll do the same if I find it. If neither of us find it, we’ll meet up in the haunted house at 2:00. Does that work?”

Shirogane sighed on the other end, considerably more relieved now that there was a plan set in motion. “Yeah.”

Amami was already pushing his way past the masses. “Cool, great, I’ll see you then.”

“Amami-kun…” Shirogane began. She paused.

“Yes?” Amami blinked.

“...Thank you.”

Amami smiled. “No prob. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Shirogane shattered the tender moment immediately. “Yeah, yeah, heartwarming fluff, we’re amiable exes, whatever. Now move it, I still have that dorky video of you Fortnite dancing in Miku cosplay on my camera roll, and if I don’t get my phone back soon I might get trigger happy.”

Amami let out a strangled noise, gripping his phone tighter. “OKAY, OKAY, I’M RUNNING! Jeez, don’t blackmail people when they’re helping you!”

Shirogane snickered. “Joking, joking!”

Amami sighed in relief. “Good…”

”No, no, I do have the video. I meant that I’m just plain not mean enough to send it without your permission.”

_”Shirogane-san!”_

=

Animals weren’t all that scary to Gonta.

Gonta was rather big, so even with big animals stampeding and all the people panicking as they ran away, he could make it to different parts of the academy.

His shift in the haunted house had ended, and he wanted to relax in his lab with the bugs, but… he couldn’t open the door, or else some of the escaped animals might eat them.

And that would be very sad and bad.

So instead he made his way to the game room, pushing past the crowd. None of the guests were allowed in there; all student activity rooms were locked and wouldn’t open except with a student’s ID badge. Gonta held his ID badge in front of the security lock. 

_First year, Class 79-A. Gokuhara Gonta. Guest #003 for the GAME ROOM today,_ the lady’s automated voice spoke. 

As expected, nobody was in the game room. He could probably sit in peace and quiet for a while. 

Surprisingly, though, there was a phone on one of the sofas. It was turned on, with a single photo illuminating the screen, and a confirmation screen saying _Send image to **ultimate disaster squad 6942053**?_.

Gonta furrowed his brows as he looked closer. “Shirogane-san and… Amami-kun…?” 

The phone was open to the camera roll app. The photo was specifically of Shirogane and Amami in casual clothes, posing together for a selfie at what looked like an amusement park. Shirogane wasn’t wearing her glasses. She held up the phone with one hand and made half of a heart with her other hand, smiling. Amami was sticking out his tongue, with one arm loosely wrapped around Shirogane’s shoulder and his other hand finishing the heart. Both were wearing the amusement park mascot’s ear headbands.

Gingerly, Gonta picked up the phone. Relaxing away from the stampede could wait-- whoever this phone belonged to was probably looking for it, and the gentlemanly thing to do would be to return it immediately. So Gonta left the game room and went back to the main hallways.

However… he underestimated the power of a desperate crowd.

“Move, I need to escape those rabid animals--!” people pushed and shoved, and even with Gonta’s towering height and overwhelming strength, he couldn’t hold his own against hundreds of people rushing through.

His grip on the phone changed place, and with his hands being as large as they are, his fingers slipped--

\--and he caught the phone in time, barely. 

“Phew,” he mumbled, dusting off the phone for good measure. He briefly looked at the screen.

“Oh,” his eyes widened. “Oh, no.”

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**tsu53:** [photo attachment]

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: "junko’s cameo is so small it’s making her feel despair beyond the grave!"
> 
> ahahaha, i feel a bit bad about the cliffhanger, but worry not! the plot shall progress and nothing overwhelmingly serious or terrible is gonna happen. the REAL mystery of the hope's peak culture festival is about to begin!
> 
> the biggest horror story in the universe: accidentally sending a secret photo to The groupchat. big rip to amami and shirogane, they've got a lot coming for them (but nothing too bad, i promise!!!) ultimately, this arc won't focus overly so on their past relationship, so i hope you forgive me for the (temporary) excessive drama.
> 
> i tried putting some links into certain places that referenced either anthology manga shenanigans with the haunted house or UTDP interactions between certain characters but they kept breaking and i'm late enough with this chapter as it is so ; - ; oh well 
> 
> also;;; yes i pulled a 2009-era wattpad/ffn Author Insert Fourth Wall Break in there. do i care? no. it's self love. EDIT 2019 OCT 12: yes i Did That by adding onto the fourth wall break guahjdkslfljkdaskljf. do i still care? no. it's still self love. go check out that wip if you're curious!!
> 
> please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! they're much appreciated <3


	8. freakouts, investigations, and the culprit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **detective hooker taxi:** now the question is… who did it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter ended up... a lot longer than I thought it would. around 5k....
> 
> but anyway, here we are!! the aftermath of the culture festival. i hope you all enjoy this mini-mystery i concocted!! :D

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**guactaro:** POIWGIHWOJOIOSFDJKHLJKFHdkhljkHJGDJKHLDSfl W

 **pantakichi:** i just heard amami fucking SCREAM all the way from the nurses office so i turn on my phone to ask what’s wrong and hten i see this… :x oof

 **tsu53:** WHHTAGJHKLDSJFHKLDSK WhAT???? MY PHONE???

 **detective hooker taxi:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is……. quite… the picture...

 **guactaro:** YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU FOUND IT WHAT THE HFUUHHkc

 **god is watching:** BIG [eyes emoji]

 **tsu53:** BECAUSE I DIDNT FUCKIGN FIND IT YOU DIPSHIT I THOUGHT YOU FOUND IT

 **magic lesbian:** :OOO shirogane having a foul mouth… i’d only ever expect that sort of reaction from iruma...

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** WHAT

 **makill me:** the fuck?

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** HOOOOOOO THIS IS SOME SPICY SHIT

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** who knew weed man and weeb girl were a thing

 **guactaro:** we ARENT A THING and for the LAST TIME i’m NOT a fucking stoner

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** hhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii don’t get mad,,

 **guactaro:** f fucjk sorry iruma 

**guactaro:** im ont mad at you i swear iim ujst freaking out

 **anti robophobia activist:** OH MY GOD???? I KNEW IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **tsu53:** YOU DIDNT KNOW SHIT OKAY

 **anti robophobia activist:** “““““well whatever you thought kii you were wrong. we're not dating””””””

 **tsu53:** WE *ARENT* DATING

 **guactaro:** kiibo im begging you give it a rest and let us explain

 **anti robophobia activist:** i said i couldve SWORN you two were a thing and that’s what you said 

**anti robophobia activist:** wait what

 **guactaro:** i promise you were’re not lyign this is all a gigantic fuckign misunderstanding

 **anti robophobia activist:** okay. in that case, i apologize. it was rude of me

 **guactaro:** apology accepted;;

 **jock lesbian:** i can’t believe you took a photo that sweet with a degenerate male shirogane…

 **jock lesbian:** and his degenerate male tendencies of cursing have rubbed off on you…

 **tsu53:** nah i’ve always been this way i just don’t normally DO IT on this group chat

 **insert seesaw joke here:** i walked into the party late but ;;;;;; this is. huh

 **kirumaid:** Well, this is unexpected.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** why send the photo if you’re so worried about others seeing it?

 **tsu53:** THAT’S THE THING

 **tsu53:** MY PHONE WENT MISSING AND IT HAD ALL THESE PHOTOS AND SOMEHOW IT GOT SENT

 **guactaro:** i was helping her lookfor it and we were doign that and then THIS just happened

 **guactaro:** i mean obv she deleted it now but like,,, damage done

 **fuck echizen:** so you’re not dating?

 **guactaro:** NO

 **tsu53:** NO

 **tsu53:** we broke up on good terms and that was it! i kept the pictures and videos because they were cute! it was personal business and we agreed not to tell anyone but i guess now i’ll go to hell!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** noooo no it’s all good don’t say that!!! we wont bother you two about your private lives

 **bugs:** ; A ;GONTA IS SO SORRY _@tsu53 @guactaro_

 **guactaro:** ??

 **tsu53:**?

 **bugs:** GONTA WENT TO THE GAME ROOM TO RELAX AND FOUND THIS PHONE OPEN TO THIS PICTURE ON THE SOFA THERE

 **bugs:** AND WHEN GONTA LEFT THE GAME ROOM TO RETURN IT LIKE A GENTLEMAN, THE CROWD PUSHING MADE THE PHONE SLIP LOOSE

 **bugs:** gonta’s fingers were too big… the button got accidentally pressed and the photo sent

 **bugs:** gonta is so sorry… how can you forgive me

 **tsu53:** it’s... alright gonta

 **tsu53:** you were just plain trying to do the right thing. all of this was an accident 

**guactaro:** ^

 **guactaro:** _@everyone_ are we all CLEAR on the fact that shirogane and i aren’t dating

 **guactaro:** speak now or you will all meet a horrible fate one day.

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ; ;;;; that’s so scary and cryptic man tf

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** but yeah ,,

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** yes

 **bugs:** yes

 **anti robophobia activist:** yes

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** ya

 **makill me:** ^

 **magic lesbian:** ^

 **jock lesbian:** ^^

 **fuck echizen:** yeah

 **kirumaid:** Yes.

 **insert seesaw joke here:** yes

 **god is watching:** yes~

 **pantakichi:** yupppp

 **detective hooker taxi:** yes

 **guactaro:** good

 **bugs:** Gonta is on his way to the haunted house. will bring the phone with me _@tsu53_

 **tsu53:** great, i’ll come there too

 **guactaro:** same

 **guactaro:** all’s well that ends well, i guess...?

 **detective hooker taxi:** no, hold on

 **detective hooker taxi:** don’t write it off that quickly. why was shirogane’s phone even in the game room to begin with? 

**tsu53:** that’s… true... i haven’t been there at all today...

 **tsu53:** i told amami that the only places i’d been were hallways, the haunted house, and the auditorium while i was retracing my steps

 **detective hooker taxi:** and gonta… what did the phone look like when you found it

 **bugs:** was already open to the photo, and there was a. word thing? asking “send image” ?

 **pantakichi:** ...a pop-up?

 **bugs:** :D yes! probably! gonta is bad with technology, but ouma is smart!

 **detective hooker taxi:** in that case… someone had to have purposely stolen shirogane’s phone and left it in the game room 

**tsu53:** WHAT

 **detective hooker taxi:** now the question is… who did it?

 **pantakichi:** DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** o shit [sirens blaring]

 **insert seesaw joke here:** [x files theme] 

**tsu53:** NOT THE TIME

 **detective hooker taxi:** since it was found in the game room, and only people with student ids can go in there, we can eliminate any of the festival visitors as suspects…

 **detective hooker taxi:** shirogane, when did you realize your phone was missing

 **tsu53:** around noon when the stampede started

 **detective hooker taxi:** and when was the latest time that you recall still having your phone

 **tsu53:** i checked the time on my phone around when the intermission for 78-A’s murder mystery play was… so 11:30 i guess? and then i went backstage to chat with some of them

 **pantakichi:** kyaaaaaa my detective boyfriend’s so hot when hes interrogating others [heart eyes emoji]

 **makill me:** keep it in your pants, grape

 **pantakichi:** DSHKLFHKDLS RUDE???

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** look as much as id like to bully ouma for being a horny sexless virgin can we focus on figuring out who took shirogane’s phone and snooped through her shit

 **makill me:** i 

**makill me:** did i really get told off by iruma...

 **fuck echizen:** yeah, let’s focus

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** alright, so everyone who was in/around the haunted house at 11:30 is no longer suspicious. meaning kiibo, iruma, shinguji, angie, himiko, tenko, maki and kaito

 **kirumaid:** Kaede and I can corroborate each other’s alibis.

 **fuck echizen:** i was in the petting zoo around all of gundam’s cats then

 **fuck echizen:** [photo attachment]

 **fuck echizen:** ^ proof courtesy of koizumi. i took a photo of the photo

 **jock lesbian:** mahiru senpai’s photos are so gorgeous… luv her…. lesbian icon

 **detective hooker taxi:** and everyone else who was out had just gotten done with their shifts at 11:30 because of the schedule, so they couldn’t have stolen it… meaning me, kokichi, amami, and gonta

 **detective hooker taxi:** so basically, the culprit isn’t anyone from our class…

 **god is watching:** god’s telling me that the culprit can’t be from 77-A either~!

 **god is watching:** their takoyaki stand was outdoors, and since so many people visit, they needed all hands on deck

 **god is watching:** and also angie counted all of them from the window because angie got bored of saying boo every time someone walked past her at our stall. nyahaha!!!!

 **anti robophobia activist:** quite honest, aren’t you

 **fuck echizen:** on a similar note, most of the rest of the third years were at the petting zoo 

**detective hooker taxi:** oh? who’d you see there hoshi

 **fuck echizen:** everyone but saionji, souda, and imposter

 **fuck echizen:** koizumi said that they complained too much about the smell, so

 **kirumaid:** Kaede and I passed by Imposter. He was near the maid cafe.

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** oh dw i saw saionji senpai dumping glitter all over souda senpai’s hair at the other class’s arts and crafts center

 **detective hooker taxi:** hmm

 **guactaro:** as far as i’m aware, all the other classes were super full with visitors… since our class is in a really far-off dead end hallway we didn’t get as many

 **magic lesbian:** sucks

 **pantakichi:** what. so are you trying to say that it HAD to be someone from 78-A?

 **tsu53:** i mean yeah since all the other classes were just randomly made up for the fic and don’t have any actual characters in them,,, or even games and series content behind them,,

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Rantaro:** quit saying stuff like that!!!

 **Tsumugi:** no

 **Rantaro:** k. you leave me no choice

 **Tsumugi:** december 12, 9:10 PM, in the school library with a shot put ball? [skull emoji]

 **Rantaro:** i was actually gonna not say anything and let you freak out from me being cryptic but genuinely what the fuck

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**detective hooker taxi:** honestly? i think amami is on the right track

 **detective hooker taxi:** based on how much we narrowed it down, the only time it could’ve truly been stolen is when shirogane was backstage

 **detective hooker taxi:** and since all the other students minus shirogane were at different booths, only people from that class could’ve been backstage

 **detective hooker taxi:** i’ll investigate further on my own. be back soon

=

**Saihara Shuichi > Kirigiri Kyouko**

**Shuichi:** Hey, senpai. Sorry to message you out of the blue

 **Kyouko:** Is something the matter

 **Shuichi:** I’m in the middle of a case rn and I’d like to ask for some… assistance

 **Kyouko:** Caused by the stampede?

 **Shuichi:** yeah ;;;

 **Kyouko:** Luckily the auditorium is far enough from the third years’ petting zoo that we weren’t affected. Just some minor set issues caused by all the vibrations.

 **Kyouko:** The crowds have evened out considerably, so meet me outside the auditorium. 

**Shuichi:** Alright, thank you

 **Shuichi:** I’ll be there in five minutes

=

Saihara explained everything to Kirigiri.

Pensively, she put a gloved hand over her mouth. “The intermission… that took place after the third execution, so the only people backstage were the ones who had died prior to or immediately after the third trial, minus Ikusaba-san, since she had a role as the murderous bear.”

“Who were those people?” Saihara asked. Those select few were the only suspects.

Kirigiri ticked them off one by one on her fingers. “Kuwata-kun, Maizono-san, Fujisaki-kun, Oowada-kun, Ishimaru-kun, Yamada-kun, and Celes-san.”

“Seven people,” Saihara muttered under his breath. “We could go question them, I suppose…”

Kirigiri shook her head. “There’s an easier way. You said it was found in the game room, right?”

Saihara nodded.

“That room has a log of the students who signed in, so perhaps we could take a look at that,” Kirigiri explained. “Gonta was the third person to come in, so the culprit had to have been person number one or two.”

Saihara’s eyes widened. “Oh, that--” He whipped out his phone. “Senpai, you’re a genius. Give me a minute, I’d like to ask one of my classmates something--”

“Go ahead,” Kirigiri motioned. “While you’re doing that, walk with me to the game room.”

=

**Saihara Shuichi > Gokuhara Gonta**

**Shuichi:** Hello gonta

 **Gonta:** :o hello saihara

 **Shuichi:** I had one more question about the game room when you went there

 **Shuichi:** Did you happen to see anyone… trying to come back into the room after you left?

 **Gonta:** no… crowds were too big

 **Shuichi:** alright then, that helps

 **Shuichi:** thank you!

 **Gonta:** C: anytime!

=

“Well… Gonta-kun didn’t see anyone, but if someone did come back to the game room for the phone, their name should be logged in,” Saihara said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “Either way, we’ll find out soon enough.”

By that point in time, they had reached the game room. Kirigiri whipped out a key card-looking thing and swiped it on the scanner. 

_Welcome, Admin. What can I do for you today?_ the lady’s automated voice spoke.

Saihara raised a brow. “You have an admin key card?”

“It’s one of my dad’s spares,” Kirigiri sniffed. “I carry it with me in case of emergencies.”

“Isn’t that sort of…?” Saihara trailed off, hesitant.

Kirigiri only shrugged, tapping and swiping at the screen with such precision that Saihara wondered how often she’d had to do something like this. “This is a private academy, after all. Nepotism isn’t totally lost on this place.” The screen changed. “Alright, here’s the people who came here today.”

Saihara scanned the list.

#001. Yukizome, Chisa. 

**IN** 08:55:49. **OUT** 08:57:02.

#002. Yamada, Hifumi.

 **IN** 11:47:53. **OUT** 12:06:35

#003. Gokuhara, Gonta. 

**IN** 12:07:04 **OUT** 12:07:44

#004. Yamada, Hifumi. 

**IN** 12:15:37 **OUT** 12:24:26

He sucked in a breath. “Looks like we’ve got our culprit.”

Kirigiri pressed her lips into a thin line, taking out her phone. “And it looks like _I_ have someone to lecture… but before that, let’s at least confirm it with him in person.”

She tapped away on her phone; Saihara peeked over her shoulder and caught a bombardment of chat bubbles being received.

Kirigiri sighed, muting her notifications. “He’s freaking out and begging for his life, so that’s case closed. He said to add him to your class’s group chat if you want to shame him, or if you want a more public apology. Whatever you choose to do, I won’t judge.” She smiled at Saihara, patting him on the shoulder before beginning to walk back to her class. “Everything that happens from here on out is up to you.”

Saihara nodded once, smiling back. “Thank you, Kirigiri-senpai.”

Kirigiri continued walking forward, but put her hand up in a nonchalant wave. “Anytime.”

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**detective hooker taxi:** kirigiri senpai and i finished investigating. case closed it was yamada 

**tsu53:** !!!

 **pantakichi:** eight minutes and twenty one seconds 

**magic lesbian:** holy shit that was fast

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** YESSSSSSS _@jock lesbian @1-800-GET-THIS-DICK @fuck echizen_ PAY UP

 **jock lesbian:** dammit now i owe a degenerate male money. did you really have to finish before 10 minutes were up

 **fuck echizen:** a few yen lost isn’t a big deal but im still,... h 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** on one hand good job. on another hand, FUCK YOU SHYHARA

 **detective hooker taxi:** all this work and what do i get. insults

 **pantakichi:** <3 ?

 **detective hooker taxi:** <3

 **guactaro:** BACK UP…. YAMADA HIFUMI?

 **detective hooker taxi:** right right

_> detective hooker taxi has added Demon Angel Piggles to the chat._

**tsu53:** [angry cat meme] YOU!!!!!!!!

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** EEEEEK I CAN EXPLAIN

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** First of all, Shirogane Tsumugi. I sincerely apologize for stealing your phone while you were talking to Celestia Ludenberg. It was rude. 

**tsu53:** more than rude, it was a super deep invasion of privacy… for both me AND one of my closest friends

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** I apologize from the bottom of my heart. In truth, I wished to see reference poses from any cosplay photographs you may have had, and was too shy to ask outright.

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** bitch what.

 **anti robophobia activist:** sorry for her rudeness, senpai ;; but i do agree with her sentiments.

 **kirumaid:** It would’ve been more efficient to just type “bitch what” or “^” and be done with it that way, Kiibo…

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** DKHFDLSHFHLKDSFKLDSK KIRUMIIIII

 **anti robophobia activist:** im.

 **anti robophobia activist:** i mean you’re right but he’s still older, so

 **magic lesbian:** omgghsdfjkkslh

 **god is watching:** screenshotted

 **insert seesaw joke here:** seeing toujo type bitch what, even if it’s in quotation marks, is a once in a lifetime event

 **tsu53:** anyway back on topic

 **tsu53:** you wanted these nonexistent reference photos so badly that you scrolled through my entire phone gallery. clicking on each picture and swiping. seriously invading my goddamn privacy. why did you do it

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** Well, what with the Culture Festival being later in the year and all, Winter Comiket is close, and I’m a bit behind schedule this year, so I was thinking that the Ultimate Cosplayer may have pose references…

 **tsu53:** uh huh.

 **makill me:** jsyk shiroganes next to me rn and she. looks kinda terrifying 

**makill me:** the cold glasses glint is hh

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** oh wow 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** even harumaki,,, my moon n stars,,, my fearless galaxy gf… gets scared sometimes 

**pantakichi:** damn u kno shit’s scary if even lil miss assassin thinks so

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** i guess everyone has their weaknesses… it’s nothing to be ashamed of but dang i wasn’t expecting it to come up now

 **makill me:** i mean true but like. this isn’t like you-with-horror-stories scary, kai. im just saying she looks mad as fuck

 **tsu53:** at any rate… I accept your apology, as angry as I still am

 **guactaro:** I accept it too.

 **tsu53:** you could’ve just GOOGLED poses instead of pulling this kinda stunt but alright! okay!! haha!!

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** hhhhiiiiii weeb bitch snapped

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** ; - ; Thank you for forgiving me, I will never do this again.

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** if I may ask, though… would you be willing to help me by posing in Demon Angel Pretty Princess Piggles cosplay? Live?

 **jock lesbian:** DIE DEGENERATE

 **tsu53:** ...sure

 **guactaro:** WH

 **jock lesbian:** SHIROGANE???!?!?!?

 **detective hooker taxi:** THAT’S…. UNEXPECTED

 **guactaro:** alright there’s gotta be a catch. i don’t believe that. not from her

 **pantakichi:** this shit’s hilarious but ^ 

**Demon Angel Piggles:** REALLY

 **tsu53:** my set rate is a million yen per hour

 **guactaro:** HA there it is

 **pantakichi:** he called it + SDKFJKDSFLJDSJFKL DAMN WEEBY MAKES BANK

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** KDSFHLDSJKFHDSJKFHKLDSJKFLKDSFKLK THAT”S??? $155 USD PER MINUTE IM DYIGN

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** WHAT

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** I’m,,, too poor for that…

 **tsu53:** what can i say. i’m in high demand amongst otakus. cough it up or leave it

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** I could,,, get a loan from the Togami Conglomerate Official Bank…?

 **kirumaid:** Good luck with that. Their loan policies are almost as bad as those of banks owned by the politicians and royals I’ve served.

 **tsu53:** in all sincerity yamada. just use google. 

**pantakichi:** yeah!! stealing is bad and wrong!!

 **detective hooker taxi:** ko...

 **pantakichi:** ive only stolen perishables like food and candy and water

 **pantakichi:** or necessities like clothes and soap. not other peoples phones and not for Hot Cosplay Pics™ 

**Demon Angel Piggles:** Well at any rate you’ve forgiven me so I suppose I’ll take that advice. To Google it is.

 **Demon Angel Piggles:** What a kind class you all are. Though you are underclassmen, you have the moral strength to continue forward. I must say… I admire all of your camaraderie. I know I tend to be verbose, so I’ll split up what I have to say now into sections, but... 

_> bugs has removed Demon Angel Piggles from the chat._

**bugs:** apology has been accepted. festival has ended. now leave

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** DFKLHDSHJFKDHSKLFJDHSKLFHDSKHLFDSKL

 **kirumaid:** SDLKFJKDS I’m impressed

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** :O KEYSMASH KIRUMI!!

 **kirumaid:** c; 

**makill me:** oh thank FUCK

 **pantakichi:** AFIHAEIGLRIROIEHKLDSFHLKDSFJKDkls

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ASDKJKGFDSIOEUGIFJDSJLKJKFJLJL

 **tsu53:** oh my ogsdugobjodsfl

 **guactaro:** nice one gonta

 **detective hooker taxi:** QIROGGJEOFJSDKLJHJFHDSJKL????

 **anti robophobia activist:** thanks he was giving me a migraine

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** GAGHHGHAHGAJDksj

 **god is watching:** god was tired of him too! good riddance!

 **insert seesaw joke here:** mood…

 **magic lesbian:** gonta magically made the doujin guy disappear. im so proud of u

 **bugs:** was nothing ;D

 **fuck echizen:** beautiful. this is art

 **jock lesbian:** \--and the annoying degenerate senpai was defeated and the first years all lived happily ever after, the end.

 **bugs:** gonta’s just glad the mystery is solved…

 **god is watching:** amen to that~ :3c

 **guactaro:** thanks _@detective hooker taxi_

 **detective hooker taxi:** np ;; anything for my friends

 **guactaro:** !! that reminds me

 **detective hooker taxi:** ?

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi **

**Rantaro:** hey

 **Tsumugi:** ???? hey?

 **Rantaro:** earlier

 **Rantaro:** when you were yelling at yamada

 **Rantaro:** you called me one of your closest friends

 **Tsumugi:** ah, that…

 **Rantaro:** idk if it was just like an in the heat of the moment thing or if you actually think of me that way

 **Rantaro:** but i just wanted to tell you it made me really happy

 **Tsumugi:** i guess i’ll just be honest and say it’s true, you are

 **Rantaro:** :0 !!

 **Tsumugi:** we have a tendency of annoying each other and we’re not well suited for anything like a long term romance the way some of our classmates are, but at the very least, i can still be myself around you

 **Tsumugi:** more than i can with any other people i know

 **Tsumugi:** it’s a little wack but i think that warrants calling you one of my closest friends

 **Rantaro:** aw :’) thanks

 **Tsumugi:** now that we got that mushy stuff out of the way i’m gonna start packing my bags ;; i have too much stuff to bring back with me over the holidays...

 **Rantaro:** yeah… school doesn’t let out for another two weeks, but same...

 **Tsumugi:** seeya later? :p

 **Rantaro:** seeya :)

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**bugs:** now that festival clean up is finished, gonta is excited to pack all of his bug stuff for winter break!!!

 **detective hooker taxi:** it was a lot of work but ,, im glad u still have the energy…

 **pantakichi:** im DYING from all this BACK BREAKING WORK

 **anti robophobia activist:** you got to sit in the nurse’s office thanks to your injuries… doing nothing...

 **pantakichi:** precisely. sitting is bad for health

 **kirumaid:** You’re not technically wrong, but within that context it’s kind of…

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** eh whatever 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** yeah the REAL party begins once break does!

 **insert seesaw joke here:** you should all be more worried about your grades ;;

 **tsu53:** this is a chatfic and it’s also hope’s peak. you’re free to assume that we’ll all pass

 **insert seesaw joke here:** i guess…?

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** today was… really tiring

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** lots of stuff happened today! but i’m still super proud of you guys re the haunted house and solving the mystery of shirogane’s phone!

 **guactaro:** yay

 **fuck echizen:** woo

 **makill me:** wonderful

 **magic lesbian:** yeet

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** i love you guys :’)

 **jock lesbian:** AW AKAMATSU… WE LOVE YOU TOO

 **god is watching:** god is very proud of you for all the hard work you do kaede! and so is angie <3

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** <33

 **kirumaid:** I’m proud of you too, Kaede. <3

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** <333333 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** we’re on the last stretch between now and exams/winter break! we can do it!!!

 **detective hooker taxi:** yeah!!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** we have a three day weekend, so no school until monday. get some rest

 **tsu53:** and we’ll see you in the final chapter, everyone!

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** *get some rest for now and we’ll see each other tomorrow! goodnight!!

 **guactaro:** DEEP sighs you had to fourth wall us again

 **tsu53:** couldn’t help it lmao

 **tsu53:** gn everyone!! and thanks for help with my phone <3

 **guactaro:** no prob + gn

 **detective hooker taxi:** np!! and goodnight

 **pantakichi:** gn~

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** night

 **makill me:** gn

 **kirumaid:** Goodnight

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** night

 **anti robophobia activist:** goodnight

 **bugs:** goodnight everyone!

 **fuck echizen:** gn

 **insert seesaw joke here:** goodnight

 **magic lesbian:** gn

 **jock lesbian:** gnnn

 **god is watching:** goodnight~

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left :'D
> 
> Ahaha, that might come as anticlimactic or shocking, but it's true. I am going to end this fic with the next chapter (and I won't continue it no matter what, sorry!!), just because chatfics tend to go on forever and I... didn't want that to be the case for ultimate disaster squad. I also wanted to give myself a bit more leg room to work on my longer wips, since I want to finish writing those completely before I start posting them.
> 
> I should've probably mentioned from the start that even if I wasn't sure exactly how many chapters this fic would be, I was still planning for it to be short, huh? Sorry about that, seriously! _ultimate disaster squad 6942053_ is actually the first multichapter fic I've written that I haven't ended up abandoning and deleting, so I'm pretty proud of myself.
> 
> Worry not, this isn't the last you'll see of me! Sooner or later, I will be back with more fics, and I hope you all stick with me through them in the future just as you've stayed with me for this chatfic slice of life fluff AU.
> 
> Finally... As always, please leave kudos and comments if you liked this chapter!! They're much appreciated.


	9. future dates, send-offs, and winter break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **kaedid i fucking stutter:** so this is it huh. the end of an era

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last the finale! The past month I spent writing this was really fun, ~~and a good break from all the angst/seriousness in my wips~~ but this is the end. It's kinda funny to me how these guys are leaving school for break in the fic at the same time I'm about to start a new school year irl.
> 
> If you're still hungry for more chatfic shenanigans, I really recommend [THIS FIC](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19709920/chapters/46645393) by cluelessdoodle! Rhea, you're amazing. For being both my inspiration for this fic, a consistent source of encouragement in the comments, and a great source of comedy in general, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. 
> 
> GO CHECK OUT THEIR FIC!!! It deserves all the love.
> 
> Without further ado, here's the last chapter of ultimate disaster squad 6942053!

**Yumeno Himiko > Chabashira Tenko**

**Himiko:** tenkooooo 

**Himiko:** <33333

 **Tenko:** YES HONEY MY DARLING MY LOVE SWEETHEART WHAT IS IT <3333

 **Himiko:** you’re so sweet sdkflsjd

 **Himiko:** i was gonna ask abt. plans to meet up

 **Tenko:** :’’O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES i really wanna see you!!

 **Tenko:** i cant deal with not seeing you for two weeks ; - ; 

**Himiko:** dskfhjkdshfald

 **Himiko:** going out in cold weather’s such a pain but ily so

 **Tenko:** im crying this is lesbian rights

 **Himiko:** <333

 **Himiko:** maki mentioned a rollerskating place she and momota went to with saihara and ouma on a double date

 **Himiko:** [video attachment]

 **Himiko:** summary in case you can’t watch rn: maki’s filming, saihara can’t rollerskate for his life and keeps falling, ouma keeps laughing at him. momota gets pissed that ouma is laughing at his own boyfriend/momota’s sidekick and pushes him over, but then ouma drags momota down with him and the three of them get tangled up

 **Tenko:** they’re disasters…

 **Tenko:** but on a different note!!! rollerskating sounds cool!!

 **Tenko:** i can use it as a training technique for balance and speed...

 **Himiko:** prob not. you’ll have to stick w me bc im too wobbly on skates

 **Tenko:** either way i’d love to :D

 **Tenko:** let’s go on lots of dates!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like fifty bajillion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Himiko:** nyeh;;;;idt we’ll have time for THAT many ;;;

 **Himiko:** but it’s fine

 **Himiko:** no matter how many we go on, it’ll be fun if it’s with you, tenko

 **Tenko:** likewise with you, himiko C:

 **Tenko:** <33

 **Himiko:** <33

=

**Iidabashi Kiichiro > Iruma Miu**

**Kiichiro:** both of us have… a lot of work we’re planning on doing over break…

 **Miu:** jsyk kiibo it killed me trying to pick between my underwear teleporter project and you, but in the end the underwear won. sorry babe

 **Kiichiro:** no offense taken;; I’m working on microscopic security cameras with the professor so

 **Miu:** still weird how you won’t just call him your dad

 **Kiichiro:** KSLDFHDSK EXCUSE ME??? YOU were the one who scarred me from doing that, thank you very much

 **Miu:** OH COME ON. A GAL MAKES ONE NSFW DADDY JOKE AND THEN THE CONCEPT OF FATHER-SON BONDING IS DEAD TO YOU??? 

**Kiichiro:** IT SURE IS 

**Kiichiro:** but all that aside… even if we’re both gonna be working on separate things, we can still meet up at least once or twice, right?

 **Miu:** kiibabe if you don’t take me out on a date at least once you won’t have a white christmas and that’ll be sad for both of us

 **Kiichiro:** We Are Minors.

 **Miu:** i meant,,, whipped cream. like american eggnog!!! and snow. like the ranch dressing that comes with fried chicken

 **Kiichiro:** suuuuuure

 **Miu:** h

 **Kiichiro:** but… a christmas date can definitely be arranged c: i look forward to spending it as boyfriend and girlfriend! 

**Miu:** kiibo you’re too pure

 **Kiichiro:** it is my number one dream to hold your hand in public.

 **Miu:** [reads that] oh wow so i AM a sex crazed nymphomaniac

 **Kiichiro:** but to be totally honest, I’m more excited to see you on New years 

**Miu:** oh?

 **Kiichiro:** since I had to go to that month long robotics convention in summer I missed both tanabata AND the obon festivals, so i’ve never seen you in a yukata

 **Kiichiro:** this’ll be my first time seeing you in formal Japanese clothing…

 **Miu:** fuck yeah i’ll be the sexiest kimono wearing bitch there

 **Kiichiro:** it’s kind of flustering, trying to picture it in my head, but… i think you’ll look really beautiful, miu

 **Miu:** A

 **Kiichiro:** miu?

 **Miu:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **Kiichiro:** i suppose i’ll have to hold off my imagination until new years, or else i might get too worked up by thinking about you…

 **Miu:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Kiichiro:** WHY ARE YOU YELLING 

**Miu:** STOP FLIRITN GINDSBKJHKFL WITH HTNME WWHEN WE’RE ALREDDA Y DATING!!!!

 **Kiichiro:** I’M NOT FLIRTING?? I’M JUST BEING HONEST 

**Miu:** H HHHHGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

**Kiichiro:** iruma miu. you are pretty. you are so, SO pretty. you say you’re a “sexy bomb” or a “seductive inventor goddess” or whatever but you’re seriously, genuinely beautiful. that’s the truth

 **Miu:** ;; ;hgnds

 **Miu:** yknow what else is the truth?

 **Kiichiro:**?

 **Miu:** you have a big horny fetish for traditional japanese clothes and you’re impatient to see me wearing them 

**Kiichiro:** MIU NO

 **Miu:** GYAHAHAHAHAHGHDJHKGDSKLFSJfhgjkadlfs

 **Kiichiro:** ...i love you

 **Miu:** ehehe

 **Miu:** i love you too

=

**Harukawa Maki > Momota Kaito **

**Maki:** Kaito… I may or may not have something to ask you ;;

 **Kaito:** ? go for it harumaki!!

 **Maki:** it was a little different in summer, but since we’re all going separate ways in winter i need to ask

 **Kaito:**?

 **Maki:** I don’t… I don’t have a place to go 

**Kaito:** Maki 

**Kaito:** If you need anything, I’m here. Spill out whatever’s on your mind and I will help you

 **Maki:** The cult that raised me and made me an assassin got exposed and dissolved earlier in the semester

 **Maki:** pretty much all the adults involved with it are in jail and all the kids are in rehab and going through foster care programs

 **Maki:** I’ve never really had a family to begin with… until I became part of this class

 **Kaito:** Maki…

 **Maki:** This is long-winded and all but basically what I’m leading up to here is

 **Maki:** Can I go with you?

 **Kaito:** what?

 **Maki:** wherever you’re going for winter break… is it okay for me to come with you and stay there?

 **Kaito:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Kaito:** absolutely

 **Kaito:** hhholy shit

 **Kaito:** i mean im! obviously gonna have to call my grandparents n give em a heads up but hell

 **Kaito:** there’s no way they’ll say no 

**Maki:** okay

 **Kaito:** and if they do i’ll smuggle you into my room anyway and you can stay there all of break

 **Maki:** gakhfjhkljdskh

 **Maki:** that’s a little over the top but yknow what? i don’t hate that

 **Maki:** you’re a good boyfriend. 

**Kaito:** and you’re a good girlfriend. 

**Kaito:** aaaa now i’m excited for them to meet you!!! this winter break is gonna be SO fun

 **Maki:** I’m sure it will be, now that I know I’ll be with you

 **Kaito:** <3

 **Maki:** <3

=

**Akamatsu Kaede > Toujo Kirumi**

**Kaede:** did your boss give you the okay…?

 **Kirumi:** I talked to Togami-senpai earlier, and since he owed me a favor for helping him deter Fukawa-senpai’s advances, he put in a good word for me in the main house

 **Kirumi:** So yes, I’m now free for winter break \\(^^)/

 **Kaede:** YAY!!!!!!

 **Kirumi:** two weeks of not doing any maid work… and not being in the hunt for another employer, either. it feels almost surreal

 **Kaede:** there’s so much that i’d like to do together :D

 **Kaede:** towards Christmas I have a recital to perform for the king of Norway but other than that!!! it’s free real estate

 **Kirumi:** spending time with you is more priceless than any kind of free real estate.

 **Kirumi:** Before you ask: yes, I do know the meme. I was being “smooth.”

 **Kaede:** gggod hec k yeah you were

 **Kaede:** I’m assuming you’re planning on making some sort of itinerary for the next two weeks?

 **Kirumi:** Planning? Goodness, no.

 **Kaede:** :0 really???

 **Kirumi:** I’ve already finished making it

 **Kaede:** thereeee it is sdfasdklfj

 **Kirumi:** ;; I apologize, i’m used to being far more meticulous than necessary because of my talent…

 **Kaede:** it’s not a bother!!!! i love that about you

 **Kaede:** just don’t overwork yourself okay? we’re gonna have FUN

 **Kirumi:** fun…

 **Kirumi:** I’m still getting used to expressing myself and doing fun things. The culture festival was my first major experience with that

 **Kirumi:** But I hope to experience it a lot more with you from here on out, Kaede c: 

**Kaede:** C: same! <3333333

 **Kirumi:** <33333

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Saihara Shuichi**

**Kokichi:** what is UP shu my boo

 **Shuichi:** well actually i’ve been wondering

 **Kokichi:** ? go ahead go ahead! whats on ur mind

 **Shuichi:** you remember how I figured out way back at the beginning of the school year that you were an orphan

 **Kokichi:** mhm

 **Kokichi:** fucked me up is what that did lmao

 **Shuichi:** you were the one who got all smug and challenged the whole class to guess which middle school you went to on the first fucking day of school

 **Shuichi:** it’s your own fault for not realizing the detective apprentice would seriously want to figure it out!!!

 **Kokichi:** :p you surprised me with that little rooftop confession like three days later yknow

 **Kokichi:** _“Ouma-kun… you were homeschooled, weren’t you?”_ all heavy hearted like some sort of dramatic shoujo scene HBDHSKLFDS

 **Shuichi:** Stooooooooppppp that was so embarrassing

 **Kokichi:** I MEAN ,,, you were right about it! and you even managed to also find those records of me living in the orphanage up until i ran away and started DICE

 **Kokichi:** but it was so ffufnynhsdkldshkaj you sounded SO serious and the wind was all up in your face

 **Shuichi:** ANyWAY

 **Shuichi:** since you’re an orphan… where are you going for winter break…?

 **Kokichi:** oh honey, the horror!

 **Kokichi:** I didn’t want to tell you like this. It’s too tragic. The fact that I… am going to be sent to an orphanage to be harvested as gourmet meat for magical demons!

 **Shuichi:** that’s the plot of a manga but nice try

 **Kokichi:** tch

 **Shuichi:** please..?

 **Kokichi:** the principal was willing to let me crash with him in his #BachelorPad for the time being since he let me into the school to begin with

 **Kokichi:** but i wasn’t gonna take him up on it. lmao. im not dumb

 **Kokichi:** i’d end up just watching two awkward middle aged bisexual men skirting around each other in pining limbo for two whole weeks so like. hard pass sdkfdls

 **Shuichi:** with Kizakura-sensei huh… i got stuck listening to Kirigiri-senpai ranting about them super passive-aggressively for like two hours the other night… her frustration was off the charts

 **Kokichi:** DSHFKDSJFKDSKLJL

 **Shuichi:** that aside

 **Shuichi:** where are you gonna go if you’re not gonna take up the principal on his offer

 **Kokichi:** well

 **Kokichi:** mmmmhhngnnnn i’m…. not sure….

 **Shuichi:** KOKICHI

 **Kokichi:** I DO HAVE AN IDEA ABOUT IT OKAY IM JUST NERVOUS TO ASK

 **Shuichi:**?? who do you wanna ask

 **Kokichi:** i

 **Kokichi:** fuck it

 **Kokichi:** Can I stay with you over winter break?

 **Shuichi:** I

 **Shuichi:** oh my god

 **Shuichi:** ...gimme a minute

 **Kokichi:** DICE has been technically defunct ever since the others got foster homes and i got into hope’s peak

 **Kokichi:** We haven’t disbanded yet, but still i can’t just intrude on their new families like that…

 **Shuichi:** okay!! my aunt and uncle said they’re fine with it :D

 **Kokichi:** wait really??

 **Shuichi:** yes i’m serious!! they said they’ve been wanting to meet you anyway

 **Kokichi:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**Kokichi:** omg :’D

 **Shuichi:** though our apartment’s a bit small so you’ll have to share a room with me

 **Kokichi:** ohoho?

 **Shuichi:** h don’t think dirty thoughts

 **Kokichi:** i was thinking that we’d be able to play card games until like 6 am with my new glow in the dark playing pack 

**Kokichi:** but good on you for reminding yourself out loud not to be horny, shuichi!

 **Shuichi:** SHKFHDLKS SHUT?

 **Kokichi:** >:3c never

 **Shuichi:** ouma kokichi you are absolutely, utterly impossible

 **Kokichi:** nishishi~

 **Shuichi:** ...and i love you that much more for it 

**Kokichi:** aww

 **Kokichi:** I love you too, Shuichi <3

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

******kaedid i fucking stutter:** so this is it huh. the end of an era

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** the final bell couldn’t ring faster i swear 

**magic lesbian:** ^ mood

 **kirumaid:** time flies so fast… :’)

 **tsu53:** you all seem pretty excited. going anywhere fun?

 **kirumaid:** _@kaedid i fucking stutter_ and I are going to Norway together

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** ^ !!!!!!!! It’ll be super cold there but we’ll manage! :D

 **fuck echizen:** visiting family & my gf up in miyagi prefecture

 **god is watching:** welll angie’s going with korekiyo and gonta and rantaro to the airport later today

 **god is watching:** going back to my home island with god :D to visit family~

 **tsu53:** oooOO nice @ the six of you

 **bugs:** gonta’s going to find bugs that might be on angie’s island :D might even discover unknown species!

 **insert seesaw joke here:** im looking for uncontacted tribes in any islands around that area of the pacific

 **tsu53:** [sobbing] y ou are all so cute and sweet and good

 **insert seesaw joke here:** tthanks i guess…? ^^ ; plus i want angie to introduce some of her people’s rituals to me for research purposes

 **guactaro:** ooo that’s a good idea

 **guactaro:** in any case shirogane you’re probably doing interesting stuff too right

 **tsu53:** eh i’m just plain going home to shibuya with my parents. prepping for winter comiket as usual

 **guactaro:** good luck on it!

 **tsu53:** thanks

 **fuck echizen:** wait you actually live in shibuya??? the fashion center??

 **tsu53:** yeah?? how else do you think i got into fashion and clothes design

 **fuck echizen** : i mean

 **fuck echizen:** ...huh

 **guactaro:** i wanna go shopping there too someday… but ‘m gonna go look for one of my sisters instead

 **guactaro:** i only stayed most of this semester bc i didnt wanna get expelled for poor attendance but now that we’re on break im [nyoom]

 **guactaro:** im thinking m a y b e rika might be around the south pacific

 **detective hooker taxi:** g.good luck amami

 **guactaro:** ;;;; thanks

 **makill me:** im staying with kaito

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ^ im SO hype yall

 **pantakichi:** ooh what a funny coinkydink i’m staying with shuichi too

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** smfh jealous grape trying to hop on the bandwagon

 **detective hooker taxi:** no hskdflj he’s not lying, he’s really staying with me and my aunt and uncle

 **makill me:** oh my god?

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** YOOOOOOO

 **makill me:** hold on don’t tell me the other couples we haven’t heard from yet are also doing this

 **makill me:** that’d be so wack

 **pantakichi:** the word wack doesn’t suit u harumaki. take that back

 **makill me:** do u wanna die

 **pantakichi:** >:x

 **jock lesbian:** no, unfortunately himiko and i are not planning on that! 

**magic lesbian:** but we do have dates planned

 **jock lesbian:** we do <3

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** i chose my underwear teleporter over kiibabe

 **anti robophobia activist:** im helping out the professor too so

 **detective hooker taxi:** aw

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** ‘s alright, we’re gonna see each other at some point

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** christmas and new years

 **anti robophobia activist:** we dont really mind the distance is all

 **pantakichi:** wow im fuckign crying goals

 **detective hooker taxi:** you really think so?

 **pantakichi:** no theyre lame asfuck. get on my level noobs lmao

 **detective hooker taxi:** KOKICHIDHKSLhfsdkl

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** maki if u gimme some cash and i invent a new super violent machinegun for u will u pummel him later

 **jock lesbian:** tenko can do that right now for free with just her fists, watch

 **pantakichi:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK

 **insert seesaw joke here:** holy shit i just saw a physical blur of purple running out the door

 **god is watching:** angie didn’t think that was possible. god says it’s one of life’s mysteries

 **magic lesbian:** tenko 

**magic lesbian:** ignore ouma and come back. use ur hands to hold me gently instead

 **jock lesbian:** YES MY DARLING… MY LOVE MY LIGHT

 **pantakichi:** tthakns yumeno

 **magic lesbian:** you owe me a panta

 **pantakichi:** dammit

 **pantakichi:** ...hey tenko u ever thought abt how yr gf’s name has the word MEN in it. like in english. yuMENo. degenerate men. 

**jock lesbian:** .

 **jock lesbian:** i change my mind im gonna pummel u after all

 **pantakichi:** kyaaaa noooo shuichi save meeee

 **detective hooker taxi:** ,,, brought it on yrself babe...

 **makill me:** _@jock lesbian_ i caught him we’re by the front door

 **jock lesbian:** NICE OMW

 **pantakichi:** NO

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** this is so fucking funny. im posting this on youtube

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** HOPES PEAK ACADEMY CLOWN GETS FUCKING REKT [NOT A PRANK] 

**jock lesbian:** be GRATEFUL that i let you off with just angry noogies

 **pantakichi:** u RUINED my hair. also kaito youre a big fuckign bully

 **makill me:** ur hair already looked like shit

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** teasing, teasing

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** just as you find it easy to bully us, we find it easy to bully u back. gentle bullying. it’s a natural cycle 

**jock lesbian:** i am loathe to admit it but you are technically a friend even if you’re a degenerate male and a little shit

 **pantakichi:** aw

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** you guys never change :’)

 **pantakichi:** not to kill the moment but WHAT about me getting attacked is wholesome

 **tsu53:** not to kill the moment but [kills the moment]

 **makill me:** ^

 **jock lesbian:** ^

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ^

 **insert seesaw joke here:** ^

 **fuck echizen:** ^

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** OKAY THE BELLS ABOUT TO RING SOTP BULLYING OUMA

 **detective hooker taxi:** there it is :'D

 **kirumaid:** Music to my ears :’)

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** :’DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WINTER BREAK BABEYYYYYYYY

 **it's not gay if it's in space:** WE'RE FREEEEEEE

 **guactaro:** [nyooms] 

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** i guess we can use this chat whenever even while winter break’s still going on but for now at least...

 **kaedid i fucking stutter:** have fun over break, guys!see you all when school starts again <3333

 **detective hooker taxi:** see you <3

 **kirumaid:** See you <3

 **pantakichi:** seeya~~

 **bugs:** see you all :D

 **insert seesaw joke here:** see you ^^

 **god is watching:** SEE YA 

**magic lesbian:** see u 

**jock lesbian:** see u!!

 **makill me:** see you

 **it’s not gay if it’s in space:** bye guys, seeya

 **fuck echizen:** see you

 **1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** SEEYA

 **anti robophobia activist:** see you all soon! :D

 **guactaro:** seeya guys :’)

 **tsu53:** see ya!

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! A bit abrupt, but I'm satisfied with how this ended up. My first ever complete multichapter fic :'D
> 
> Bonus points if you caught that Promised Neverland reference! And to those who caught Other references to certain wips of mine... ;)
> 
> Once again, I'll be back to posting content soon after I finish writing my lengthier, more serious wips (which are... not nearly as funny or fluffy as this, but hopefully still enjoyable!). In the meantime, I'm always available [here on tumblr](http://khattikeri.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me, reading, and commenting/kudosing. It means so much to me that you all enjoyed this fic <3
> 
> See you all soon~!


	10. BONUS 1 - new semesters, new secrets, same old kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic originally ended in August 2019, and then a few months later I wrote a sequel... and then subsequently decided I didn't want to continue it. A lot of people said they wanted the existing chapters to stay up, so I decided to delete the sequel fic and reupload those chapters onto the original fic as bonuses.
> 
> **TL;DR** these are three bonus chapters from the scrapped sequel fic. They continue the story a little bit, but ultimately have nothing to do with original nine chapters and you can ignore them if you'd rather not (technically) end on a cliffhanger.
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and I hope you enjoy the bonuses!

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

_> tsu53 changed their name to mastermind._

_> mastermind changed 15 nicknames._

**mastermind:** Welcome back to our killing school semester everyone!

**mastermind:** in honor of the beginning of our final trimester as first years we're doing this game again bc i thought it'd be fun!!!!

**first crush was detective conan:** HHHHGGUHHGHGHSDGHJSDF NOOOOOOO WHY 

**mastermind:** smfh conan keep up with the times i just said i thought it’d be fun

**lured by pretty jewelry then got kidnapped in barcelona:** LEAVE ME ALONE IT WAS A RARE STERLING SET AND I WAS 14 SHUT THEGYSDUHGFKDSHJKVGJHK 

**purposely cut sister’s hair badly right before picture day in middle school:** oh COME ON TSUMUGI

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** WGHUOGSGODHHIVGBHSDBKJLK shUT UP WE DONT TALK ABOUT THAT 

**first crush was kaitou kid:** SHIROGANE WHY THE FFUCK DO YOU KNOW THIS

**mastermind:** haha uwu!

**first crush was kaitou kid:** UWU YOURSELF

**lured by pretty jewelry then got kidnapped in barcelona:** ARRESTED FOR UWU CRIMES

=

**Ouma Kokichi > Momota Kaito**

**Kokichi:** hhey remember the last time this happened and we swapped places

**Kaito:** ???????? yeah

**Kokichi:** PLEASE DO THT AGAIN ID RATHER DIE THAN LET PEOPLE KNOW THIS

**Kaito:** okay? what's your username

**Kokichi:** .

**Kaito:** can’t switch if i don’t know which one you are lmao

**Kokichi:** goddammit either way you'll end up knowing

**Kokichi:** ..................kaitou kid

**Kaito:** JSHDFJDSIHFJSDKLHFKDSFHlkdS

**Kokichi:** SHUT THE FUCK UP I WAS FIVE

**Kaito:** NAH MAN IT’S CUTE ALL THAT PHANTOM THIEF SHIT MAKES SENSE NOW SKLDFJSDLKF

**Kokichi:** yeah yeah i saw a hot gentleman thief trick all the police get away with stealing jewels and have a cool rivalry with an amazing detective & simultaneously went “kin” and “crush” now HELP ME

**Kaito:** STILL SJDSHJFDHKSL SORRY DUDE NO WAY AM I PRETENDING TO HAVE A CRUSH ON SOME ANIME DUDE WITH THE SAME NAME AS ME

**Kokichi:** GO TO HEL BICHTHC

**Kokichi:** youurue so meang to em kaitito , ,,, :”(( i guess everyone has to know you thot u wer str8 n had a gay panic over shuichi

**Kaito:** BITCH

**Kaito:** YOU WOULDNT FUCKING DARE

**Kokichi:** >p< lmao try me frat boy

**Kaito:** ….

**Kaito:** i’ll stay quiet about yours if you stay quiet about mine

**Kaito:** deal?

**Kokichi:**...sure. but i reserve the right to call you a frat boy from now on

**Kaito:** UGH

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**purposely cut sister’s hair badly right before picture day in middle school:** i think it’s sorta obvious but… _@first crush was detective conan_ are you shuichi

**__** _> first crush was detective conan changed their name to detective hooker taxi_

**detective hooker taxi:** aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**purposely cut sister’s hair badly right before picture day in middle school:** DSKLHFHKDSKLFDKSLJ KL CUUUUTE

**detective hooker taxi:** what!!!!!!! he was a six year old detective with cool gadgets!! i was a six year old who wanted to be a detective with cool gadgets!!!! match made in heaven hello!

**detective hooker taxi:** …

**detective hooker taxi:** i was hoping to bait kokichi with that one but i guess not huh

**detective hooker taxi:** oh well plan B: kaede you’re the only person here who’s petty enough to actually cut their sister’s hair badly. give it up

**purposely cut sister’s hair badly right before picture day in middle school:** OH GOD DAMMIT

**detective hooker taxi:** on top of the fact that amami’s sisters are all younger than him... he’s just too nice to do that

**detective hooker taxi:** he loves them too much. plus most of them went missing while he was in middle school 

**detective hooker taxi:** shinguji’s sister is older than him + he knows the cultural values & aesthetic beauty of hair since he keeps his own hair long

**detective hooker taxi:** so he wouldn’t dare to purposely mess someone else’s haircut up, especially not his own sister’s

**detective hooker taxi:** kokichi or maki… well. kokichi could do that to one of his sisters as a prank, but given what i know about his past, i can safely say that it wasn’t him

**detective hooker taxi:** and maki isn’t the petty type when it comes to little kids

**detective hooker taxi:** TL;DR kaede, you’re the only one here with a twin sister your age who’d have picture day the same day as you, and you’re the only one here who’d feel irritated enough to intentionally mess up her haircut.

_> purposely cut sister’s hair badly right before picture day in middle school changed their name to kaedid i fucking stutter_

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** curse u and your amazing deductive skills

**detective hooker taxi:** lol ;;

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** good job tho ghdskfljs

**didn't actually pay for platinum membership:** you're going to [REDACTED] tsumugi <3 

**mastermind:** sweats. wwhat does that mean 

**didn't actually pay for platinum membership:** it means god is angry :)

**mastermind:** eep

**tried to magically fly and broke their arm:** I WAS THREE 

**used to make yuri amvs to everytime we touch by cascada:** IT'S A GOOD SONG… IM PROUD OF MY WORK

**once ate a piece of chalk thinking it was a candy cigarette:** to be fair i was also drowsy on sleeping meds 

**once did not hold open a door for an elderly lady:** was in a hurry :'( 

_> once did not hold open a door for an elderly lady changed their name to bugs_

**bugs:** but gonta doesn’t want the game to last long, so he’ll change his name right now!

**mastermind:** noooooo

**bugs:** no guessing :D

**mastermind:** where’s the fun in that…

**tried to magically fly and broke their arm:** yknow what? he’s right

_> tried to magically fly and broke their arm changed their name to magic lesbian_

**magic lesbian:** plus it was obvious anyway bc of the magic bit. my insp was peter pan

**used to make yuri amvs to everytime we touch by cascada:** AWWW HIMIKO THAT’S SO CUTE

_> used to make yuri amvs to everytime we touch by cascada changed their name to jock lesbian_

**jock lesbian:** MY GIRLFRIEND IS THE BEST THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TEDTALK

_> once ate a piece of chalk thinking it was a candy cigarette changed their name to fuck echizen_

**fuck echizen:** yall know im the only madlad around here who eats candy cigs anyway

**mastermind:** nooooooooooo stop doing that the game won’t be fun that way :’/ 

**mastermind:** the readers’ll get bored if you guys just all come clean...

**has a tongue piercing:** hhey HOW 

**mastermind:** oop there u are

**has a tongue piercing:** when did you even find this out?????????? and where????

**mastermind:** dark instagram

**has a tongue piercing:** ??

**mastermind:** upupu

**has a tongue piercing:** im not even gonna pretend to understand that reference

**magic lesbian:** not to throw angie under the bus but ;;;;;;

**magic lesbian:** didn’t you mention your religion having a tier list with different memberships like platinum? _@didn't actually pay for platinum membership_

**didn't actually pay for platinum membership:** angie did mention God at some point during this convo, didn’t she. nyahahah L

**__** _> didn't actually pay for platinum membership changed their name to god is watching_

**fuck echizen:** so, amami. are you just gonna sit there and act like you didn’t get kidnapped over jewelry

**fuck echizen:** because the only people here who travel a lot are you and shinguji 

**fuck echizen** and i know deep down in my heart shinguji isn’t stupid enough to get scammed by shiny metal trinkets

**has a tongue piercing:** shinguji’s prob too creepy to get scammed ngl

**has a tongue piercing:** idt scammers would even try to approach him...

**lured by pretty jewelry then got kidnapped in barcelona:** SDLFKHDSLKFJDKSL PLEASE

**__** _> lured by pretty jewelry then got kidnapped in barcelona changed their name to guactaro_

**is married:** wow and here i am stuck with this massive misunderstanding as my nickname 

**is married:** pain in the ass

**thinks radishes are fruit:** wait they're not?? 

**once lost half a nation's treasury over a game of checkers:** No, they're not. which idiot told you that? 

**once lost half a nation’s treasury over a game of checkers:**...and while I’m at it

_> once lost half a nation’s treasury over a game of checkers changed their name to kirumaid_

**kirumaid:** Shirogane, I would suggest coming up with less obvious secrets for some of us if you’d like these sorts of “games” to be fun.

**mastermind:** h

**thinks radishes are fruit: __** _@kirumaid_ idfk who told me i just believe it

**mastermind:** [passionately] ttebayo...

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan's national anthem:** THAT'S ONLY BECCAUSE YOU FUCKIGN TOLD ME IT WAS TSUMUGI HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW 

**mastermind:** perhaps a live audience survey? or oh idk maybe fuckin GOOGLE??? 

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan's national anthem:** IWTHGJDKHSKGK LEAVE ME ALONE YUO KNOW I WASNT BORN OR RAISED IN JAPAN

**mastermind:** you’re still ethnically japanese, though. 

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan’s national anthem:** YEAH HALF

**mastermind:** take note, everyone. normies are one thing, but americans are infinitely worse.

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan's national anthem:** shut thehkfds stfu says the one who always complained that the shows on toonami were english dub whenever you visited over the summer

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan’s national anthem:** you're making me emo

**thinks radishes are fruit:** yeah you're making my bf sad >:(

**mastermind:** at least you can both be stupid together kek

**has a tongue piercing:** who even says kek anymore...

**first crush was kaitou kid:** wooooooow what a hardcore LOSER ghugudk

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan’s national anthem:** …..miu which moron told you that radishes were fruit

**thinks radishes are fruit:** I DONT KNOWWWW IVE JUST ALWAYS FUCKING ASSUMED

**thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan’s national anthem:** and with that i’ve basically revealed myself, but it was already kinda obvious ig

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** DID YOU NOT LEARN A SINGLE THING ABOUT BOTANY…. ABOUT SCIENCE…. AND UR AN INVENTOR. IM ASHAMED

_> thinks radishes are fruit changed their name to 1-800-GET-THIS-DICK_

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** AND YOU KIIBO

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** I KNOW YOUORE “““TECHNICALLY””” AMERICAN BUT LIKE. DUDE. CMON. REALLY???

_> thought naruto shippuden opening 16 was japan’s national anthem changed their name to anti robophobia activist_

**anti robophobia activist:** tch

**anti robophobia activist:** well, kaito, you thought that it was required to eat mcdonalds once a week or else you’d lose “freedom points” at NASA so i guess we’re all even

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** huh?? no i fucking didn’t

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** …. oh my god

**actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi:** KIIBO YOU TrEACHEROUS SNAKE

**anti robophobia activist:** GDSHIHJFDLSKFJKDKSHLF OMGGGG I DIDNT THINK THAT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK

**detective hooker taxi:** KAITO????????????

**jock lesbian:** oh this is HILARIOUS

**is married:** wait so that’s what all that obsessive weightlifting was for back at the beginning of the school year? exercising the gay panic away?

_> actually thought he was straight until he met shuichi changed their name to it’s not gay if it’s in space_

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** OH WOW HAHA iS tHAT JUPITER I SEE?? GOTTA BLAST

**detective hooker taxi:** HOLD ONNNNN 

**is married:** anyway back to my stupid nickname. first off we were like 6 at the time and we’d play house a lot and i was always the dad and she was always the mom

**is married:** this was back when we were at the orphanage and we sealed it with a kiss on the cheek

_> is married changed their name to makill me_

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ok i’m back just to say

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** IM ENGAGING IN ADULTERY… WTF…. HARUMAKI THIS AINT OKAY

**kirumaid:** Oh heavens. The horror. A 16 year old engaging in an adulterous relationship in the 21st century? Quick, wear a scarlet letter on your chest and repent for the rest of your life until you die alone in a straw cottage, you fucking harlot

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** DSKFJKJDSLKHFJHDSLKH FJSD KIRUMI

**makill me:** the ffuck word…

**bugs:** >:O

**fuck echizen:** ghhdflskhfkljfakfl mood toujo

**jock lesbian:** GO OFF KIRUMI HGHDFHKLKSJK

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** i just got fcjcjkingn owned…. tthanks

**magic lesbian:** you just yeeted momota’s wig… 

**jock lesbian:** himiko if u never say that sentence again i’ll take u out for ice cream

**magic lesbian:** i’d do that even if you didn’t offer but k

**jock lesbian:** <33

**magic lesbian:** <333

**mastermind:** lets go lesbians lets go...

**makill me:** MOVING ON…

**makill me:** if you say i was married then ig im also technically a widow bc she’s not here anymore

**guactaro:** :( oh no…

**anti robophobia activist:** aaaahhhh

**mastermind:** oh

**first crush was kaitou kid:** …

**mastermind:** ;;; I’m sorry, Maki

**god is watching:** angie will… pray for her then

**makill me:** it was a long time ago, it’s alright

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** ...i see

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** maki meet me in my room

**makill me:** ? 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** just come here!!!!!!

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** [eyes emoji]

**anti robophobia activist:** DEEP SIGHS leave them alone miu

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** only if you come over to my room too :’(

**anti robophobia activist:** no

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** :’(( 

**anti robophobia activist:** hh

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** i’ll wear a kimono?

**anti robophobia activist:** AAAGHHHH FINE 

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** :3

=

**Iruma Miu > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Miu:** TELL ME 

**Tsumugi:** ??

**Miu:** TELL ME YOU HAVE KIMONOS SOMEWHERE IN THAT BIGASS COSPLAY LAB OF YOURS

**Tsumugi:** i do! but whyever would you need them, iruma? :0 do elaborate!

**Miu:** bitch i will SHANK YOU lemme borrow a fuckign kimono PLEASE

**Tsumugi:** dsklhfjghkldhakflhdk chill i will

**Tsumugi:** it’ll take me a second though i gotta get the eyeball

**Miu:**??? didn’t i tell you to just keep it in your room?

**Tsumugi:** oh yeah but i put it in the mannequin’s right boob compartment 

**Miu:** ????????? why

**Tsumugi:** just to give rantaro a hard time. back when they were all trying to give ouma an intervention remember

**Miu:** was that the day i nearly passed out tryign to finish japanese lit homework??

**Tsumugi:** maybe? idr

**Tsumugi:** amami was nice enough to put it back in the compartment when i asked him to even though he tried giving it back to me directly ;;;

**Miu:** damn weeby… p manipulative + sadistic arent u

**Tsumugi:** eh yeah but it’s kinda funny seeing him try so hard

**Tsumugi:** and then i always get pissed off anyway because he’s still nice about it even when he’s obv annoyed…

**Miu:** wwait so are you an S or an M

**Tsumugi:** i plead the 5th

**Tsumugi:** anyway he’s too restrained… he never really speaks out when he’s upset. sometimes he'll show if he's irritated, but i’ve never seen him burst out in anger or anything 

**Tsumugi:** [at least, not in this universe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256/chapters/49626257)

**Miu:** UGH WHATEVER enough about your stupid ass crush on our class’s resident hot guy GIVE ME. GIMME. KIMONO

**Tsumugi:** once again. i don’t have a crush on him. lmao we’ve Already Been There

**Miu:** KGIOGMDSFNO KIMONON BEFORE KIIBO GETS HERE TSUMGUIGI

**Tsumugi:** mmm at this rate if i get up to climb the mannequin, get the eyeball, climb down, unlock my lab, search through my huge collection to find it, and then get out of my lab to give it to you now 

**Tsumugi:** he’ll just walk in on you while you’re changing. if not miss you entirely

**Miu:** OH COME ON

**Tsumugi:** and this fanfiction is rated T, so no ecchi or perverted stuff allowed!

**Miu:** FUCK YOU WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**anti robophobia activist:** so this is what being Stood Up is like…

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** AAAAAAAAAAGJKHJDSLFJSJG i PROMISE it was NOT INTENTIONAL

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** if little miss MASTERMIND here would’ve just GIVEN ME A KIMONO instead of fucking around

**mastermind:** :p

**anti robophobia activist:** why are you always at the heart of my suffering tsumugi. h

**mastermind:** :3c

**anti robophobia activist:** DO NOT make three-mouth at me

_> guactaro reacted with LOVE to ‘why are you always at the heart of my suffering tsumugi. h’_

**mastermind:** >:3c !! wow ranty rude

**guactaro:** you can blackmail me with miku cosplay fortnite dancing videos as much as you like tsu. i have the most POWERFUL blackmail of all

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Rantaro:** sending it here just in case u think it’s too damning for main

**Rantaro:** [screenshot]

**Tsumugi** : …

**Tsumugi:** if you really think a screenshot of me saying smth as tame as “tiddy hot” is damning 

**Tsumugi:** you’re more of an angel than i thought

**Rantaro:** aw man

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**god is watching:** Just keep in mind, Tsumugi. God has the Greatest Blackmail of all.

**god is watching:** And God is a lot more wrathful and a lot less kind than Rantaro.

**god is watching:** :)

**mastermind:** eeeeeeeek scary

**fuck echizen:** that aside… who’s left?

**has a tongue piercing:** hold up I’m still curious about those miku videos

**guactaro:** AHAHAHA WHAT MIKU VIDEOS??? 

**has a tongue piercing:** amami it says right there th

**guactaro:** you saw nothing.

**has a tongue piercing:** …………………………….k

**has a tongue piercing:** well for one, i’m left over

**first crush was kaitou kid:** and there’s also me

**kirumaid:** Shinguji and Ouma shld be the only ones left, IIRC

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** <3333

**kirumaid:** <33

**jock lesbian:** oh case closed then

**jock lesbian:** since _@has a tongue piercing_ mentioned shinguji in the 3rd person earlier 

**jock lesbian:** he said “shinguji’s prob too creepy to get scammed ngl” that means he can’t be shinguji, so…

**anti robophobia activist:** so ouma has a TONGUE PIERCING??? IM SORRY? SINCE WHEN 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** wait what the FUCK?????

**makill me:** HUH….

**bugs:** GONTA WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS EITHER!!!

**detective hooker taxi:** ...i hate to burst everyone’s bubbles

**detective hooker taxi:** but I’ve personally confirmed before that kokichi does not have a tongue piercing..… so ……………………… .

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** [eyes emoji] ooooOOOOOOOOooOOOO

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** [eyes emoji] SSHU. SPILL THE TEA

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** [eyes emoji] [eggplant emoji] [water droplets emoji]

**detective hooker taxi:** ////////////guygs that’s not the point here ;;

**detective hooker taxi:** focus. this means shinguji purposely typed that way to mislead us 

**has a tongue piercing:** oh, drat. woe is me. you’ve figured out my terrible, no-good plan. /s

**detective hooker taxi:** it was pretty smart of you tbh… if i weren’t dating kokichi i probably wouldn’t have known either

_> has a tongue piercing changed their name to tokyo ghoul_

**tokyo ghoul:** foiled once again by the gay agenda

**mastermind:** new name?

**tokyo ghoul:** shorter to type than insert seesaw joke here + mask reference

**mastermind:** oooo i see

**tokyo ghoul:** speaking of my mask…. how the hell did you know about my piercing. i literally never take my fucking mask off bshifjadsklfhldsaf

**mastermind:** i told u. dark insta

**tokyo ghoul:** i. i dont even HAVE an instagram--

**mastermind:** then u will never know~

**makill me:** back up. this means that ouma had a crush on kaitou kid???

**first crush was kaitou kid:** ….

_> first crush was kaitou kid changed their name to pantakichi_

**detective hooker taxi:** AWWWW

**pantakichi:** SHUT UpHSDdkslfkldjsl

**detective hooker taxi:** THAT’S SO CUTE THOUGH :’D WE MATCHED…. i liked the detective and you liked the phantom thief that’s adorable aahjsdkjkhdfskjlsf

**pantakichi:** …yeah okay that’s p cute

_> mastermind changed their name to tsu53_

**tsu53:** ig the game’s over now. yall boring smh half of yall just changed names w/o even guessing

**guactaro:** It’s What She Deserves™ 

**anti robophobia activist:** ^

**tsu53:** heY MEAN

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** sorry to interrupt but. it’s p late, so i’m going to bed

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** goodnight <3

**kirumaid:** goodnight kaede <3

**kirumaid:** She has the right idea. The new trimester starts tomorrow. it was fun seeing you all again ^^ but do get some rest. I’ll also be going off to bed.

**tsu53:** okayyy

**tsu53:** gn guys~ seeya in class

**guactaro:** nighttt

**anti robophobia activist:** gn

**bugs:** goodnight everyone :D

**god is watching:** night~

**jock lesbian:** night!

**magic lesbian:** ^

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** gn gang [moon emoji]

**makill me:** ^

**fuck echizen:** gn

**tokyo ghoul:** gn

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** night

**pantakichi:** nighty nighttt~

**detective hooker taxi:** goodnight guys!

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact!! himiko's secret is something i actually did as a child.
> 
> name updates-- tokyo ghoul: Shinguji


	11. BONUS 2 - britney spears, texan robots, and psych experiments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **pantakichi:** THE TRUTH IS YOU FUCKIGN KILLED MY BF AND REPLACED HIM WITH A TEXAN ROBOT HUH
> 
> **anti robophobia activist:** HGDSHFKDJSL WHAT NO
> 
> **makill me:** fucking hell bitch this is why saihara’s the detective and not you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **notice:** these are three bonus chapters from the scrapped sequel fic. They continue the story a little bit, but ultimately have nothing to do with original nine chapters and you can ignore them if you'd rather not (technically) end on a cliffhanger.
> 
> im from texas so all i gotta say to this garbage mess is. yeehaw

**magic lesbian:** WHO KEEPS BLASTING MUSIC… IM SLEEPY BUT EVERY TIME MY EYES CLOSE I END UP HEARING STUFFFGUG

**magic lesbian:** I HATE IDOL MUSIC

**fuck echizen:** i tried going to the bathroom and got bombarded with magical girl anime openings. i can’t even fucking pee in this school anymore

**god is watching:** angie kept hearing blasphemous christian gospel music. the only true religion to angie is angie’s religion, so this sucks...

**fuck echizen:** shouldnt ur god know whos doing this if hes a god

**god is watching:** . he’s an art god.

**fuck echizen:** uh huh.

**detective hooker taxi:** GLAD IT’S NOT JUST ME BUT????? WHOEVER IT IS STOP PLAYING EARLY 2000S AMERICAN POP :((((

**detective hooker taxi:** MY EARS ARE CRYING...

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** jokes on them idk any songs released past 1985

**makill me:** ^ his grandparents house was a retro nightmare

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** do the twist harumaki. do the disco. the hustle. the boogie woogie. that’s REAL dance

**pantakichi:** wow so momota chan’s a total fucking loser inside AND out!! :D

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** harumaki help me kill this clown

**makill me:** gladly dear

**pantakichi:** not sure what’s more gross the fact that you wanna kill me over me calling u a loser or the fact that maki called u “dear” completely unironically

**jock lesbian:** WHO IS TORTURING MY HIMIKO”S EARS. I WILL AIKIDO THEM TO DEATH

**tokyo ghoul:** isn’t aikido supposed to be the nonviolent martial art

**jock lesbian:** I WILL AIKIDO THEM TO UNCONSCIOUSNESS

**tokyo ghoul:** ;;;;;;; better

**bugs:** gonta doesn't get what's going on and his ears hurt so he will sleep. goodnight everyone!

**fuck echizen:** u so fukin precious 

**guactaro:** i’d take american throwback pop any day over the fuckgin indiana jones and pirates of the caribbean OSTs everywhere i go

**guactaro:** i tried asking a few upperclassmen but all the music related ones just. aren’t doing this

**guactaro:** sayaka and ibuki both were just like ???????? and i know kaede wouldn’t pull this BS

**tsu53:** a mystery…

_> anti robophobia activist reacted with ANGER to ‘a mystery…’_

**anti robophobia activist:** what are you hiding miss otaku. fess up

**tsu53:** SJDKFDKLSJFKLDS KII IM NOT HIDIGN ANYTHING

**guactaro:** *squints*

**pantakichi:** *squints but in purple*

**anti robophobia activist:** doubt (x)

**tsu53:** IT’S NOT ME THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY

_> anti robophobia activist, guactaro, and pantakichi reacted with PENSIVE to ‘IT’S NOT ME THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY’_

**tokyo ghoul:** in many cultures this sort of scenario is similar to “the boy who cried wolf”

**tsu53:** who the fuck are you calling a wolf. I AM NOT BEHIND THIS RIDICULOUS MUSIC 

**tsu53:** in fact i am being MOCKED because i keep hearing every single basic-ass normie band from one ok rock to maroon 5 i’m TIRED

**1-800-GET-THIS-DICK:** well you are “““plain””” after all lmaoo

_> guactaro, anti robophobia activist, kaedid i fucking stutter, fuck echizen, tokyo ghoul, and pantakichi reacted with LAUGHTER and THUMBS UP to ‘well you are “““plain””” after all lmaoo’_

**tsu53:** bullying!!!!!!!!! you are all bullying me >:’(

**tsu53:** the tsumuphobia jumped out

**detective hooker taxi:** if i hear britney spears seductive voice telling me that i’m toxic again i will face god and walk backwards into hell

**god is watching:** shuichi you can’t do that!!! >:(

**detective hooker taxi:** aaaa sorry angie that was insensitive

**god is watching:** the rituals say you gotta wear lava-proof moon shoes first!!

**detective hooker taxi:** bro why do i bother.

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** MOON SHOESSSSSS

**makill me:** dont those things break ur ankles

**tsu53:** LIKE AKASHI SEIJUROU FROM KUROKO NO BASKET [weary emoji] [ok hand emoji]

**jock lesbian:** calm ur thirst he’s just a redhead anime degenerate male

**tsu53:** SHUSH HES SO COOL HE”S SUPER OP BUT HE HAS A TRAGIC BACKSTORY AND ALSO A SPLIT PERSONALITY AND HE’S RICH AND SMART

**magic lesbian:** didn’t he cause severe mental trauma to like all five of his closest friends and kuroko’s childhood friend before they all separated 

**tokyo ghoul:** it’s a pretty bad representation of those with mental disorders ngl ;;

**fuck echizen:** ^^

**tsu53:** OK BUT HES HOT 

**guactaro:** aaaand there it is…

**magic lesbian:** can we get back on topic. who is blasting music throughout the school.

**detective hooker taxi:** FOR THE LAST TIME

**detective hooker taxi:** I DONT WANNA HEAR EARLY 2000S POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**magic lesbian:** aw man saihara’s dealing with it too

**detective hooker taxi:** I KNOW IT’S ONE OF YALL TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!!!!!!!!

**pantakichi:** aw babe why :(

**pantakichi:** wait what the FUCK SHU YOU’RE A COWBOY????? 

**it’s not gay if it’s in space:** the yall gene has spread...

**pantakichi:** _@anti robophobia activist_ bitch you and your american ass did this to him get tf over here

**anti robophobia activist:** kokichi i’m from LA 

**anti robophobia activist:** not yeehaw yeet yaint cowboy town, texas. i don’t say “yall”

**pantakichi:** BULLSHIT! I WILL CUT THROUGH THOSE LIES

**tsu53:** oh boy class trial minigames

**jock lesbian:** huh? wym

**pantakichi:** THE EVIDENCE IS RIGHT HERE… SHUICHI SAID YALL. AND ALSO SHIT.

**tsu53:** truth bullet time~ 

_> guactaro reacted with THUMBS DOWN to ‘truth bullet time~’ _

**guactaro:** _@tsu53_ please

**pantakichi:** AND THAT TOO OVER TEXT?? HE’S NEVER THIS CRASS. 

**pantakichi:** THE TRUTH IS YOU FUCKIGN KILLED MY BF AND REPLACED HIM WITH A TEXAN ROBOT HUH

**anti robophobia activist:** HGDSHFKDJSL WHAT NO

**makill me:** fucking hell bitch this is why saihara’s the detective and not you

**detective hooker taxi:** ko i had coffee earlier and i’m tired as fuck that’s it

**pantakichi:** aw babe you should’ve said so! here i’ll switch it over to mozart’s top 10,000 classical hits

**detective hooker taxi:** KDFLDSJFKDSKLFKJLDS F WOW SO IT WAS YOU HUH

**detective hooker taxi:** THE WHOLE TIME

**pantakichi:** nishishi

**tsu53:** no it’s not you liar you’re not even in your room

**tsu53:** i can SEE U in the cafeteria

**pantakichi:** wow creep >:p

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** first off mozart only has around 600 compositions

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** second of all. SHUT UP AND GO SLEEP ALL OF YOU

**pantakichi:** yikes ok

**detective hooker taxi:** ;;; sorry kaede

**tsu53:** eep

**kirumaid:** Kaede is also tired and cranky because you lot refuse to sleep. I shall take her to her room, so please obey her for the time being. She does a lot for you all as our class rep. The music is bothering both of us as well, but we don’t have much of a choice

**anti robophobia activist:** hhhh okay ;;;

=

**Amami Rantaro > Shirogane Tsumugi**

**Rantaro:** is it Really not u

**Tsumugi:** it’s not

**Rantaro:** oh wow surprising

**Tsumugi:** i hate u >:p

**Rantaro:** aw <3

**Rantaro:** t’s weird tho literally who else could get music to play around where we are and have it tailored to be genres we specifically hate

**Rantaro:** hm.

**Tsumugi:** hm?

**Rantaro:** i have a hunch 

**Tsumugi:** do tell

**Rantaro:** keyword hunch so i’ll operate solo

**Tsumugi:** you’ll operate solo plus tsumugi. gimme details

**Rantaro:** you could get hurt

**Tsumugi:** we’re in hope’s peak academy what’s the worst that could happen

**Rantaro:** did you even read what you just typed

**Tsumugi:** ….. ;;;;;; yeah ok well

**Rantaro:** you know the ultimate neurologist

**Tsumugi:** matsuda senpai? ya

**Tsumugi:** he was involved with mukuro senpai and that one model who died like two ish years ago right

**Rantaro:** well music is typically used in psych experiments and he’s a neurologist soooo

**Rantaro:** and if it’s tailored to us individually… maybe he’s monitoring our responses to music we hate? as part of research for his talent

**Tsumugi:** valid. maybe ask kirigiri senpai if she can ask the principal??

**Rantaro:** ya i’ll see if i can get jin to look into it if i can’t reach matsuda senpai first

**Tsumugi:** you call the principal by his first name??????? 

**Rantaro:** he’s a homie

**Tsumugi:** gag

**Tsumugi:** well then idc you can operate solo if u want. gl

**Rantaro:** thx

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**anti robophobia activist:** DEATH METAL. SCREAMO. KILL ME

**kirumaid:** yes?

**anti robophobia activist:** I SAID KILL ME NOT KIRUMI

**kirumaid:** ah, my mistake

**tokyo ghoul:** and thus the fuckening begins

**tokyo ghoul:** i myself don’t hear anything. i appreciate all music genres as an aspect of human culture, after all.

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** DID YOU NOT HEAR ME TELL EVERYONE TO SLEEP IIDABASHI KIICHIRO, ULTIMATE ROBOTICIST OF HOPE’S PEAK CLASS 79-A, ORIGINALLY FROM LOS ANGELES, MOVED TO TOKYO WITH HIS INVENTOR FATHER IIDABASHI YUUTARO, CURRENTLY LIVES IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX IN THTHGHSFDG

**anti robophobia activist:** SSORYR

**makill me:** doxxing threat skills need work

**kirumaid:** that’s illegal ;;;

**detective hooker taxi:** flexing on us victims huh kiyo

**tokyo ghoul:** twas not my intention

**detective hooker taxi:** joking ahahh

**detective hooker taxi:** guys i’m gonna hear justin timberlake in my nightmares

=

**Amami Rantaro > Matsuda Yasuke**

**Rantaro:** so.

**Yasuke:** first year.

**Rantaro:** are you..?

**Yasuke:** yes.

**Rantaro:** ;;;;;;;; can you. perhaps. st

**Yasuke:** no

**Rantaro:** pl

**Yasuke:** Jin gave me permission but if you need me to stop i can end data collecting in two days instead of next week. This school’s fucked so I don’t usually contribute a lot to its research

**Rantaro:** i’ll take what i can get thx. indiana jones music sucks btw -10000/10

**Yasuke:** noted

**Rantaro:** why this btw. torturing everyone here w music they hate

**Yasuke:** in honor of... a certain psychologist i knew. in another life. she was a bitch but she was my bitch

**Rantaro:** uhh elaborate senpai? what does that mean

**Yasuke:** fuck off

**Rantaro:** ahaha… cryptic and rude...

**Yasuke:** That plus sarcastic are allegedly my only three personality traits in the light novels. In the anime I had a two second cameo in front of a window

**Rantaro:** smfh tsumugi would have a field day with you

**Yasuke:** yeah... Junko did too

**Yasuke:** k bye

**Rantaro:** thanks for your service ttyl gn

=

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**guactaro:** music should stop after two days. don’t thank me

**pantakichi:** wow thank u my beloved rantaro [sneeze emoji]

**detective hooker taxi:** (._.)

**pantakichi:** AW HISdfklkdjs come over we can watch a comedy

**detective hooker taxi:** <3

**detective hooker taxi:** really though thank you amami!

**anti robophobia activist:** thank you amami!!!

**tsu53:** [sarcastic thanks obama voice] thaaaanks amami

**guactaro:** ahahah it’s nothing ;;;

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** SLEEP… NOW… 

**pantakichi:** hey hey kaede what DO you hear

**detective hooker taxi:** ko now isn’t the t ime

**detective hooker taxi:** GHDSKLJLFDSJLKF{EUTUW

**guactaro:** AUGHODSKFLJDS WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE

**tsu53:** THAT FUCIGN SCARED ME TOO W

**kaedid i fucking stutter:** I HEAR TRAP BEATS OUMA. NOW SLEEP BEFORE I ATTACK AGAIN

**pantakichi:** attack on piano…

**pantakichi:** OKOK YIKES GOODNIGHTTTT

**tsu53:** gn

**guactaro:** night ;;

**detective hooker taxi:** ;;;; gn everyone

**detective hooker taxi:** we’ll see sooner or later if the music really stops.

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> name updates-- tokyo ghoul: Shinguji


	12. BONUS 3 - robbery dates, chaotic idiocy, and bands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Rantaro:** i made this chat so we could START A BOYBAND not rank the girls based on how annoying they are and talk about sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **notice:** these are three bonus chapters from the scrapped sequel fic. They continue the story a little bit, but ultimately have nothing to do with original nine chapters and you can ignore them if you'd rather not (technically) end on a cliffhanger.
> 
> There are no mentions of sex or any actual explicit sex occurring in this chapter, underage or otherwise, but if references to generally weird or nsfw topics (kinks, topping, strap ons, underwear, etc.) gross you out, you might wanna skip some sections. Teenagers, I figured, especially when divided between girls and boys, would be the type to talk about absolutely ridiculous shit, rife with innuendo and stupidity.

**ultimate disaster squad 6942053**

**magic lesbian:** THE MSUIC STOPPED.... EXACTLY TWO DAYS LATER… BLESS

**god is watching:** all thanks to god~

**god is watching:** and rantaro~

**guactaro:** ahaha it’s np guys

**jock lesbian:** at last we are Free

**guactaro:** ?? nobody else is online huh…

**jock lesbian:** the three of us got permission to do talent workshop stuff but the rest of class has to stay in for normal lessons

**magic lesbian:** ^

**magic lesbian:** nyehh it’s kinda nice not being around so many loud people

**jock lesbian:** :’x

**magic lesbian:** not u!!!!! tenko ily

**jock lesbian:** :D

**guactaro:** idk whats going on but rock on you funky lesbians

**guactaro:** i got lost around some of our upperclassmens classrooms so im. unintentionally skipping lol

**magic lesbian:** dude

**jock lesbian:** …

**god is watching:** nyahahha!!!!! if you get platinum membership to angie’s religion, god will throw in a free compass just for u rantaro!!

**guactaro:** hmm

**god is watching:** it’s only 247 easy payments of $19.99 USD!! buy now and angie will give u an additional campus map for free!!

**guactaro:** hm okay cool! i’ll take it

**jock lesbian:** HUH

**magic lesbian:** rich people…

**jock lesbian:** this is what i mean when i say degenerates don’t have brain cells

**jock lesbian:** if togami senpai heard this he’d faint on the spot…

**magic lesbian:** angie should be the ultimate saleswoman or something

**jock lesbian:** coughs ~~ultimate con artist~~ coughs ~~or scammer~~

**god is watching:** hm? :) Tenko? :)

**jock lesbian:** eeeeeeeek

**guactaro:** FINALLY found my credit card

**magic lesbian:** ??? you’re rich anyway what took you so long

**guactaro:** oh no i was looking specifically for the credit card that i use for sketchy stuff like this

**guactaro:** my dad would get mad if i used it on my other main ones ahaha ;;;

**magic lesbian:** main ONES?? PLURAL????

**jock lesbian:** himiko we haven’t been on a date in a while. let’s rob amami together

**guactaro:** as long as you don’t kidnap my sisters or anything it’s fine lmao

**guactaro:** i have a few antique vases in the family mansion i don’t really want? like four or five. and some other fancy expensive stuff in my room that my aunt keeps giving me

**guactaro:** they should be worth at least 10 million yen each

**magic lesbian:** holy shit

**magic lesbian:** didn’t shirogane say there was an anime like this. host club something

**jock lesbian:** idr but [eyes emoji] expensive vvases… 50 million yen total? H

**guactaro:** i’m not a fan of my dad but he doesn’t like em either so if they “““““accidentally””” disappear it’ll be chill

**jock lesbian:** comrade amami [sob emoji]

**god is watching:** if you guys blow up angie’s phone she won’t be able to focus on her sculptures >:c

**guactaro:** aaaaa sorry!!! you can mute us then

**guactaro:** this whole music thing’s giving me an idea anyway [eyes emoji]

=

_> Rantaro Amami has added Kokichi Ouma, Ryouma Hoshi, and five others_

_> Rantaro Amami changed the group name to Join My Emo Boyband_

**Rantaro:** and now we wait for class to end

**Rantaro** : for the record Join My Emo Boyband flowed better than Join My Emo BoyAndThreeNonbinaryFellas Band

**Kiichiro:** either way thx for the rep

_> Rantaro Amami and Korekiyo Shinguji LIKED ‘either way thx for the rep’_

**Ryouma:** lol cute. Can i leave

**Rantaro:** no!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shuichi:** haha what is this 

**Kaito:** dude where were you in class today lmao

**Rantaro:** got lost again kfjdksljfds

**Kaito:** bro,,, we’re almost 2nd years how do u not know hopes peaks layout yet

**Kokichi:** ooo ranty :3c boy band?? 

**Rantaro:** normally i’d kick you for that but i’m in a relatively cheerful mood so i’ll let it slide

**Rantaro:** welcome class 79A boys!!!! we are indeed starting a boy band 

**Kiichiro:** !!!! THAT SOUNDS FUN :D

**Gonta:** Gonta agrees! :D

**Korekiyo:** oh, lovely. i play a mean triangle

**Kokichi:** triangle???? the one that just goes ‘ting’ every few seconds???? boooooringggg

**Korekiyo:** I can also play an ancient wooden flute. A very arduous craft to learn. Legend says that if the musician is angry, the music that comes out will curse the ears of those who listen

**Kokichi:** snooooree

**Korekiyo:** I know enough shibari rope tying techniques that I can keep you in one place and force you to hear it, Ouma. Do not test me.

**Kokichi:** haha!! sorry not my kink xo

**Kokichi:** and i’m sure shu isn’t into NTR either, but you neeeever know~<3

**Shuichi:** you know i am not, never have been, and never will be into that

**Gonta:** gonta is a bit scared to ask what this all means

**Kiichiro:** if you go to miu she’d explain it to you in excruciating detail 

**Gonta:** okay.... maybe gonta will go ask

**Kiichiro:** but i’d strongly warn againsSTOP NO ABORT MISSION DONOT GDO THAT GONTA

**Kokichi:** SHDKLFKJDSLKDSJJKFLS

**Shuichi:** NOOOOO GONTA

**Gonta:** ? okay gonta will stay here

**Shuichi:** kokichi!!!!!!! gughDGSJKF!!!!!!

**Kokichi:** see? this is entertaining

**Gonta:** gonta never really knows what to do with all of you, but he loves you all!!

**Shuichi:** you are so sweet. please teach my gremlin

**Kokichi:** >:3c

**Korekiyo:** “my” 

**Ryouma:** [eyes emoji]

**Kaito:** gaaaaaaaaaay

**Shuichi:** conversation over new topic now!!!

**Rantaro:** If you make those kinds of dirty jokes here again I really WILL kick you Ouma :)

**Kaito:** yall DISASTERS 

**Kaito:** anyway amami why the sudden interest in boy bands

**Rantaro:** welll the whole music thing for over 2 days just kinda. got me wonderin

**Rantaro:** what if we made our Own music that we actually liked? 

**Rantaro:** since we’re all good at our talents anyway + the author wanted SoL/humor stuff to make up for [our suffering in another universe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256/chapters/49626257)

**Ryouma:** i am BEGGING you to stop hanging out with shirogane

**Kiichiro:** ^

_> Kokichi Ouma, Kiichiro Iidabashi, and Korekiyo Shinguji LIKED “i am BEGGING you to stop hanging out with shirogane”_

**Rantaro:** aww she’s not that bad

**Kaito:** [violent coughing] DOUBT (X)

**Gonta:** all our friends are nice :(

**Shuichi:** ;;;;;;

**Shuichi:** hey speaking of shirogane. why is every girl in this school either super annoying or a top

**Rantaro:** SHDGJFKLHDSJFLJDSFKHDSJLFKDJSLLJS SAIHARA

**Kaito:** SDBKFHDSJLFKDSJL BRO ILY BUT YOU CANT JUST SA Y THAT

**Kokichi:** me, gay, loudly chewing popcorn thru a megaphone: he’s right let him speak

**Korekiyo:** i’m intrigued pls explain

**Gonta:** girls are a bit strange but they’re very nice! all good ladies :(

**Ryouma:** Gonta it’s great that you love everyone but sometimes weirdness has 2 be addressed

**Kiichiro:** literally just reading that sentence i got incredible flashbacks to EVERY interaction i’ve had with a girl at this school im so

**Kiichiro:** alright saihara bring out the list

**Shuichi:** literally i spent time thinking about this & writing it in my diary complete with analysis on each girl

**Korekiyo:** omfg

**Shuichi:** i have a lot of overthink in my brain and not enough tasks to distract me from it [pensive emoji]

**Shuichi:** now before i show a summary of this list you all have to PROMISE ME that you won’t show this to any of them hghgsdkl i might die under mysterious circumstances if they see

**Rantaro:** we promise!!! 

_> Kaito Momota, Gonta Gokuhara, Kiichiro Iidabashi, and three others LIKED ‘we promise!!!’_

**Shuichi:** alright from our class alone we have

**Shuichi:** super annoying: iruma, yumeno, chabashira, shirogane

**Shuichi:** tops: kaede, toujo, maki, angie

**Korekiyo:** wow. that actually checks out

**Kiichiro:** sure miu’s annoying but have u considered that i love her very much [triumph emoji]

**Kokichi:** ewww go be sappy straights somewhere else

**Kiichiro:** NEITHER OF US ARE STRAIGHT OUMA

**Kokichi:** bleeeghghg!!! my gay brain cells shrivel just thinking about your heterosexuality!!!!!!!!!! cough cough im dying kiiboy!!! ur killing me via straight!!!!

**Kiichiro:** YOURE SO RUDE SGHDGJKL SHUT

**Kaito:** thx shu it’s what maki deserves [pensive emoji]

**Rantaro:** man as tsumugi’s friend i wanna argue but you’re not even wrong bsdhkfhdsl

**Ryouma:** hold up angie’s a top??????? doesn’t sound right

**Korekiyo:** oh no it’s right i can attest to that

**Rantaro:** WH

**Gonta:** [eyes emoji] 

**Gonta:** everyone uses this emoji when they’re curious, right?

**Kokichi:** even our bby gonta is learning meme speak aw

**Kokichi:** gonta repeat after me

**Gonta:** okay!

**Kokichi:** You’re SO woke fam. Your vibes are bae and your dabbing technique is lit. I’m gonna whip and nae nae because I had to do it to em

**Gonta:** You’re SO woke fam. Your vibes are bae and your dabbing technique is lit. I’m gonna whip and nae nae because I had to do it to em

**Shuichi:** Kokichi.

**Kokichi:** SCREENSHOTTED LMAOOOo kay

**Korekiyo:** anyway. angie is a top. no you cannot change my mind

**Kaito:** explain man i thought for SURE she would’ve been under the first category

**Korekiyo:** so yukizome sensei encouraged us to sit wherever we liked instead of alphabetically because Talented Kids Need Enriching Environments

**Kaito:** yeah that was back in like. october

**Korekiyo:** mhm this was shortly afterwards

**Korekiyo:** that one time i hit angie in the back of the head with a paper airplane and then she immediately turned around and stabbed me through the hand with her pencil

**Kiichiro:** [grimacing emoji] YIKES

**Kaito:** BRO THAT’S WHY YOU HAD THOSE EXTRA BANDAGES ON UR HAND FOR A WEEK???? DSKLFJDSLKJ

**Korekiyo:** yes. in fact i still have pencil lead scar there

**Korekiyo:** perhaps she can be irritating at times, but that is, as they say, “BDE” right there

**Kokichi:** HDSKLFJDLSKFJDSLK

**Shuichi:** anyway yeah that ^ was the deciding factor in angie being in the tops category instead. hers was particularly hard for me to debate

**Shuichi:** as for some of our upperclassmen ;;;

**Kiichiro:** hold on, let me guess. 

**Kiichiro:** super annoying: sayaka, aoi, touko, that one model who died (I’ve heard some rumors), hiyoko, ibuki, mikan, akane

**Shuichi:** DSJKSKDJFLdgk

**Kiichiro:** tops: mukuro, celeste, kirigiri, mahiru, peko, chiaki, sonia 

**Shuichi:** SHUT UP HOW DID UHTJDKLFHLJDF

**Ryouma:** kiibo’s Always right

**Kokichi:** OHHH IS THIS BC KIRIGIRI LIKE. WALL SLAMMED NAEGI SENPIAIGHGDSK THAT ONE TIME

**Shuichi:** i mean YEAH but there’s also just how she Is in general

**Kokichi:** ngl it was kinda cute his face was all red

**Kiichiro:** YOU THINK THAT’S CUTE BUT YOU CALL ME AND MIU STRAIGHT… OK MR DOUBLE STANDARDS

**Kokichi:** i wasn’t calling Them cute i was calling naegi senpai cute in a gay way because i’m a flaming homosexual kiiboy pdbdbbtbth

**Korekiyo:** strange. nanami senpai and sonia senpai don’t strike me as tops

**Kiichiro:** saw souda senpai’s phone once while we were working on robots together & apparently in their class groupchat sonia’s nickname is literally “strap on sonia”

**Korekiyo:** DSKBJ FLHLDGSKFHDSFKLDSKJLDSKJLFDSKJ

**Ryouma:** oh my god

**Rantaro:** WHY….

**Gonta:** what is a strap on…

**Kiichiro:** no need for you to worry about that gonta

**Kokichi:** oh i’m SURE miu educated YOU on what those are VERY THOROUGHLY kiiboy [eyebrow waggle]

**Kiichiro:** i’m not a BABY and miu and i don’t do stuff like that okay?!??! i know what strap ons are

**Gonta:** then gonta is a baby for not knowing? >:( gonta is a gentleman, not a baby!!

**Kiichiro:** NNO that’s not what i meant i just

**Kokichi:** nishishihiiiii

**Kiichiro:** [redacted] you

**Gonta:** you can say the word fuck if you want, kiibo. gonta is a little dumb and slow, but he isn’t stupid

**Kiichiro:** thank you gonta. and i’m sorry for making you feel left out or infantilized in any way

**Gonta:** apology accepted! C:

**Kiichiro:** good. now kokichi? fuck you

**Kokichi:** IM CYRUIJHGJDSJLdjlgdlg 

**Korekiyo:** _@Gonta Gokuhara_ rather than ask any of us or heaven forbid any of the girls I think it would be best to open up an Incognito Mode tab on a browser and then search it up. On your phone

**Gonta:** okay

**Ryouma:** and now we wait.

**Gonta:** that was strange... but as long as these are used consensually, gonta thinks it is gentlemanly and okay

**Korekiyo:** it’s official gang. strap ons are now Gentleman Approved™ 

**Kaito:** okay but if sonia senpai’s nickname is smth like that wb chiaki senpai?? why’s she a top

**Kiichiro:** “tops komaeda’s boyfriend”

**Rantaro:** NOOOOOOOO

**Kaito:** SKDLFJDKLJLFJSL BRO????? BRO???!?!? PLEASE TELL ME UR JOKGINGH

**Kiichiro:** allegedly she meant “in gaming” bc she always beats him when they play multiplayer games 

**Kiichiro:** and souda senpai told me she could be p oblivious to nsfw references

**Kiichiro:** but the innuendo stuck and she’s never bothered to change the nickname soooo

**Rantaro:** nooooooo please,,,, 

**Ryouma:** gamer grill...

**Shuichi:** the only reason i knew about this is bc i talk to chiaki senpai a lot and she literally just told me to my face that she topped some dude called hinata-kun 

**Korekiyo:** oh mynghbjdfkhlsfj

**Shuichi:** can u guys imagine. you’re playing videogames with an upperclassman. same old same old. and then she just turns around looks you dead in the eye and tells you she topped some guy.

**Kokichi:** SDHKLFJLDSFJDLSFKLDSKHGLBJLDKNFS;

**Kaito:** man you’re right. the girls here are weird as fuck

**Shuichi:** right?!?!?!??!?! 

**Kiichiro:** somehow miu has made me immune to this kinda thing. at first i was confused but now i’m vaguely grateful

**Gonta:** so tops means That role!!! not like the spinning kind! gonta gets it now [thinking emoji]

**Shuichi:** ha….hahaha..,nhdhkfl

**Ryouma:** i hated talking about this sorta nsfw stuff on the main class chat but. lowkey it’s refreshing how open we can be here

**Rantaro:** i made this chat so we could START A BOYBAND not rank the girls based on how annoying they are and talk about sex

**Kokichi:** this is way more entertaining though bshdkfjlds

**Rantaro:** we’ve sidetracked WAY too much can we pls,,,,

**Ryouma:** yeah ok valid explain ur boyband plan

**Rantaro:** maybe not like. idol type stuff bc that’d be annoyin

**Kokichi:** awww i wanted to be the token cutesy shota guy >:((

**Shuichi:** no you didn’t you hate that shit

**Kokichi:** lmao busted~

**Rantaro:** yeah no i’m not into those dynamics

**Kaito:** what. leader guy, leader’s hotheaded rival guy, cool guy, shota guy, and nice mom friend guy?

**Ryouma:** lowkey we have that but we’re all Just the right amount of stupidly weird that it wouldn’t work

**Gonta:** oh!! Saihara is leader, Momota is rival, Shinguji is cool guy, Ouma or Hoshi is short guy, and Amami is nice mom friend!

**Korekiyo:** im

**Korekiyo:** you think i’m cool?????

**Gonta:** of course!!!! shinguji is very cool and smart 

**Korekiyo:** a

**Rantaro:** anyway yeah that doesn’t fit with us + it’s too generic bc it only includes five people and we’re gonna have ALL EIGHT of us 

**Shuichi:** pls no i suck at singing and dancing

**Kiichiro:** i can sing then!!! i’ve always loved the arts

**Kokichi:** kiiboy your singing’s SO bad that it makes my ears literally bleed and it’ll kill half the human population and destroy all alien life because it’s so shitty and bad

**Kiichiro:** shut up!!!!!!! i know i don’t sound THAT bad i probably sound fine

**Shuichi:** you sang for me once and i literally threw up in front of you?????????

**Kiichiro:** ...because it was good, right?

**Kaito:** and here everyone’s calling ME the densest guy in class [clown emoji]

**Rantaro:** so we’ll have some vocals and some intsruments and !!!!!! [wild hand gesturing] IT’LL WORK

**Kiichiro:** tchhh fine i can play piano

**Gonta:** :0 you do?

**Kiichiro:** i mean i’m not akamatsu level but i Can play

**Gonta:** gonta can do drums :D

**Kaito:** i like to think my singing voice is decent

**Kokichi:** try again himbo you sound like a drowning cat

**Kaito:** FUCK OFF MY SINGINGS FINE 

**Kaito:** AND IM NOT A HIMBO 

**Shuichi:** ……

**Kaito:** Shuichi Saihara.

**Shuichi:** I MEANNNNN,,,,, YOU’RE DEFINITELY BUFF ENOUGH

**Korekiyo:** No, no. This is all wrong. Momota is more of a twunk if we’re to describe him faithfully

**Gonta:** oh!! Iruma has mentioned this himbo thing before

**Gonta:** this means Gonta would be the real himbo, right? 

**Kaito:** ALLA YALL ARE TRAITORS SMFH

**Rantaro:** okay so momota can be backup vocals, gonta is drums, kiibo is keyboards

**Ryouma:** i play a mean trombone

**Korekiyo:** [raises hand] i can do ancient flute or a triangle, whichever you prefer

**Rantaro:** hoshi and shinguji will do Precisely what they said

**Rantaro:** hmm who else is left. I can sing and dance i’ve had classes since i was a kid

**Kokichi:** wow. mr moneybags flexing

**Rantaro:** ;;;; i’m not perfect or anything

**Rantaro:** and besides you know how to dance too shdklfds

**Shuichi:** ?

**Kokichi:** ……

**Shuichi:** ??!?!?!??!?! Kokichi???

**Rantaro:** wait crap

**Kokichi:** Yeah I did those street dance battle things for a while bc it raked in more cash at once than pickpocketing

**Ryouma:**??

**Korekiyo:** what

**Gonta:** :O ??

**Shuichi:** ah you mean back when ,,,

**Kiichiro:** back when what

**Kokichi:** the younger kids got into it too after a while and then we staged our own dance battles here and there

**Kokichi:** we packed it up eventually but gee. I’ve only told One person about this, and he even deleted all the videos of it off the net so nobody else would know

**Kokichi:** And that One person wasn’t ranty, so I wonder how else he could’ve found out :) 

**Rantaro:** sweats

**Kokichi:** :))))) jin’s gonna catch my fucking hands next time i see him

**Kiichiro:** ???? you call the principal by his first name??

**Rantaro:** i do too lmao he’s a homie

**Kokichi:** *was

**Rantaro:** okay but!!!! ouma you can dance

**Kokichi:** nishishi~ i prefer to call it violent spasming of the limbs <3

**Rantaro:** you can dance

**Rantaro:** and so can I. momota and i can do vocals too which leaves one person.

**Shuichi:** h

**Rantaro:** saihara pleeeeeease

**Shuichi:** i’m really not good at anything music-wise you’d be better off leaving me out of this

**Shuichi:** unless like. if there’s like a murder mystery going on or like someone just found out their s/o was cheating i can investigate it

**Kaito:** what. like in the middle of a performance?

**Shuichi:** yeah like. you guys are playing a tune and then someone screams Oh No I Think My Husband’s An Adulterer!!!!!! and then i come out from behind the curtains like Don’t Worry. It’s At Last My Time To Shine

**Kokichi:** hdskfldsjfdsjkdlsjkd 

**Korekiyo:** that’d be sort of concerning irl

**Rantaro:** pls :(

**Shuichi:** frowny faces don’t work on me amami ://

**Rantaro:** :(( ?

**Shuichi:** no

**Kokichi:** :(

**Shuichi:** HHHH FINE

**Rantaro:** wh

**Rantaro:** yknow what. as long as it worked it’s fine

**Rantaro:** this band is now officially in business!!!! we can come up with music and practice and stuff whenever

**Kaito:** band name?

**Rantaro:** hm. we can thikn of it later!!

**Ryouma:** Amami’s Emo Band can work as a placeholder for now

_> Rantaro Amami, Shuichi Saihara, Kaito Momota, and four others LIKED ‘Amami’s Emo Band can work as a placeholder for now’_

**Rantaro:** seeya guys in class tmr then!

**Kaito:** ;; if you don’t get lost again

**Rantaro:** it’s okay angie’s giving me a compass and a map of campus later sfkdls

**Korekiyo:** hm. speaking of angie, I wonder where all the girls are? I haven’t heard from any of them even on the main chat since class ended.

**Shuichi:** Huh… you’re right, that’s definitely strange

**Kiichiro:** what could they be up to?

**Kokichi:** what indeed… 

=

_> Angie has added Tenko, Himiko, and five others_

_> Angie changed the group name to God’s Gucci Girl Gang_

**Angie:** nyahahahahahagahhgjdkslfjdjlsk welcome!!!!!!

**Angie:** God told me in a premonition that rantaro would be making a boys-only group chat, so angie figured she’d make a girl one too!

**Tsumugi:** that was the author…

**Angie:** hm? no, it was god!

**Tsumugi:** the author of this fic??

**Angie:** God :)

**Tsumugi:** or maybe oum-- okay ;;;

**Kaede:** ooooh this looks fun!! :D

**Kirumi:** It does seem lively. 

**Maki:** yall won’t be offended if i mute this right

**Tenko:** GIRLS…. HEAVEN…

**Himiko:** easy there tenko

**Tenko:** i see momota’s yall-ing has rubbed off on harukawa as well [sad cowboy emoji]

**Miu:** THIS IS GREAT WE CAN HAVE ADULT GIRL TALK NOW >:D

**Kirumi:** Absolutely Not.

_> Maki Harukawa, Tenko Chabashira, and Himiko Yumeno LIKED ‘Absolutely Not.’_

**Miu:** hhhhhiiii

**Kaede:** welllll we could always just chitchat! like about inane things

**Kirumi:** I’m afraid I can’t really talk as much. I have to go do my laundry today

**Kaede:** ahhh :(

**Kirumi:** I’m sorry dear. you know how strict this school is about doing the laundry on designated days…

_> Kaede Akamatsu reacted with SAD FACE to ‘I’m sorry dear. you know how strict this school is about doing the laundry on designated days…’_

**Tenko:** And Then They Were Dears [sob emoji]

**Angie:** ehehehe cuuuuuute

**Kirumi:** <3

**Kaede:** <3

**Miu:** hm speaking of laundry. what days does everyone do theirs

**Kirumi:** ?! we’re almost second years, Iruma. How do you not have this memorized?

**Kaede:** here dw i got it 

**Kaede:** [image screenshot]

**Miu:** hm so it’s one boy and one girl from each class every day of the week except saturday, when it’s two pairs of people.

**Miu:** Mondays are Saihara, Tuesdays are Kiibo, Wednesdays are Momota, Thursdays are Ouma, Fridays are Amami, Saturdays are Gonta and Hoshi, and Sundays are Shinguji.

**Tenko:** i’m so scared why did you only list the boys

**Miu:** WE KNOW WHAT ALL OF THEIR UNDERWEAR LOOKS LIKE RIGHT? 

**Miu:** LET’S RANK THEM FROM MOST TO LEAST SEXY

**Tsumugi:** how about No

_> Maki Harukawa, Kirumi Toujo, Tenko Chabashira, and one other LIKED ‘how about No’_

**Maki:** cannot BELIEVE i’m about to agree with shirogane but what the fuck is wrong with you

**Miu:** come onnnnnnnn this is the most tame thing i could think of!!!!!

**Kaede:** embarrassin but i’d rather rank the girls :(

**Kirumi:** ;;;;;; kaede…

**Kaede:** well! it’s definitely weird and kinda gross but it could be fun?

**Miu:** ‘sides if the boys really do have their own group chat they’ve prolly already talked about some stupid horny pervy shit right

**Miu:** it wouldn’t be fair if we couldn’t do it too :’(

**Tenko:** degenerate males are said to talk about sex and stuff when in groups…. okay! 

**Himiko:** KJDFKLDJSFKDSLJLFHWHTT!!? THAT WAS A FAST TURNAROUND

**Maki:** your logic is shit and your mind is shittier

**Miu:** you’re just jealous because my boyfriend’s underwear is hotter than yours! >:p

**Maki:** WHAT KIND OF REACH--

**Angie:** huuuuh no way!!!! rantaro’s underwear looks like it’s super high quality and the design is artistic and sensible too!!

**Kaede:** oooh angie’s opinion as an artist [triumph emoji]

**Kaede:** I’ll be honest i like the crisscross on shuichis ;;; plaid is good 

**Angie:** !! angie thinks they’re sexy too~

**Tsumugi:** it’s plain, but i’ve learned that even plain can be sexy

**Tsumugi:** maybe it represents culprits and detectives crossing into each other? a foray of good and bad

**Miu:** bitch it’s UNDERWEAR even shyhara wouldn’t think it represents anythingl ike that

**Tenko:** he is the sort of person that would overanalyze underwear patterns before buying it though

**Himiko:** ghubdglafkskjkdfs honestly??? i can see that

**Himiko:** [hyperfocuses on cotton vs polyester] oh yeah. now we’re thinking

**Kirumi:** ...since we MUST be having this conversation, i will tentatively weigh in

**Kirumi:** while Saihara’s are certainly calming, Amami’s boxers do look rather elegant, both in terms of style and material

**Himiko:** ooh yeah tenko remember our convo with him earlier on disaster chat? since he’s super rich and all n has a lot of priceless stuff in his mansion we were planning on robbing him

**Tenko:** !!!!!!! HIS UNDERWEAR IS MADE OF SOMETHING SUPER EXPENSIVE TOO PROBABLY

**Maki:** if you two steal amami’s underwear just to resell and make money i’m gonna assassinate you both

**Kirumi:** I love and care for both of you as classmates, so please don’t stoop to something as low and stupid as stealing our classmate’s boxer briefs.

**Himiko:** okayyyyy

**Tsumugi:** i’ll play devil’s advocate here since the general consensus is that ranty’s panties are the hottest

**Kaede:** RANTYSTHDSFLDSJLKKDSLDS

**Tsumugi:** ouma’s are pretty cute too in their own way dontcha think?

**Kirumi:** I must disagree… they seem rather childish to me

**Angie:** the colors are too garish and contrasting for angie to like!

**Miu:** ooohhhh now that you say it

**Miu:** he doesn’t usually wear his own casual clothes on off days yknow? aside from that scarf of his. he always wears the school uniform even when we aren’t required to

**Tsumugi:** so he looks rather plain on the outside, yes? but if you look past the outer layer of boring blacks and whites and browns and grays, you can see it. True Fashion

**Kaede:** being a tease where it can’t be seen, huh…

**Maki:** you’re all giving me a stroke

**Angie:** hmm? :3 but makiiii you’re still here! you haven’t muted or deleted or left

**Maki:** shut

**Tsumugi:** on a similar note of true fashion!!! momota’s are fiery and passionate too!!!!!

**Maki:** DIE

**Miu:** aww 

**Maki:** there’s nothing “aww” about all of you talking about kaito’s boxers shut thtughfjslkjdf

**Tsumugi:** the universe is always burning in the important parts amirite

**Miu:** KMDSLFUHESHLHGDSKLFHJDSHLJSKLDSFHKLSEDHKL WEEBY I LOVE YOU

**Maki:** OH MY GOD DIE

**Maki:** yknow what. fuck it.

**Maki:** iruma you’re a FUCKING IDIOT for thinking kiibo’s stupid robot patterned boxers are better looking than kaito’s space themed ones

**Miu:** THERE IT ISSSSS THAT SPIRIT OF PETTY, FLIGHTLESS COMPETITION

**Maki:** and ANOTHER THING

**Miu:** YESSSSSS BITHC ROASET ME

**Maki:** .

**Maki:** i can’t actually speak for anyone who does laundry on the weekend bc i don’t go to the laundry room on those days then

**Miu:** you left me hangin. how dare u

**Kaede:** maki you got super fired up!!!! >:D

**Maki:** yeah unfortunately

**Angie:** weekend people are gonta, ryouma, and korekiyo! angie knows for them

**Angie:** Gonta wears a loincloth, ryouma wears normal white briefs, and korekiyo wears a military/camo green color bikini bottom

**Tenko:** IM SORRY SHINGUGJIWHAT

**Himiko:** THOSE ARE SHINGUJIS?????

**Himiko:** my life… was different before this moment

**Tsumugi:** NORMAL WHITE BRIEFS ARE THE PLAINEST OF PLAIN I VOTE THOSE AT THE BOTTOM

**Kirumi:** why are we all like this…

**Kaede:** _@Kirumi Toujo_ it’s fun though isn’t it xD

**Kirumi:** I still stand by my statement that Amami’s are the highest quality ^-^

**Kaede:** this vote is for sexiness right? okay

**Tenko:** im a lesbian. i don’t know all of a sudden

**Himiko:** ^

**Kaede:** so hoshi’s is at the bottom. i’d say shinguji’s right after that, kiibo’s after that…

**Kirumi:** hold on. What about gonta’s? 

**Tsumugi:** loincloths have that sort of wild rugged fierce edge to them right? that’s arguably sexy

**Tsumugi:** more sexy than some twink’s anyway 

**Kaede:** hold on shinguji isn’t a twink

**Tsumugi:**??????? 

**Kirumi:** he doesn’t strike me as one either.

**Tsumugi:** NO no i was talking about ouma 

**Tenko:** okay fair but what WOULD shinguji be now that we’re talking abt this

**Himiko:** let’s get the more obvious ones out of the way. gonta’s a himbo, kaito’s a twunk, saihara and ouma are obv twinks

**Angie:** hm. ryouma doesn’t seem like he’d fall anywhere in any alignment

**Maki:** i hate you all

**Maki:** what even ARE all these alignments anyway

**Tsumugi:** glad you asked harukawa!!

**Miu:** hold up weeby. i GOT THIS. 

**Miu:** so in order we have Twink, Twinkish, Hunkish Twink, Twunk, Twinkish Hunk, Hunkish, Hunk, Bearish Twink, Cub, No Leaning, Bunk, Bearish Hunk, Twinkish Bear, Bearish, Hunkish Bear, and Bear.

**Maki:** what the fuck

**Tsumugi:** You can organize it into a triangle-pyramid sort of shape. most people tend to use the general alignments of twink, twunk, hunk, cub, and bear, with himbo being a Special Category

**Maki:** you guys are the weirdest people i’ve ever met in my life

**Maki:** So gonta’s a himbo, kai’s a twunk, shuichi and ouma are twinks, hoshi doesn’t fit into any category

**Kaede:** yeah see!!

**Maki:** so amami would be somewhere between twink and twunk

**Angie:** Twinkish or a Hunkish twink then

**Tsumugi:** that sounds about right

**Kirumi:** Kiibo doesn’t strike me as any of them either

**Miu:** nah my mans a twink

**Himiko:** SDKBDSFKHKDSJLS

**Tenko:** this only leaves shinguji behind???? hello back where we started

**Angie:** hm. he isn’t anything higher than a twunk at most, but he’s not a twink

**Kaede:**? explain

**Angie:** no bear would actually get hurt if they were stabbed in the hand with a pencil

**Tsumugi:** ;;;;;

**Angie:** angie says he’s twinkish. consensus?

**Kirumi:** Fair assessment

_> Kaede Akamatsu, Himiko Yumeno, Tenko Chabashira, and three others LIKED ‘Fair assessment’_

**Tsumugi:** finally over with smh

**Tsumugi:** before we SIDETRACKED i was saying that gonta’s underwear was sexier than ouma’s ridiculous colorful striped pair 

**Angie:** hmmm yeah okay angie agrees with that

**Himiko:** hold on weren’t you the one who plugged ouma’s underwear to begin with

**Tenko:** ^^ you said it was cute shirogane

**Tsumugi:** yeah CUTE. not sexy

**Kaede:** hmmmm this is kinda hard

**Miu:** kiibo’s are the sexiest and that’s final

**Maki:** _@Miu Iruma_ okay little miss faithful we get it you love kiibo now suck it up and admit that kaito’s are the best objectively

**Miu:** HUH

**Kaede:** aaargh i can’t decide and we all seem split too

**Tsumugi:** DID SOMEONE SAY SPLIT

**Kirumi:** oh my god please no

**Maki:** i’m getting a migraine gfufuck you all

**Tsumugi:** SCRUM DEBATE

******Tenko:** what does this mean

**Himiko:** hhuh??

**Tsumugi:** Whose underwear is sexier: Gonta’s or Ouma’s? Start!

**Tsumugi:** i say gonta’s are sexier!

**Angie:** angie also says gonta’s are sexier!

**Kirumi:** i… shall also vote for gonta’s then

**Himiko:** i’ll bandwagon and say gonta

**Tenko:** hm. ouma’s!

**Himiko:** WH

**Tenko:** the pattern reminds me more of you and i like you himiko!

**Himiko:** i can’t tell if i’m supposed to be happy or disgusted. 

**Kaede:** hhhhmhm 

**Himiko:** i got compared to ouma’s underwear?? 2019 is a real year

**Kaede:** loincloths as a concept are sexy but if you were to actually imagine someone wearing a loincloth, it becomes too weird to be seen as sexy!!! so ouma’s are better!

**Miu:** I ALSO SAY OUMA’S BC THEY LOOK MORE LIKE KIIBO’S THAN GONTA’S LOINCLOTH

**Kaede:** still voting for kiibo by proxy huh ;;

**Tsumugi:** we’re at 4 for gonta and 3 for ouma! _@Maki Harukawa,_ youre the last one!!! if you vote for ouma we’ll have a tie on our hands!!

**Maki:** man what am i doing with my life

**Maki:** I dislike gonta less so i’ll just say gonta. whatever

**Tsumugi:** SCRUM DEBATE OVER gonta’s are sexier than ouma’s

**Kaede:** !!!! OKAY THEN SO IT”S

**Kaede:** Hoshi > Shinguji > Kiibo > Ouma > Gonta > Kaito > Saihara > Amami

**Kaede:** there!!!

**Miu:** i’m cryingg rn we really did this

**Maki:** bitch it was YOUR idea

**Maki:** if any of the boys see this i’m gonna assassinate all of u and then myself

**Kirumi:** Can we all agree that nothing that is said in this group chat will leave the group chat.

_> Maki Harukawa, Angie Yonaga, Miu Iruma, and three others LIKED ‘Can we all agree that nothing that is said in this group chat will leave the group chat.’_

**Angie:** now that we’ve done some team bonding.

**Kaede:** team bonding…

**Angie:** a little birdie has told angie that the boys group chat was made so they could form a boy band

**Kirumi:** that’s actually rather pure…

**Miu:** which little birdie [eyes emoji]

**Angie:** the one with the unsexy cutesy striped underwear that we ranked 4th least sexy :p

**Maki:** you really typed out that entire thing instead of just saying “ouma”

**Angie:** he doesn’t know about the underwear rankings! angie promises

**Angie:** but angie’s competitive so let’s make a girl band!!! it’ll be fun :D

**Tenko:** girl band… 

**Kaede:** i’m playing piano!! :D

**Kirumi:** I’m fine with any instrument. My skills as a maid can expand to suit the band’s needs ^^

**Angie:** angie can sing~ she can play any music if god’s by her side nyahaha

**Tenko:** i can do drums!!

**Himiko:** nyeh ;;; maybe like. tambourine or smth

**Miu:** idk guitar? just don’t make me sing

**Maki:** i can sing. technically

**Tsumugi:** ;;;;;; im too plain to do anything like that…

**Maki:** it’s embarrassing but i know you chuckleheads won’t let me say no

**Angie:** ehehe <333 angie’s happy you all agreed so quickly

**Angie:** then it’s settled!! tsumugi maki and angie will sing

**Tsumugi:** WHHUH

**Himiko:** just cosplay someone from love live and then sing with their voice smh

**Tsumugi:** IM A COSPLAYER NOT A SHAPESHIFTER

**Kaede:** think of it this way tsum. ur plain and shy… but then u sing so well everyone’s like >:O !!

**Kirumi:** if you feel uncomfortable, I can always sing for you. Or do some sort of ventriloquism

**Kaede:** awww honey you’re so talented!!! <333

**Kirumi:** c: 

**Tsumugi:** bbut i cant play any other instruments to make up for that aguhgjgdkjfhgk

**Tenko:** SHIROGANE WE LOVE U WE ARE CHEERING 4 U 

**Tsumugi:** ;;;;;;;;;;;;; ok

**Miu:** as for outfits for this gorgeous girl group. we’re going for a SEXY VIBE

**Maki:** REJECTED

_> Kirumi Toujo, Tenko Chabashira, Himiko Yumeno, and two others reacted with THUMBS UP to ‘REJECTED’_

**Angie:** boo :(

**Kaede:** look ranking boys underwear is one thing but actually wearing revealing clothes is ,,,,

**Himiko:** nyehhh we dont really Need uniforms do we

**Tenko:** it’d look cute but if our biggest options are No Uniforms and Sexy Uniforms i’d rather have the former

**Kaede:** ok then!! thats decided

**Tsumugi:** ,, what should the group’s name be

**Miu:** PussyDestroyers69 [tongue emoji]

**Maki:** she asked for band name suggestions not your fucking xbox user account

**Kirumi:** We can always come up with it later.

**Kirumi:** At any rate, if we are doing this as a response to the boys creation of a band, it’s entirely likely they have no clue what to use for a name either.

**Kaede:** ooooo true

**Angie:** it’s settled~ our band has been formed!! :D

**Angie:** we can plan later~

**Kaede:** see you gals later <33 [waving emoji]

_> Kirumi Toujo, Angie Yonaga, Tsumugi Shirogane, and four others reacted with WAVING EMOJI to ‘see you gals later <33 [waving emoji]’_

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose after this they'd have some sort of battle of the bands, huh? I really can't picture much of the rest of this, so I'll leave it at that. "Continue the story in your minds", or some other similar pretentious parting words.
> 
> That being said, I hope you all enjoyed these three bonuses, even if they aren't as neatly wrapped up as the original nine chapters. Despite that, I'm satisfied. This AU was a blast to write and really helped me learn how to write on a schedule, as well as get to know these characters in a more fun setting. I made a lot of friends from it and I'm happy to truly declare this the end. 
> 
> come yell at me about danganronpa on [my tumblr](http://khattikeri.tumblr.com/)! Or, if you're interested in reading my longer fic, [Everyone's Killing Reality](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878256/chapters/49626257), check that out too. It's nearing the end!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic. See you again sometime!

**Author's Note:**

> not sure how long this is gonna be but we'll see how this ends up. please leave kudos and comments if you liked it!! they're much appreciated
> 
> everyone's names
> 
> kaedid i fucking stutter: Kaede  
> detective hooker taxi: Saihara  
> pantakichi: Ouma  
> it's not gay if it's in space: Kaito  
> makill me: Maki  
> guactaro: Amami  
> tsu53: Tsumugi  
> kirumaid: Kirumi  
> jock lesbian: Tenko  
> magic lesbian: Himiko  
> god is watching: Angie  
> 1-800-GET-THIS-DICK: Iruma  
> anti robophobia activist: Kiibo  
> insert seesaw joke here: Shinguji  
> fuck echizen: Hoshi  
> bugs: Gonta 
> 
> come yell at me about danganronpa on [my tumblr](http://khattikeri.tumblr.com/)


End file.
